I'm dying. I can't stop dying.
Dixie Carter, aka Julia Sugarbaker from "Designing Women," aka arbiter of genteel fabulousness to an entire generation of Southern gays and their mothers, does not have a workout video. No. She has an unworkout video: "Dixie Carter's Unworkout." And whatever you're thinking upon reading that, double it.
To borrow from my roommate, whose concise reaction was: SQUEAL!
Here is a workout for women who still use the phrase, "Ladies don't sweat -- they glisten." Here is a workout for people who would be all too happy to exercise if it weren't for all that bothersome -- to quote Dixie herself -- "runnin', hoppin', steppin', joggin,' jumpin' up n' down in one place." That is NOT the Sugarbaker way, hell to the no. Instead, she's going to sit in a Laura Ashley armchair on a set that looks straight out of a spread from Southern Living 1991, she's gonna wear her Eileen Fisher top and silk pajama pants, she's going to pour herself a cup of tea, and she's going to talk about how good she looks. And she's going to do it like it makes PERFECT SENSE.
"You see, these days more and more people keep asking me how I have managed to maintain myself. So it turns out I'm holding up pretty well over the long haul." Advance warning, Dixie-in-heaven: Regardless of how I look in my late 40s, I will be stealing that. It's like she hired the ghost of Tennessee Williams to write her copy for the intro. She even quotes Mark Twain!
Anyway, the routine seems to be a lot of breathing exercises and yoga poses, including this gem, which got bandied about on the Ellen show recently.
I love this, I love her, and if you don't, Dixie's just like: