Jane Fonda, Part 1

We've checked out a bunch of celebrity workout videos here at World of Sass, but Jane Fonda is the real deal. She's the urtext. She blazed the trail, showing scores of poor, ignored C-listers that one day, they too might be able to aerobicize their way back to top (of the B-list, at least). There was Barbarella and Nine to Five; there was that whole "Hanoi Jane" thing, which, oof; but for most of humanity, Jane Fonda = workout lady. Her debut offering, Jane Fonda's Workout (1981) exploded its sass all over pop culture, turning home fitness from a burgeoning trend into a "Let's Get Physical" frenzy and becoming the top-grossing home video of its time. She is the prototypical '80s big-hair leotarded sweatmongerer. Her total catalog includes 26 workout videos, and her most recent one was released in 2012. Lady is 75 years old.

Today we're doing part one of a gifsploration of Jane Fonda's NEW Workout (1985). Once I got started making gifs, I quickly went overboard, because the looks and moves in this video are . . . stupendous. Giving me LIFE. I mean, come on:

Turning that visor OUT.

And that's not even the whole outfit. Behold:

Serving hi-cut LSU realness.

Anyway, the video has beginner and advanced levels, and all these are from the beginner's. It's a 35-minute workout with about 10 minutes (not enough) of light-to-moderate cardio and some serious toning work. We start with some light stretches to wake the body up. . . 

love this guy.

He's a big strong man!

I'm afraid I didn't pay much (any) attention to Jane in my gif-making because she's kinda boring for the first half of the video. She's a dece instructor -- though her cuing is always a little behind -- and of course she looks fabulous, but she's pretty blah until the floor exercises start, and then watch out. Suggestive pelvic curls on a mat are for movie stars, it seems. Working up a sweat with some jumping-jack variations? That's yeoman's work, so Jane shifts the focus to adorable Kelly Kapowksi doppelganger Leslie, who breaks into lip-synced song with the rousing "Do It."

Leslie, she's perky. Even though Fonda tries to fool the audience into believing she's actually singing --she tells viewers, "If you can sing along, you know you're breathing correctly!" -- Leslie puts on her button-nosed game face, adjusts the hot-pink ribbon around her softly teased bangs, and sells the shit out of that "Eye of the Tiger" redux. 

There's so much! More! To you than meets the eye. There's so much! More! To you, you're gonna try, she mouths. And once your giggles start to subside, you start thinking, "She's right. There is so much li-ving, li-ving, li-ving, li-ving, living to dooooooooooo!"

I could watch her do this all day.

Then, after making sweet, tiny-waisted Leslie "sing" her song, Fonda has her lead the cardio section -- and I'll be damned if it ain't just good ol' BPM-raising fun. It cycles through pretty much all the basic aerobic moves. . . 

So many leg warmers!

. . . and then brings in some totally silly hoedown stuff that, if you commit to it, will give you the benefits of both aerobic activity and laughing yoga. 

High fives for everyoooooone!

Also, Leslie's hot-pink bottoms have this weird vulva-like thing in the front that flaps around. Somehow I felt this was worth mentioning.

After the aerobic peak, Leslie takes the tempo down and sings "Do It" again. From there on out, it's Fonda's time to shine, which I'll cover in the next chapter of this immensely important anthropological study.

Hi, Hanna

Here's Hanna. I just met her and don't know her story, but man can she rock a tan and a day-glo leotard.

Speaking of leotards, did you know that feminism killed them? 

Anyway, I want to get to know you more, Hanna. I find your semi-joyless delivery and loud sense of style intriguing. But it's the weekend, and it's gorgeous out, so I'll leave you in your dishwater-colored studio and check in with ya later.

Just watch out, though, because someone is definitely creeping on you in that plant. 

Are you gonna be ok by yourself?

Cool. Have a good weekend!

Wahly World

Here's some I-Love-the-'90s eye candy to get your britches buzzing. Marky Mark takes a break from his busy pants-dropping schedule to plant a celebrity tree show us all how he keeps himself so swole. I can't find  many good clips of the actual workout, but the intro here allows Wahlberg to flex his acting skills, still in their infancy (pre-Renaissance Man) but eager to grow into Academy Award material. Mark's trainer/cousin/cuz disturbs his shirtless slumber to get him up for their workout. Mr. Sleepyhead makes a big show of getting out of bed and struggling to put on his workout clothes -- he's so sleepy! working out takes sacrifice! -- and then he's in the studio with his bros, explaining the workout with some very poor posture on display.

If you like a strong dash of douchitude with your workout -- if you want to ogle a famous beefcake as he somewhat-charmingly sneers in the general direction of the entire world -- you will not be disappointed.

Feel the vibrations. 

QT with BB

I had quite the festive weekend. There was playing. There was dancing. There was honest-to-god maypole-ing. And there was some impressively indulgent eating and drinking. We're talking gumbo, beer, grits casserole, jello shots, brownies, strawberry pie, apple pie, champagne, whiskey, biscuits and sausage gravy, and caprese salad and buttermilk fried chicken sandwiched between two waffles. Yes. Festival season in south Louisiana is beautiful, beautiful thing. 

At the end of such a weekend, when you have brownie-batter blood and the communication skills of an overtired four-year-old, you need a little QT with BB. "Tae Bo Cardio Circuit 2," available in full on YouTube (above), is a tidy 52 minutes with Billy Blanks, his puffy shorts, and his plainspoken can-do-it-ness. Let's prance a little to get started.

Tae Bo is always good for getting the ol' jalopy running. It's punches and jabs, roundhouse kicks and knee raises -- the usual. This particular video isn't too intense; he intros the moves slowly and for longer than in the advanced workouts. Still, it gets you going with lifted leg crunches like this. . .

