tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-49887821181326086522024-03-21T04:48:43.024-07:00World of SassFun with workout videosMollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01053139440945373757noreply@blogger.comBlogger103125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4988782118132608652.post-35533707370070423352017-08-13T19:58:00.002-07:002017-08-14T06:07:39.625-07:00Shit's fucked; try qigong<div style="text-align: center;">
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Well, it's 2017, a hateful warmonger is in the White House, Nazis and racists are terrorizing innocent people, facts are meaningless, and the United States is so divided it's tearing itself apart.<br />
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Shit's fucked up, and the dismaying state of the union has besieged so many of us with feelings of anxiety, fear, sadness, powerlessness, and rage.<br />
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So I've been doing qigong, the traditional Chinese practice of meditative movement. Well, I don't know if I can fairly say I've been "doing qigong" as much as I've been trying out different qigong videos on Chinese YouTube. (There are Western-produced videos available, but I wanted to check out content produced by the practice's culture of origin.)<br />
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There are myriad forms of qigong, so much so that finding concise information about it is rather hard to do. But the bottom line is that it calms the mind and gently stretches and strengthens the body. It's something anyone, in any sort of shape, can do. And it's what's helping me wind down and get to sleep these days, rather than endlessly scrolling through the bountiful evidence of our country's undoing.Mollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01053139440945373757noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4988782118132608652.post-67556955553464321812016-06-02T20:51:00.001-07:002016-06-02T20:51:38.849-07:00Don't Count on MeHey, here's a thing:<br />
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This is FigureRobics, a Chinese workout-video series in which they count to eight in English over and over. I've looked at several of these videos, and in all of them the counting is a central feature. It's really the only distinguishing feature, other than consistently good hairstyles for both the male and female performers. </div>
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I have an opinion about counting to eight over and over in workout videos: it's repetitive, depressing, and cultish. Like, yeah, existentially we're all just ticking away the eight-counts until we leave this world (of sass), but must you be so literal about it? Billy Blanks does it with his crew in his early Tae Bo videos, and the counting is definitely framed as an expression of zealotry—a titillating, ritualistic way to show how ALL IN they are—but I think they cut it out after the warm-up. Either that or I learned to tune it out, because the background music wasn't too bad and I could focus on that. Here, all you've got is a lonely high-hat house loop, evoking a hiccuping kitchen clock. </div>
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I was excited to do my first Chinese workout video, and these floor exercises seem fine, but yeah no. </div>
Mollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01053139440945373757noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4988782118132608652.post-68394492332785851552016-01-30T10:12:00.000-08:002016-05-04T13:26:52.214-07:00Jessica Smith's Plain Dealing<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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YouTuber Jessica Smith is the new fitness maven in my life. Her appeal is so straightforward yet sneaky I find myself constructing all sorts of tortured descriptors like "distinctively bland" or "normcore fabulosity" to explain her non-mystique. She has the blank, gentle directness of a good therapist, combined with a wellspring of interesting exercises that you won't find in other workouts. She's got the three Cs of effective presentation, a thing I just made up: competent, confident, and casual. Jessica doesn't go for fancy locations or kewl workout clothes or high-polish production—she's typically in her living room (like you, the viewer), filming on her laptop—but her workouts challenge you in perfect doses, and together with her no-pressure motivational style, it all adds up to an addictive home-workout experience. </div>
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Working out with Jessica is like working out at a friend's place. Her dog, Peanut, is usually hanging out with a bone or napping; she wakes up near the end of the workout to lick her sweat. You wouldn't think it's adorable every time, but it absolutely is. Peanut is a chubby little nugget of dog delight, and I will watch her sniff the door or stare off into space any old time. </div>
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Jessica shapes her workouts with real intention and delivers fully conceptualized, well-structured videos. Take, for example, the "Low Impact 'Quiet' Cardio 30-Minute Workout" above: it manages to be truly low-impact (no shoes needed) while making good on the promise of 30 minutes of cardio. She has us do "quiet" squat-jumps, by which she means focusing on a controlled jump all the way through the legs and feet on the way up and down. That kind of attention to detail is hard to find outside of a ballet class. I did "'Quiet' Cardio" on a low-energy day, and, like many of her videos, it gently sucked me in, pushed me to do well, and left me feeling like I'd gone on a nice long run. </div>
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Her exercises: they're dank. (Yep, dank. It's 2002.) Jessica's choreographic vocabulary is truly impressive. Her moves are built on basics—squats, lunges, pliés, jumps, arm movements, yoga poses, floor exercises—but she always adds some sort of twist. She might have you do a curtsy lunge and then hinge at the waist while doing a tricep curl. Or she'll add wide arm circles to a leg-lift series, so that you're working upper and lower halves in new and different ways. If you're into body meridians and that kind of whole-body energy circuit–type thing, you'll love her.<br />
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In fact, Jessica's are the only workouts I've encountered that approximate <a href="http://worldofsass.blogspot.com/2012/04/people.html">"Rhythmics"</a> levels of innovation and fluidity in the choreography. She and "Rhythmics" are about the only home workouts I do anymore, the latter for that vintage/femme/euro vibe and Jessica for no-frills, American-girl body maintenance.<br />
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And I mean "American girl" in the historical, New England sense (though she lives in Florida): Jessica is a walking-in-place embodiment of favorite <a href="http://www.slate.com/blogs/the_vault/2013/09/13/puritan_names_lists_of_bizarre_religious_nomenclature_used_by_puritans.html">Puritan girl's names</a>—Verity, Prudence, Amity, Felicity, Tenacious. Industrious and a bit modest—no booty shorts or heaps o' cleavage; no close-ups except for in her Q&As, where she fights the good fight dispelling myths about diet pills and toxin cleanses—Jessica is refreshingly, admirably basic. She's the friend who's always fine to eat at whatever restaurant, even as you change your mind four times. She's the officemate who never talks shit about anyone and is pleasant to talk to at lunch but equally fine not talking. And, as my best friend put it, "More than any other workout-video person, it feels like she's in the room with you, watching you and knowing what to say and when."<br />
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She also has a huge line of walking-workout videos, but I haven't done any of those. I've skimmed through a couple, and they seem suited to both beginners and anyone who wants some cardio without having to go outside. I've enjoyed all of her ballet titles, her HIIT (high-intensity interval training) workouts, and some of the more conceptualized ones, like the aforementioned "'Quiet' Cardio" and this "Rise and Shine" morning workout:</div>
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So hip-hip-hooray for Jessica Smith. I could spill 500 more words about how she fits into the zeitgeist of DIY YouTube success, but I'm more interested in her message than her medium. What comes through most of all in Jessica's work, as well as in her judiciously served commentary, is the importance of <i>feeling</i> good rather than <i>looking </i>good. That sounds like a cliché, but it's hard to overstate how difficult it can be to internalize that message when society, the media, and your own demons are constantly telling you there's something wrong with the way you look. Jessica only wants you get to know your body, to appreciate it, and to maintain that contraption so that you feel good spending all your time on earth inside of it. </div>
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Mollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01053139440945373757noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4988782118132608652.post-1401406091368279452015-12-30T19:41:00.001-08:002016-05-04T13:32:38.915-07:00What A Feeling! Freedanse and Flashdance <div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
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<b>VIDEO:</b> <i>Freedanse</i>, free on <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4owKu0tA9Kc">YouTube</a></div>
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<b>STYLE:</b> Dance aerobics and conditioning</div>
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<b>INTENSITY:</b> Light to moderate/high</div>
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<b>STRUCTURE:</b> Warm-up (8 min.), Pilates-style conditioning (17 min.), dance aerobics (20 min.), cooldown (6 min.)</div>
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<b>GIST:</b> Height of '80s aerobics earnestness, with an appealing Euro twist. Takes a minute to get going, but a quality sweat sesh overall. Beginner friendly, but those with choreography pickup and Pilates skills will have an easier time.</div>
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To quote YouTube user edd_I: "THERE IT IS. THAT ASS FROM FLASH DANCE. THATT ASSSS!"</div>
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Yes, nostalgia junkies of the internet, there it is: that ass belongs to Marine Jahan, the French dancer best known for bringing the flash to the famously overrated <i>Flashdance</i> (1983). Nobody cares about the lame love story that takes up the bulk of the movie; they remember, in reverse order, 1) Jennifer Beals in a welding mask and 2) the dance sequences—training SOHARD to "Maniac," the one with the water dumped on her, and wowing the snooty judges at the big audition. That was Marine! She crushed it, made the movie, yet <a href="https://news.google.com/newspapers?nid=1350&dat=19840103&id=N0BPAAAAIBAJ&sjid=ywIEAAAAIBAJ&pg=3598,1060353&hl=en">never got a film credit</a> for her work. (I found several other sources confirming this, my favorite being the Marine Jahan entry in this self-published <a href="https://books.google.com/books?id=0GUHBwAAQBAJ&pg=PA68&lpg=PA68&dq=marine+jahan+never+got+a+film+credit&source=bl&ots=eWpAHspZMX&sig=dAxwXrbbc_tEQUYoP7H778ga6Vg&hl=en&sa=X&ei=IGFaVZ_YF5OLyATQr4CgAQ&ved=0CCsQ6AEwAg#v=onepage&q=marine%20jahan%20never%20got%20a%20film%20credit&f=false">reference guide</a>, "The Jennifer Beals Handbook: Everything You Need to Know About Jennifer Beals.")<br />
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<i>Freedanse</i> (1984) was Marine's shot at marrying the film's success with the burgeoning aerobics craze to make a hit of her own. With her hairspray-encrusted Julie Andrews 'do and a game troupe donning the height of hi-cut activewear, Marine brings a loose ease and a hint of European sophistication to the proceedings. Note the French-style spelling of "danse" in the title—<i>mais bien sur</i>. </div>
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Before we get started, though, Marine needs to take some slow-motion time in the spotlight, serving up at long last her byline, along with some danspiration, the theme song ("All your dreams will come true with Freedanse!"), and a good look at her leotard's crotch strip.</div>
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It goes on for a while. Then we get to the actual workout, and we're ready to go, like ready freddy doing the freddy ready—and she starts with head rolls. Which, ok, yeah I've been to dance classes that start straightaway with stretches, but lady, you're in the world of workout videos. That means cardio warm-up. In class, you get by on the threat of public shame; you don't stop just because your stiff head rolls are like a busted rake across your shoulders. At home, you need a smewwwth transition past the "I am but a tatty jumble of nerves and fat" stage. Don't make me wait for those step-touches, Marine.</div>
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So we're stretching . . . </div>
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. . . reaching . . . </div>
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. . . pulsing our pubes, together.</div>
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I like these downward-dog relevés; she does them neutral, turned in, and turned out. The calves appreciate the thoroughness. </div>
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There's a decent amount of floor work, much of it in the Pilates vein. Lots of butt clenching. The music goes from generic keyboard groove to aggressively corny synth-harmonica. You have to either get on board with it or face sudden feelings of hostility and self-doubt. "Am I this music?" you'll ask yourself. "Do I look like how this sounds?" You probably do, but that's ok.<br />
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The cardio section begins pretty innocently, with simple step-touches and arm raises, but quickly gets you panting with a long, high-kneed pony section. And she's very precise, Marine. No grapevine or reaching palm is taken for granted. </div>
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The harmonica funk returns, this time with lyrics about "going to the health spa, better than the corner bar," and you're doing this broken jumping jack spine roll thing, and if you stick with it you actually ascend to a higher level of human comedy, and that alone is an accomplishment.<br />
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It's usually by about this point in the video that I'm totally sold on it. All the conditioning exercises are just a long preamble to Marine's body beats dramatiques. The big finish is a series of step turns, which you're encouraged to jazz up into Freedansing ecstasy. Just look at this guy on the right:</div>
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Those are head rolls to make the angels sing. </div>
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Once I finally did this video to completion, I looked forward to doing it again, and we enjoyed a fun week-long fling together. I haven't felt the desire to do it since, but it's totally decent and as authentic to '80s aerobics as you'll get outside of the <a href="http://worldofsass.blogspot.com/2012/03/taking-put-spring-in-your-step-to-max.html">Crystal Light National Aerobics Championships</a>. Find yourself a dance belt, inhale hairspray in a brightly lit closet for a while, then give <i>Freedanse</i> a try. </div>
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Mollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01053139440945373757noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4988782118132608652.post-53578606958467391182015-05-22T16:11:00.000-07:002015-05-23T08:18:04.304-07:00Inner Thigh Gap Clarity <div style="text-align: center;">
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"Inner Thigh Gap Clarity": postmodern prog-rock band name or title of a real, creepily sunny workout hosted by a 14-year-old? Oh, you thought thigh gaps were just lulz whipped up in 2k14 by overstimulated Reddit bois with misplaced ambitions? You are mistaken. Thigh gaps are a <i>movement</i>—by girls, for girls—ensuring that every little lady grows up in tacit, unrelenting fear of her own body! Just ask our fresh-faced presenter, here to inspire us toward Inner Thigh Gap Clarity, because everyone knows that 10 minutes of squats and lunges can defy age, postadolescent metabolism, and the endless variety of human musculoskeletal composition!</div>
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Here's one brave Thigh Gap Warrior Princess feeling<i> </i>the thigh gap love:</div>
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<a class="user-name g-hovercard" data-ytid="103556213766173932881" href="https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC_EWFx5VwecOyyuIB3pEXJA" style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #128ee9; cursor: pointer; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 17px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: top; word-break: break-all;" target="_blank">Maddison Rose</a><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px;"> </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Okay so I might get hate but I really want a thigh gap. I am 13 years old and I'm very insecure about my thighs, my stomach and arms are not bad but I'm still working on them. I know I'm not "fat" I would just like to know if this really works! Thanks!</span></blockquote>
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Or this lassie all hopped up on <strike>diuretics/snake oil/speed? oh god i hope not speed</strike> GIRL POWER:</div>
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<a class="user-name g-hovercard" data-ytid="103853748321462184245" href="https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCGg9eogyyubYeDLgQDTnQeQ" style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #128ee9; cursor: pointer; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 17px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: top; word-break: break-all;" target="_blank">Miss Montgomery</a><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px;"> </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">I'm eating less, doing other exercises and taking diet pills AND doing this so hopefully i become a size 0 and have a thigh gap. Thank you for the easy to follow video! </span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Inner Thigh Gap Clarity, brought to you by these assholes: "Life. Wisdom."</span></span></div>
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This comment is a true tHIn$PirAtIO—actually, I can't snark anymore. It's too sad:</div>
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<a class="user-name g-hovercard" data-ytid="108321158837367333486" href="https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCIH0-kludrKFbjtquXMXtjA" style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #128ee9; cursor: pointer; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 17px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: top; word-break: break-all;" target="_blank">M Rachel</a><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px;"> </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">I'm 98 lbs right now and my goal is to be anywhere between 88-91 pounds. If I eat healthy and do this work out once a day (first half morning second half at night) do 200 sit ups a day and, walk a mile or two, and either do an hour and a half of jujitsu or fourty five minutes on the bike or playing just sweat will I reach my goal? It it realistic/healthy? And will exersizing so much make me look bulky and bigger and skinnier and delicate?</span></blockquote>
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I kind of love the presenter girl, because she's competent but casual, unconcerned, ironically, with flawlessness in her presentation. The exercises are fine: they're squats and lunges, and nothing can take that away from them. But nothing can guarantee a thigh gap. Which is why I'm giving three cheers for Caprilover73, who is probably exactly what her user name sounds like—a righteous pseudo-New Agey 40-something, and who is going into battle against thigh gap quackery. </div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Don't obsess over a thigh gap because the most of the fittest people in the world dint have them. Olympians who train every day have amazing bodies, but no thigh gap. No one looks at them and in shorts you'll still have toned and nice legs, but healthy ones too</span></blockquote>
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You go with your comment-thread activism, Caprilover73. As for Psychetruth, fooey to you and your clickbait ridiculousness. Good riddance, I say!</div>
Mollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01053139440945373757noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4988782118132608652.post-23313117146750479202015-04-01T21:40:00.000-07:002015-12-30T19:38:45.178-08:00Aerobics Girl in a Pilates World: An Invalid's Ballad<div style="text-align: center;">
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It took orthopedic surgery on both my feet, but I'm finally learning to like Pilates. Note the "like" there. We will not be naming each other godparent to our firstborns, but we're at least on Christmas-party-invite-list terms. </div>
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Because I've been unable to work out aerobically during recovery, Pilates has been just about the only "serious" exercise I can do. And since I've avoided it for most of my adult life, because BORING BORING BORINNNNGNGG, it felt like an enriching pursuit -- facing fears and climbing every mountain and such. </div>
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I found the above video, free in full on YouTube, tried it out, declared it worthy, and have been doing it every few days at the park or in my back yard. Why the outdoors? Because if Miss Sports Bra in the video gets Malibu to distract her from the deliberateness, the care-ful el-o-cu-tion, the HOLY MOTHER OF MANWICH THIS BURNS <i>real talk</i> of Pilates, then I need some pretty clouds and a nice spring breeze. </div>
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There is no panache to be found here, but to be perfectly honest, the model/presenter's body makes up for it. She is a beast -- a silent, smiling (a little too much), perfect ponytail-having beast. It's a shame about her tits hanging out so egregiously, but whatever. </div>
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This is a true beginner's video, in that it's approachable but not a cakewalk. And it's a decent length. Despite its "total body" label, the workout is focused mostly in the abs, butt, and legs, though a lot of the moves are on all fours and shift weight into the arms. As a true Pilates beginner, I set a goal to be able to finish the entire workout, all the reps and all the exercises, by the end of my convalescence. My powers are increasing, especially in my biggest avoidance spot, the outer thigh. There's still one exercise I "can't even," but the others have gotten easier surprisingly quickly. <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bwt2mXPuH-c">Yearnin' learnin'</a>!</div>
Mollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01053139440945373757noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4988782118132608652.post-88886222719165508302015-03-23T09:24:00.002-07:002015-03-23T09:24:32.022-07:00Reaching Out for a Better Day with "Sit and Be Fit"<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Hark! The online comments sing. Glory to the eternal flame of sass, the everlasting calves, the comfort and joy of the mobility impaired—the only woman about whom the internet has nothing and will never have anything bad to say.<br />