. . . and makes you accidentally inhale sweat from laughing when Billy keeps shouting "ARMPIT!" to explain this move.

Yes, the incessant counting is ridiculous, but you learn to tune it out.

And even though Billy's wife gets WAY TOO EXCITED at the end of every exercise, the rest of the class has a nice, genuine enthusiasm and a welcome range of healthy body types.

Thank you, BB! Anytime I've had too much fun at the fair, I'll look to you and your magical red carpet to carry me to Monday.

Trippy clubby stretchy time with Miss Melodee

Questions:

• "Stretching Song," why do you have to be so stupidly catchyyyyyy? Why did you make me play you in my car with the windows down, all the way home from work? 
• Did you know that if you got rid of the stretching lyrics and added stuff about grinding privates in an interesting locale, you could probably break the Billboard Hot 100 (maybe 500) with this track? Your sneaker hype-man with the ear mike knows what I'm talking about.

• Miss Melodee, why aren't you stretching all that much? You're a ballet teacher / web video personality, right? Your backup girls are killing it and you're just sticking your hands up and letting the graphics swirl you around. You swirl the graphics, girl. Remember that.

• Is this standard for kids' music these days? I miss Raffi. 
• Did a real live costume designer pick out those shoes, Miss Melodee?

• Were you pissed that they auto-tuned you so much? Because according to all these videos, you have the voice of a Disney freaking princess. I guess it was just a thang you or your corporate masters wanted to try. 
• Can I please have some of the pink girl's sass?

• How many more times can I get caught singing this aloud to myself before my man gives me one of those "erm, that's probably enough" looks?

Best of luck in your stretching, smiling, sing-songing adventures, Miss Melodee. Next time you stop by, I'm getting you drunk and that's that. 

Power Girl Hit-or-Miss

Ugh this video is a lot for me to handle. What...how...do I feel about "Power Girl Fitness," the first kids' workout I've seen that ardently mimics adult workout videos and is hosted by a 10-year-old "gymnast and national competitive dancer"? Rather than try to form a full opinion, I'm just gonna imagine the comment stream below a Jezebel post of the video.

SpinalFantasy44: OMG, Jessy Lipke's mom, put some more clothes on your daughter! I feel like Marilla Cuthbert over here. You have to consider context: a sports bra and bun-huggers might be standard fare at gymnastics camp, but in a hi-def video on the internet, it's different.

Wyf_of_Bath: Y'all, she's only 10 years old, and she's a really good presenter! No snarking allowed. But agreed re: the skin-baring. 

WaltzingMatilda: @Wyf_of_Bath is right. She's just a little girl making workouts "by girls, for girls." She raises salient points about the growing rates of childhood obesity (in 2010, one-third of US adolescents were overweight or obese) and adolescent type 2 diabetes. 

ChairHorowitz: @Waltzing Matilda yeah, totally the kind of stuff you used to talk about with your friends at recess! "We are part of the first generation in history that will not outlive our parents -- unless we make major lifestyle changes." This reminds me of that Mr. Show sketch where parents dress up like kids and make a public access TV show about calling home regularly and getting summer jobs.

SpinalFantasy44: You guys, I just looked at her website and her dad, the "doctor and personal trainer," is a chiropractor. But a real personal trainer.

Planterscheezballs: Jessy Lipke and her parents are fat-shamers. Also she clearly has an eating disorder.

WaltzingMatilda: @Planterscheezballs She's a prepubescent girl who's done gymnastics her whole life and has a nutritionist for a mom! Of course she looks super skinny. Doesn't mean she has an eating disorder. Some girls are just tiny.

Fernsofafeather: The website says she's Canadian, but this girl is clearly the lost member of Troop Beverly Hills.

GinghamStyle: Have you seen the comments on YouTube? She has a lot of fans. I didn't expect their to be so many devotees, but girls seem to like it. Is riding bikes and just running around outside just not feasible anymore?

Planterscheezballs: @GinghamStyle Not if you aspire to look like a Bratz doll.

Wedgesalad001: @Planterscheezballs Bratz dolls are pretty curvy, actually. Cartoonishly so, but...they're cartoons.

Habiascoitus: She's talented and pretty, but srsly WTF were this girl's parents thinking?? "Wow dear, our darling Jessy sure does love being in tip-top shape, seeing as we've been working her on the competitive dance circuit since she was 5. And if we're ever gonna be able to afford a private gymnastics coach to take her national, we may as well get her half-dressed in front of a camera shilling workout videos." smh...

Alwaysmoneyinthebananastand: What I don't get is why the video and the website seem exactly like any other adult-oriented weight loss shtick. Why do young girls need to worry about "looking GORGEOUS and feeling BEAUTIFUL"? Why do they post "success stories" that mention pounds and inches lost? Either this is about healthy girlhood or it's about adult weight loss anxiety.

GinghamStyle: @Alwaysmoneyinthebananastand 'Zactly. More focus on the former and less on the latter would greatly reduce the ick factor here -- that and less visible 10-year-old midriff. 

Aaaaaaaand, scene.

I gif the body electric

I'm back. I've been sassing it up IRL and also had an ancient laptop that was making my fine artisanal blogging a nightmare of insufficient memory and full startup discs. Then I got a new laptop but was afraid of it for a couple months. Then I realized that with my new laptop I could probably make gifs without ending up in tears over a repeated error message, and that is what brings me here today.

Exercise is about movement. World of Sass is about movement (and hot bods and crazy workout clothes and silly people doing silly-looking things in the name of fitness). So by-giffing-golly there better be some moving pictures up in here. Thus:

Are your eyes spasming yet? Mine are. I'd call this comeback a SUCCESS.