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Today we're spending time with Mary Ann Wilson, RN, of the long-running program "<a href="http://www.sitandbefit.org/">Sit and Be Fit</a>." Like all titans of public television—Bob Ross, Julia Child, Kermit the Frog—this lady was niche-branding herself long before the first Angelfire fanfic site ever plastered ungainly type across an animated wallpaper. With kind twinkling eyes, rosy cheeks (blush game on fleek, always), and the legs of an MGM hoofer, Mary Ann Wilson embodies the indomitable spirit of the body electric. Be you wheelchair-bound, waylaid by injury, or merely very lazy, "Sit and Be Fit" is here to inspire your slowly calcifying form toward kinesis.<br />
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And decent kinesis it is! I've given Ms. Wilson her due before, <a href="http://worldofsass.blogspot.com/2011/10/how-much-do-you-love-this-lady-god.html">here</a>, but, like most of the able-bodied population, my only experience with "Sit and Be Fit" consisted of watching with a dopey grin for a few minutes while channel surfing, perhaps trying a few moves if feeling puckish, because WhaT a gAS! </div>
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This time, I came to "Sit and Be Fit" hashtag-authentically, with two bum feet and three weeks in post-surgical boots, which are like little boats that buoy your standing weight up into your hips instead of through your feet. Or something. The first week, my walking pace was that of my grandma's at 91, and my condition generated lots of enjoyable sympathy and Vicodin and people fetching me things. Fresh off the painkikis, walking felt like moving around a slack bag of bones formed from petrified Olive Garden breadsticks. </div>
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Now, I've got a nifty peg-leg swag walk and I go down stairs backwards because it's faster. I can take the boots off as long as I'm not standing, which puts me so patently in the show's target demographic that I'd be a lax ambassador of sass indeed if I didn't seize upon SABF's fresh relevance to my current life experiences.</div>
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If I wanted to be truly auth, I could catch the show on my local PBS station any weekday at 7 or 8:30 a.m. Ms. Lady has her shit <i>together</i> on the informational front: even the most tech-befuddled senior would be able to look up local showtimes on her website. Her press kit? A marvel of old-school PR–new media synergy, occupying 12 neatly laid-out, web-friendly pdf pages. Here are some fun facts about the program:<br />
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<ul>
<li>The show operates as a nonprofit and has been on the air for nearly 30 years, since 1987.</li>
<li>It tapes in Spokane, WA. </li>
<li>Mississippi and Alabama do not air "Sit and Be Fit" at all. Of course.</li>
<li>Mary Ann's daughter, Gretchen, often joins her to demonstrate modifications. Kewt!</li>
<li>When she was a young RN, Mary Ann specialized in post-polio rehabilitation. </li>
<li>Aerobics got her through her husband's death. MY HEART.</li>
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As I am incapable of rising early to catch the broadcast, I turned to the <a href="https://www.youtube.com/user/SitandBeFitTVSHOW/videos?view=0&sort=p&shelf_id=0">few episodes available</a> in full on YouTube. My selection, "Engaging the Pelvic Floor," had my number: I love workin' on my taint!</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgr2aLHhnXYVDJ_Ow3hFghjD8EfHSy6sNfhN-kmsPi157Sy5eUQoHGtkl1Yjsa2RKOAhGB5vSDyZrVZlFGNNzn7E80_pq_lmNSlfvA2CYX-LtNVHSwZ_Z_K5j4H_203P64fWA_pkBr69N0f/s1600/pelvic-floor-superior-view.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgr2aLHhnXYVDJ_Ow3hFghjD8EfHSy6sNfhN-kmsPi157Sy5eUQoHGtkl1Yjsa2RKOAhGB5vSDyZrVZlFGNNzn7E80_pq_lmNSlfvA2CYX-LtNVHSwZ_Z_K5j4H_203P64fWA_pkBr69N0f/s1600/pelvic-floor-superior-view.jpg" height="262" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Also known as pee-pee muscles, or what you're working when you do kegels, </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">or, as illustrated by <a href="http://www.letsloseweight.net/wp-content/uploads/2011/01/kegels-benefits.jpg">this</a> NSFW pic, what makes your dick curve upward when erect</span></div>
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Mary Ann starts by introducing her helpers for the session, which is nice of her. </div>
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Then we get into some knee lifts and leg extensions . . . </div>
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. . . and finish the warm-up with a gentle foot massage, which was perfect for my tore-up frankenweenies. Somehow, Mary Ann knew it was time for me to start cajoling them back into fine action. </div>
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We proceed to the pelvic floor in the best way possible, by feeling up our butts. "Locating the sits bones," she says, sure, but as we rock from cheek to cheek, riding along on the beautiful heiney sea, we are reminded of the miracle of human evolution, a multimillion-year process that yielded dumpling-shaped flesh cushions attached to our posteriors. What a wonderful world!<br />
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This booty action warms up the undercarriage and prepares us for the pelvic floor exercises, which Mary Ann explains in a top-drawer use of kinetic imagery: as you contract, visualize the sits bones getting closer together. That's what actually happens in there, on a very tiny scale, and it's something I hadn't really been able to understand, despite reading approximately 24 pages of a conditioning guide called <i>Pelvic Power</i> years ago. Mary Ann's explanation gave me a bit of a eureka moment, one made all the sweeter by occurring in communion with my bum.</div>
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After the ass play comes the first aerobic section, where we walk our feet out and in—a seated box step. After three weeks cut off from aerobics, I was there for it. I also wished my socks were as slouchy-cute as hers.</div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Let's take a moment to appreciate Ms. Wilson's face-giving skills: </span><span style="font-size: x-small;">smiley but not plastic, </span><span style="font-size: x-small;">sweet as a snickerdoodle and calmly perky. </span><span style="font-size: x-small;">Her Clara Bow eyebrows, always expressing some gentle affection, are practically support staff. </span></div>
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Then she does this cute knee raise, which is harder than it looks. Can she help it if it happens to make her shapely legs look even shapelier? No, she cannot.</div>
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During the finger-articulation exercises, I gave thanks for my non-arthritic hands, despite a long-running finger-popping compulsion. (Apparently, science says my mom is wrong—knuckle popping does not promote arthritis later in life—but I still don't 100% believe it.)</div>
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She also has you work your finger and hand muscles by pretending your rolled-up towel is a ball of dough that you are kneading, which is an analogy I can get excited about.</div>
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It continues like this, alternating between the lightest of aerobic movements—there's a salsa portion, of course—and targeted conditioning and flexibility exercises.<br />
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After some standing or seated stretches, Ms. Wilson makes time for a meditative moment, wherein we cross our elbows and sway our arms like we're hugging the whole world. It feels incredibly comforting.</div>
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Then, in the style of the great "<a href="http://worldofsass.blogspot.com/2015/02/rhythmics-goes-to-club-med.html">Rhythmics</a>," we're treated to some serene nature footage while Mary Ann takes us home: "While you're flying along, think about all the people in your life who bless your life, and send blessings to them. You're going to such beautiful places on this trip. Keep reaching out with us for a better day." </div>
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I shall, Ms. Wilson. </div>
Mollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01053139440945373757noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4988782118132608652.post-78231122375468025922015-02-04T14:01:00.002-08:002015-02-04T14:09:20.361-08:00"Rhythmics" goes to Club Med<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrtRnyfi_jmYJnwsYhNc6HRwXgAkSipzgB0UIhX-c9AmPTx6Ou_ls2ZfF07CevoUGxgu_cMD_gZ1-GgyQB3lJbz34QBQSNvtzlwQ6izSH1OUnEwTAwqi56OoErJlwgnIbv22HiqxsCeLYd/s1600/R1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrtRnyfi_jmYJnwsYhNc6HRwXgAkSipzgB0UIhX-c9AmPTx6Ou_ls2ZfF07CevoUGxgu_cMD_gZ1-GgyQB3lJbz34QBQSNvtzlwQ6izSH1OUnEwTAwqi56OoErJlwgnIbv22HiqxsCeLYd/s1600/R1.jpg" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">MOPE. Ha.</span></div>
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Alright, now that there's been some passably substantial posts around here, I can get back to what really matters: celebrating old Russian TV workouts! </div>
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Yes, we are returning to "Rhythmics," light of my life and holy beacon of sass. </div>
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Today, we're going to beach! </div>
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The setting is a coastal Club Med-type spot, and we open in a discotheque with a DJ who is single-handedly keeping the international "Kung Fu Fighting" wave of the mid-'70s alive.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZDVMm7mvlAdKKCEJQkvEffRrOrKz26sd_dC_7N6b2aTvBV03Qt_RZ8XK7CM3hyCUUfaIt1EvASLcM_2x3osMFLub9jpqNB6z5CKJ75PjWjPT-tnb3I33m7u_qxQWOVQpELMdv0PZHBWtV/s1600/R6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZDVMm7mvlAdKKCEJQkvEffRrOrKz26sd_dC_7N6b2aTvBV03Qt_RZ8XK7CM3hyCUUfaIt1EvASLcM_2x3osMFLub9jpqNB6z5CKJ75PjWjPT-tnb3I33m7u_qxQWOVQpELMdv0PZHBWtV/s1600/R6.jpg" height="317" width="400" /></a></div>
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Watching him kick off the proceedings with great pomp up in his booth with his totally-ignored, probably-doing-all-the-work sidekick gets me every time.</div>
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Our presenter for this edition is saddled with an unfortunate hairdo and a scrolldown-fug romper, but what she lacks in sartorial grace she more than makes up for with attitude.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEji1G9sCOl_VLf7jtvwsUYQoq6LU5VkL_hLvZ-_nY81m_6yO2Rce8haWWZc7WdgSQCLp06nsZxgGGsICUFRiV7szRoz1iiZikW2tWF0oSNwM_KWtiaFyV_dcoq4rH_TWB3Q4e5PmlhEZ79x/s1600/R2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEji1G9sCOl_VLf7jtvwsUYQoq6LU5VkL_hLvZ-_nY81m_6yO2Rce8haWWZc7WdgSQCLp06nsZxgGGsICUFRiV7szRoz1iiZikW2tWF0oSNwM_KWtiaFyV_dcoq4rH_TWB3Q4e5PmlhEZ79x/s1600/R2.jpg" height="323" width="400" /></a></div>
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Watch her stop in the name of love with this hip-shaking warm-up move:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSR_KtsXFbm-n_A6L6HEhZLWlO2HtvZBeXKaJpPq_MmRyjI8xwDJyVAptaxrCzmL6Rg7gsi46pVFU_FSpzqxBBxCe5tl-u7qhzQRhFpettrYcLKePbkR-jKX4vRCEIUwkll8wGJ3Bc-_zt/s1600/R1.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSR_KtsXFbm-n_A6L6HEhZLWlO2HtvZBeXKaJpPq_MmRyjI8xwDJyVAptaxrCzmL6Rg7gsi46pVFU_FSpzqxBBxCe5tl-u7qhzQRhFpettrYcLKePbkR-jKX4vRCEIUwkll8wGJ3Bc-_zt/s1600/R1.gif" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
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I hadn't done this one in a while -- I blame you, unflattering romper bottom -- but I pulled it up this morning, feeling very creaky from what turns out to have been a cold. By the time I got to this Marcia Brady move, though, I was all in:<br />
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After the disco warm-up it's time for some light jogging around the resort. The outfit situation improves immediately, and DJ Ninja gets to sing his big aerobic anthem. </div>
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I love this part so. much. There are jump cuts to gnarly water sports, underwater chaise lounging, triumphant DJ fist pumping, and so much more.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjt66GPpd-P6jqHHPgb6RGldftaugt7_qCd0gUjIW5p8AnkOdYOwcg0nmRfexl-W_AckPp210JAvbZrQwE_fb6dwE5mSFDtCfj1aAPmWPeFWEo2B4dz5vQZhQEZJyNeiZSSXOQQ7hzVoV5R/s1600/R5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjt66GPpd-P6jqHHPgb6RGldftaugt7_qCd0gUjIW5p8AnkOdYOwcg0nmRfexl-W_AckPp210JAvbZrQwE_fb6dwE5mSFDtCfj1aAPmWPeFWEo2B4dz5vQZhQEZJyNeiZSSXOQQ7hzVoV5R/s1600/R5.jpg" height="320" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">They're playing chess (srsly).</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Best </span><span style="font-size: x-small;">possible</span><span style="font-size: x-small;"> non-emergency use of an exterior staircase</span></div>
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Even this total rando eating lunch gets a few seconds of screen time!</div>
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Then we settle in by the sea for some more dynamic stretching and beach-blanket ab work. It's good stuff! Just DON'T push yourself beyond your flexibility; these ladies are on another plane of mobility. If I'm shaky on a combination, I slow it down to a more reasonable pace.</div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Yeah at this point I'm basically perving on these gals but I CAN'T STOP.</span></div>
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The floor exercises are very Malibu Barbie, like so . . . </div>
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. . . but they're actually quality ab work! Plus, you get to revert to your nine-old-self pretending to be a mermaid splashing on a rock with waves crashing around you. </div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Check out the girl on the sailboat, like <i>la la laaaaa, kickin' it on this dude's boat...</i></span></div>
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Once mermaid time is over, we get our lovely moments of zen, down by the seaside.<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Just some light synchro swimming</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">They really enjoy their back bends in this one. </span><span style="font-size: x-small;">Prepare to feel very not-bendy.</span></div>
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And I'm out! "Rhythmics," you never disappoint.</div>
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<br />Mollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01053139440945373757noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4988782118132608652.post-19489640942393430712015-01-30T10:26:00.000-08:002015-01-30T10:27:13.298-08:00Break Free, Bipasha!<div style="text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/tj9d6aBOzDo" width="560"></iframe></div>
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<b>VIDEO:</b> "Break Free 30 Minute Dance Workout," <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tj9d6aBOzDo">free in full on YouTube</a><br />
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<b>STYLE:</b> Dance aerobics</div>
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<b>INTENSITY:</b> Light to moderate</div>
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<b>STRUCTURE:</b> Warm-up (10 mins.), dance aerobics (10 mins.), 1-minute water break, "Bollywood routine" (6 mins.), cooldown (3 mins.)</div>
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<b>GIST:</b> Good for beginners; repetitive but pretty fun; passable EDM-inspired muzak; minimal dialogue; over-the-top PDA between Bollywood-star presenter and camera; worth a try -- it's free!</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBBsKHED1h1ghddF36c5nbDVAdOJbtj9eqxieCHDMLQnbnxcKoFBoorfR5F-g4ZbPltiBR5sWhLymFzDXH5nZQIvDblRKc8OSO8C2si9SzAW6TJYhd0NBelSY0h-bwfCu6Wg_E2U3b6VVp/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-01-28+at+10.17.30+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBBsKHED1h1ghddF36c5nbDVAdOJbtj9eqxieCHDMLQnbnxcKoFBoorfR5F-g4ZbPltiBR5sWhLymFzDXH5nZQIvDblRKc8OSO8C2si9SzAW6TJYhd0NBelSY0h-bwfCu6Wg_E2U3b6VVp/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-01-28+at+10.17.30+PM.png" height="320" width="640" /></a></div>
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Gaze, my friends, into the eyes of a STAHHH. This is Bollywood celeb Bipasha Basu, and she is too beautiful for her own good. Not, like, in life -- being really really ridiculously good-looking is generally an advantage in the whole "become a super-famous actress" game -- but, specifically, in this video.<br />
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Oh, here I am, just a negative Nancy with no thigh gap, starting things off on a complain-y note instead of expressing gratitude for the existence of a full-length, professionally made, perfectly fine dance-aerobics video available free and easy on the internet.<br />
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Do you hear me, world? I give thanks for your blessings of free sass!<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhx0_Ca269ReW2ocYUnblBtrfZML5CUPNM4i5tb0HEwrF862AHqr3Z3pM3Oy2DarB1Cy4QK4wF6W4uDP1MnGwcyN_U3dIyGrt437f7dSreckVwIVl0-UuqvR-QfcxZA4uH7Gy1VjCOF3sFp/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-01-28+at+10.15.46+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhx0_Ca269ReW2ocYUnblBtrfZML5CUPNM4i5tb0HEwrF862AHqr3Z3pM3Oy2DarB1Cy4QK4wF6W4uDP1MnGwcyN_U3dIyGrt437f7dSreckVwIVl0-UuqvR-QfcxZA4uH7Gy1VjCOF3sFp/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-01-28+at+10.15.46+PM.png" height="200" width="400" /></a></div>
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Yes, there is some sass here, but it is buried under the most perfectly shellacked, frighteningly well-comported visage I have ever seen slumming it up in a workout video. I mean, this lady is many things -- international model, movie star, perfect human specimen, a "real pro" -- but a fitness presenter she ain't (quite).<br />
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Why? Because she is a freaking goddess, that's why. Goddesses don't smile too big or sweat hard or say dorky things or care a lot, in the grand tradition of fitness presenters. This is what goddesses do:<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibcsNgAWcBPwlvp33kPwqBZcEu1CF-pXT3jmhQkPvvLbOO9Oyr3S8o3iU8eY2Jq1DFztPGxAcK204rJstp7mvIGBMum30xCMibJW6auvZDvMPnVze041q3KR3VAxDXBtBJthbttqv2QU_w/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-01-28+at+10.31.39+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibcsNgAWcBPwlvp33kPwqBZcEu1CF-pXT3jmhQkPvvLbOO9Oyr3S8o3iU8eY2Jq1DFztPGxAcK204rJstp7mvIGBMum30xCMibJW6auvZDvMPnVze041q3KR3VAxDXBtBJthbttqv2QU_w/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-01-28+at+10.31.39+PM.png" height="320" width="640" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">"Look. At. This. Shit."</span></div>
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<li style="text-align: left;">gaze deeply with imperturbable serenity</li>
<li style="text-align: left;">show off manicures while assuming goddess pose</li>
<li style="text-align: left;">have hair blown flatteringly by <strike>industrial fans</strike> summoning the zephyrs of Aura</li>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjagUIHzhHm0LoluS55XhCH4v4SaN0sqJoMfvFE3U2WdjlMgp8sUOwojAZsbSgXQbP0ZIAF40GdQp2ZEQHjE8iJAjgNQ2y6O-obfY8DQKxf710xEEwxiGh7vQSPQZSvwbtXupZ3Qy_4CMAp/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-01-28+at+10.45.55+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjagUIHzhHm0LoluS55XhCH4v4SaN0sqJoMfvFE3U2WdjlMgp8sUOwojAZsbSgXQbP0ZIAF40GdQp2ZEQHjE8iJAjgNQ2y6O-obfY8DQKxf710xEEwxiGh7vQSPQZSvwbtXupZ3Qy_4CMAp/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-01-28+at+10.45.55+PM.png" height="198" width="400" /></a></div>
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<li style="text-align: left;">read minds via gazing deeply with imperturbable serenity</li>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgaN_zHb44Kyhy4PTGnI3LAybQYZC_4tX5eCsdaRukYTQ1LnxMn-0kVeQ454vXmxBXbO8nKH6vZ_7HvdmSpK3hbcmxhIIiRdPjhHwgGus-LnEITN5jGfPvpGCABnc-4skcYClkBAD-81qAJ/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-01-28+at+10.27.27+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgaN_zHb44Kyhy4PTGnI3LAybQYZC_4tX5eCsdaRukYTQ1LnxMn-0kVeQ454vXmxBXbO8nKH6vZ_7HvdmSpK3hbcmxhIIiRdPjhHwgGus-LnEITN5jGfPvpGCABnc-4skcYClkBAD-81qAJ/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-01-28+at+10.27.27+PM.png" height="201" width="400" /></a></div>
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<li style="text-align: left;">engage in ocular coitus with camera lenses, never breaking their connection to the boundless horizon of their own beauty</li>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIxAVY7A9j3CmduEG3dFNofvB_ZRRzmGz_irdx5S-MVp4OlzgbeLvsmVGu8n4Klc7RovEInOrSamJ3uHOBwc-ulYpLd03AXlL4LaOk-eNe_zZtjNJZux4TnLbsjUVbL1YbNkW_NRkYBhbP/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-01-28+at+10.55.50+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIxAVY7A9j3CmduEG3dFNofvB_ZRRzmGz_irdx5S-MVp4OlzgbeLvsmVGu8n4Klc7RovEInOrSamJ3uHOBwc-ulYpLd03AXlL4LaOk-eNe_zZtjNJZux4TnLbsjUVbL1YbNkW_NRkYBhbP/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-01-28+at+10.55.50+PM.png" height="193" width="400" /></a></div>
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<li>suck in cheeks and purse lips at regular intervals to form lit fuse of sultry explosion</li>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZthuFkY1Cl0_-cGRZ8n6rQZri7FNcuqQ89tlGYQYqelLexysmAH8VfL3Zi_B-TxNuYmXmJIZLBGEzcGTwvEexlkdJQAnaQn7pYXakVYJ2F-TKHwv4mUhUYBIXW8bxO1JinvzMLNcb81ZC/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-01-28+at+10.30.03+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZthuFkY1Cl0_-cGRZ8n6rQZri7FNcuqQ89tlGYQYqelLexysmAH8VfL3Zi_B-TxNuYmXmJIZLBGEzcGTwvEexlkdJQAnaQn7pYXakVYJ2F-TKHwv4mUhUYBIXW8bxO1JinvzMLNcb81ZC/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-01-28+at+10.30.03+PM.png" height="200" width="400" /></a><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgk1NrgklrAzDYzqumHOonT1smRUpM9vv1hPX3SjLAPZyjTcYB7NDGYdykeene08h69Anith2PgiDCRqu8btm3qKbGpz92EJx4vabRUzzaoYRLtCuS1lZVT6oobM8IfEy5-FhRHB4gaKMLq/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-01-28+at+10.51.03+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgk1NrgklrAzDYzqumHOonT1smRUpM9vv1hPX3SjLAPZyjTcYB7NDGYdykeene08h69Anith2PgiDCRqu8btm3qKbGpz92EJx4vabRUzzaoYRLtCuS1lZVT6oobM8IfEy5-FhRHB4gaKMLq/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-01-28+at+10.51.03+PM.png" height="200" width="400" /></a></div>
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Bipasha belongs on movie screens and in Bulgari ads, and she doesn't recalibrate that persona for a gig like this. For some viewers, she doesn't need to -- it's like working out with one of those "Stars -- They're Just Like Us!" features, or with a cross between Beyonce and Galadriel, which, now that I'm typing it out, sounds pretty fucking awesome. </div>
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Speaking in a style typically employed to trumpet big tech rollouts -- that steady, vaguely condescending tone of "NBD, but I'm about to blow your benighted little mind, so you might want to pay attention" -- she does a tidy little intro and tells the viewer, "Get ready to experience what it's like to Break Free."</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi45xBXMR0XqZ2Q6a7kf90NFE4-6sItyLWofPnR9S0w4Uty2ApyTxf6Wyacc0nTfR7bYqKpq6pLbIt-ox9LWAq9qk3d4o8C-DBKTOI7b-6es-tCI-ihD2MAo-coKaVGiJqk07lXYf4yKWxo/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-01-28+at+10.44.54+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi45xBXMR0XqZ2Q6a7kf90NFE4-6sItyLWofPnR9S0w4Uty2ApyTxf6Wyacc0nTfR7bYqKpq6pLbIt-ox9LWAq9qk3d4o8C-DBKTOI7b-6es-tCI-ihD2MAo-coKaVGiJqk07lXYf4yKWxo/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-01-28+at+10.44.54+PM.png" height="201" width="400" /></a></div>
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So we get into it, the breaking free. And yeah! Sure! The music is pretty solid, a more-generic version of generic global EDM. In the warm-up, I enjoyed these single shoulder rolls:<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEip1xMVx8-NZVHXJwLkTsffMnI-AfDZahCMfKPdU4p977dqrQMPrDY5rOZPncS7KUoMpzytu7K6ppvWplY1mwJrS96tXpwCYqP6HAxXPzdnDVv0TteyTn7dMvJ1CaSiXEqi8ZXNljcN2ydn/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-01-28+at+10.28.33+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEip1xMVx8-NZVHXJwLkTsffMnI-AfDZahCMfKPdU4p977dqrQMPrDY5rOZPncS7KUoMpzytu7K6ppvWplY1mwJrS96tXpwCYqP6HAxXPzdnDVv0TteyTn7dMvJ1CaSiXEqi8ZXNljcN2ydn/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-01-28+at+10.28.33+PM.png" height="192" width="400" /></a></div>
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and this Bollywood-style arm/shoulder serve n' pump:<br />
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I also like the text preview of what's coming next, so that if you want to use your own music, you still get cuing. Well done, producers!</div>
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Good isolation work in the hips . . . </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-_zzQU7JhSqTZM0GKLSsNHhmRXJNWva0MZ9icB_TQ9uCu8vct1x7dzonuRJ-12ObzhH9RHkICuoiYgUTqQimDsKJn4Yen8lNP5cD-mD8ifVdnSYkEHx7Q83WWxaeeM4M3450nDl2DGngC/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-01-28+at+10.39.53+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-_zzQU7JhSqTZM0GKLSsNHhmRXJNWva0MZ9icB_TQ9uCu8vct1x7dzonuRJ-12ObzhH9RHkICuoiYgUTqQimDsKJn4Yen8lNP5cD-mD8ifVdnSYkEHx7Q83WWxaeeM4M3450nDl2DGngC/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-01-28+at+10.39.53+PM.png" height="174" width="320" /></a></div>
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. . . and in the chest, especially with this fun lunging move.</div>
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Now we're in the main cardio/dance section, and there is a LOT of shoulder shimmying . . . </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAtkci0R4iUSk1CURgBGngN8FhhFzgiOALi18j1gDZx73knGqzXj2pKkRd-fD4HRJYhHNh9YfPz-pAQq_YAuBeo3eYjciLCX2fEhCpxbDd68S1i_97tNCQAkE2tpodUzCFCL6fRZl8pnJe/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-01-28+at+10.47.13+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAtkci0R4iUSk1CURgBGngN8FhhFzgiOALi18j1gDZx73knGqzXj2pKkRd-fD4HRJYhHNh9YfPz-pAQq_YAuBeo3eYjciLCX2fEhCpxbDd68S1i_97tNCQAkE2tpodUzCFCL6fRZl8pnJe/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-01-28+at+10.47.13+PM.png" height="162" width="320" /></a></div>
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. . . and body rolling . . . </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihm81PF_ciMzHamSBNB2SH2dt7mPJhIUa8UUGpy3Spdy64Qt9dLD3HWXqhFP6lKLRGJuB-3kzMOHJt8j__dQJXliRnRCJnA4TJTh1aKpfxVt1HkZNKLH5GWeMKius93kQgkKwnsY2B5CLg/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-01-28+at+10.47.34+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihm81PF_ciMzHamSBNB2SH2dt7mPJhIUa8UUGpy3Spdy64Qt9dLD3HWXqhFP6lKLRGJuB-3kzMOHJt8j__dQJXliRnRCJnA4TJTh1aKpfxVt1HkZNKLH5GWeMKius93kQgkKwnsY2B5CLg/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-01-28+at+10.47.34+PM.png" height="162" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Look at that hair perfection. Bow down to it.</span></div>
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. . . and last but not least, pumping. <i>So</i> much pumping! Like pump up the volume push it real good pump it up p-u-m-p-i-n-g. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-_-bFnP0m_HFkHTy9DJsh2FResu5t_tlF5YlOUezKtxOcPgAbsyWK82zizxno64Zrp6XkyzJJwQUZ7yW0AemeQZqgdei0H0OT4SrZU46KHEQ-iKYfcBygtzx5ti7vv9Xy8ObLPzjJd6iL/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-01-28+at+10.48.24+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-_-bFnP0m_HFkHTy9DJsh2FResu5t_tlF5YlOUezKtxOcPgAbsyWK82zizxno64Zrp6XkyzJJwQUZ7yW0AemeQZqgdei0H0OT4SrZU46KHEQ-iKYfcBygtzx5ti7vv9Xy8ObLPzjJd6iL/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-01-28+at+10.48.24+PM.png" height="200" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Pumpin' it</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Reading minds again, between pumps</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYFm7Wm9elpyynU0Y2R2fklLGA0CB2VRxmocZ92iHj0Kg5jEJpJVG1VAxZmEtkjWN_6-lOgvoT5jP2DWYaZSbNLUmvgmHOX5EXe_7Iy0UNR-RrxY9277FlN8EYpYJj9lOgurviIEckK8hD/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-01-28+at+10.51.31+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYFm7Wm9elpyynU0Y2R2fklLGA0CB2VRxmocZ92iHj0Kg5jEJpJVG1VAxZmEtkjWN_6-lOgvoT5jP2DWYaZSbNLUmvgmHOX5EXe_7Iy0UNR-RrxY9277FlN8EYpYJj9lOgurviIEckK8hD/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-01-28+at+10.51.31+PM.png" height="201" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Oh snap, DOUBLE-ARM CHEST PUMPS. Y'all ready for this?</span></div>
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Then there is a charming 1-minute water break where they count down the time, stress the importance of hydration (truth!), and make a big show of everyone (except Bipasha) dabbing sweat.<br />
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The video closes out with a short but fast-paced "Bollywood routine," which incorporates moves from the rest of the video with <i>even more </i>pumping and shimmying. It's crazy and fun. I also love that it starts with a dramatic ramping-up crescendo while Bipasha and her girls stand in place and do chest circles, as though they're witches stirring an atmospheric brew with their boobs and preparing to unleash untold wonders across the universe.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJi2ja2Sx_wwEST1IqVzHhKIh3wSmmQEx9ay34XeNkV_S0OstD8BXrAFltrCespSe7WQJJluW8tulZADHaWTWzn-6mZAhWHooM8YZTPJfO3b3gwS0IUrNvPHfMLj9a3kUQaTJMq6hBTv7f/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-01-28+at+10.56.58+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJi2ja2Sx_wwEST1IqVzHhKIh3wSmmQEx9ay34XeNkV_S0OstD8BXrAFltrCespSe7WQJJluW8tulZADHaWTWzn-6mZAhWHooM8YZTPJfO3b3gwS0IUrNvPHfMLj9a3kUQaTJMq6hBTv7f/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-01-28+at+10.56.58+PM.png" height="316" width="640" /></a></div>
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The cooldown is short and sweet, then the Beeps reminds us to "break free on a regular basis," which is sound advice.<br />
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On a side note, I wish sincerely that she would break free of her white short-shorts. They are tragic. They are wholly beneath her, and the prefab fringe on them makes me want to cry.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_VzLJAdtp4PvQD8UVsj4S_u4grSED8Vh-nnfirc4QoiBwiv_PkHiQ_VW6tY5bF0wa74WL199E4qPXRatjPPF2G3D6VBAkxkh5H2Fos6g7hLhyUORXA8n7CaB8s3SE2t4w0NoXwtPkhYZG/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-01-28+at+10.59.27+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_VzLJAdtp4PvQD8UVsj4S_u4grSED8Vh-nnfirc4QoiBwiv_PkHiQ_VW6tY5bF0wa74WL199E4qPXRatjPPF2G3D6VBAkxkh5H2Fos6g7hLhyUORXA8n7CaB8s3SE2t4w0NoXwtPkhYZG/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-01-28+at+10.59.27+PM.png" height="203" width="400" /></a></div>
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Bipasha, thank you for gracing us with your drop-dead gorgeous, possibly telepathic presence. You are a queen among peasants. Next time, though, I would love to see more of your <i>inner sass</i>. The kind that doesn't give a fuck about contouring or eyebrows that inspire poems or a Mona Lisa smile. Maybe it breaks the movie-star rules, but in the workout-video game, you have to descend occasionally from the firmament and shimmy across some terra firma. </div>
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Or not! Your eyes have entranced me once again, so keep on doing "you," girl. </div>
Mollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01053139440945373757noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4988782118132608652.post-83096727805732985792015-01-26T14:16:00.002-08:002015-01-28T13:30:30.721-08:004-3-2-1 Go<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyZUxPUOwQRn8wktk9fvWT3kg1UhB9WIw06gxloWfy1d4nKKLuYhmjeGcSNwCfn77dnq3U0Icbn9z93LYKjhHDx2Zu5dsFLTqHQZoW1t2haP1Jdg34nLHvxqAJ3zu-EqomQp7H83LcvuFH/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-06-08+at+9.23.37+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyZUxPUOwQRn8wktk9fvWT3kg1UhB9WIw06gxloWfy1d4nKKLuYhmjeGcSNwCfn77dnq3U0Icbn9z93LYKjhHDx2Zu5dsFLTqHQZoW1t2haP1Jdg34nLHvxqAJ3zu-EqomQp7H83LcvuFH/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-06-08+at+9.23.37+PM.png" height="302" width="400" /></a></div>
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<i>Viva Fit 'n Fun: Aerobic</i>! This one's an oddity from across time and space, and it recently washed up on the shores of <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Viva-AEROBIC-General-Fitness-Training/dp/B002N7P2RY/ref=sr_1_1?s=instant-video&ie=UTF8&qid=1422247721&sr=1-1&pebp=1422306179402&peasin=B002N7P2RY">Amazon Instant Video</a>. I haven't totally figured it out, but it's definitely of German origin and late '80s / early '90s vintage. The distributor is TravelVideoStore.com, a purveyor of -- you guessed it -- travel videos, and my best guess is that they acquired this content with some European production company's back catalog and, realizing that irony is a thing these days, decided to revive it on <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o9Uvcy8kXbk">multiple</a> <a href="https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/viva-fit-n-fun-step-aerobics/id418775928?mt=8">platforms</a>. Because who wouldn't be tempted to see what <i>this</i> is all about?<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfT6uK3DGC1ri4Du4Rd9aEhseNpJFJILIMgk-FnPe9lAXqN9c0zlVgJsG8tXRFlhPPXuENyM8VOcG4hpOQQx5q2LUB2kSoiX3yQgezX2rcqHgTeoA_BTFXzAPMsgh-WKLQ9Fi2-ebaOq3w/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-06-08+at+9.21.40+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfT6uK3DGC1ri4Du4Rd9aEhseNpJFJILIMgk-FnPe9lAXqN9c0zlVgJsG8tXRFlhPPXuENyM8VOcG4hpOQQx5q2LUB2kSoiX3yQgezX2rcqHgTeoA_BTFXzAPMsgh-WKLQ9Fi2-ebaOq3w/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-06-08+at+9.21.40+PM.png" height="307" width="400" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjE4SGglzab-YcCndcK33YNsVuBil6C9gz7GJAwKsPo9g0N70734hyYQGZJ0_GneP-0GRhJM7N_e4WfqDtCJmZYnuh1o_O5wIY3w-RuFrd2m5Rv8q1tNT1to_7wIuHGztz9twAcRGk8gaan/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-06-08+at+9.20.45+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjE4SGglzab-YcCndcK33YNsVuBil6C9gz7GJAwKsPo9g0N70734hyYQGZJ0_GneP-0GRhJM7N_e4WfqDtCJmZYnuh1o_O5wIY3w-RuFrd2m5Rv8q1tNT1to_7wIuHGztz9twAcRGk8gaan/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-06-08+at+9.20.45+PM.png" height="306" width="400" /></a></div>
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What it's all about is a half hour of some of the easiest, most throwbacky aerobics I have ever experienced while still enjoying myself. There is sass here, ladies and gentlemen. And it all rides on the attitude and abilities of two people:</div>
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Our presenter, whose healthy build, game attitude, and hair that seems between rolls in the sheets all amount to a formidable but welcoming presence . . . </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4J5ecRTF_vTr5EvMT8jpByeeShAjk4ptRvftuC5ACS3xWtY-UbnoK6kO4eqv_7WnBdRS0TTaIvlchpmnzHcjvyDK1KW2C0ggLqhLpPozQ-y5O3w9l3GjsROeRfvtlICxqtbdSsDG14GYk/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-06-08+at+9.22.20+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4J5ecRTF_vTr5EvMT8jpByeeShAjk4ptRvftuC5ACS3xWtY-UbnoK6kO4eqv_7WnBdRS0TTaIvlchpmnzHcjvyDK1KW2C0ggLqhLpPozQ-y5O3w9l3GjsROeRfvtlICxqtbdSsDG14GYk/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-06-08+at+9.22.20+PM.png" height="247" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">She is a down chick. </span></div>
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. . . and this guy. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYXoayFqRrsYjs84bOs1i0L2YmJbDby4ZZyGkVztn3uCG2eSKgHatS3Y4ZPaSgfEv9YRRZljEDm1xq1bKy3o2Lhxad_KDtMrdDRALyIwO4uUKFFI0HmW_o1_QNcVqZmID2-PkdvC95TFvh/s1600/image002.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYXoayFqRrsYjs84bOs1i0L2YmJbDby4ZZyGkVztn3uCG2eSKgHatS3Y4ZPaSgfEv9YRRZljEDm1xq1bKy3o2Lhxad_KDtMrdDRALyIwO4uUKFFI0HmW_o1_QNcVqZmID2-PkdvC95TFvh/s1600/image002.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="text-align: start;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">I took this from his website.</span></span></div>
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Meet Alexander Bestereimer, the man responsible for tipping this video from dated-and-for-good-reason to dated-but-kinda-magical.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg50B0vgcjC12w3mhT8CyJmF7jZsM1s0Y5c-RFipYRDKijAHbbywc7sP4fkinRDJwL6q8eXclmoZO4mGJnBWBOXlr5551DoBhU40WVzwK7h92Domj5OlA9LMHfxFZUC5rOO_8H_KMqmcNaE/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-06-08+at+10.05.51+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg50B0vgcjC12w3mhT8CyJmF7jZsM1s0Y5c-RFipYRDKijAHbbywc7sP4fkinRDJwL6q8eXclmoZO4mGJnBWBOXlr5551DoBhU40WVzwK7h92Domj5OlA9LMHfxFZUC5rOO_8H_KMqmcNaE/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-06-08+at+10.05.51+PM.png" height="244" width="320" /></a></div>
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As Mr. Bestereimer himself quoths (himself) on his <a href="http://www.alexanderbestereimer.com/">homepage</a>: "For me, it's important that by means of my music, I am able to send out positive energy so that people get lucky moments."</div>
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That is just darling, and it's pretty much how I felt doing this video. </div>
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The whole thing is instrumental only -- no verbal instruction -- which is refreshing, but unfortunately they swapped the budget line item for copy writer with "graphic designer on drugs." And so before each segment, which ranges from 2.5-4 minutes, we get these proto-GIFs that do very little to help us understand the next move. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVeutvHZ1WvIJf8H6rPjePzQpzEyl7sKN5g1jJ6TGQ6FPlWa7B1kvSEiLsjbv1upuBlyJ_xiKW89AB4dDDGBCy6-lpJl2H_Q6MjX-_lurl3IqLQ99U6c3zRNdytaeKY9qgtSLVrizkoF2Z/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-06-08+at+9.57.54+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVeutvHZ1WvIJf8H6rPjePzQpzEyl7sKN5g1jJ6TGQ6FPlWa7B1kvSEiLsjbv1upuBlyJ_xiKW89AB4dDDGBCy6-lpJl2H_Q6MjX-_lurl3IqLQ99U6c3zRNdytaeKY9qgtSLVrizkoF2Z/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-06-08+at+9.57.54+PM.png" height="246" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">"Descend into hell."</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrjUdiMO_5URu_1uUXDLV2emyw1OGp5G2V8ltBMYoz_DbVfjla2BlkiyCq_3rCSwDwKCz4l_VNTcDrMrw_qVvl9juFn47fh9lFrz4dG5mT-o8Tjhx8vTcwGVjo8zF2wF9bRtiXl29TLygf/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-06-08+at+9.56.56+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrjUdiMO_5URu_1uUXDLV2emyw1OGp5G2V8ltBMYoz_DbVfjla2BlkiyCq_3rCSwDwKCz4l_VNTcDrMrw_qVvl9juFn47fh9lFrz4dG5mT-o8Tjhx8vTcwGVjo8zF2wF9bRtiXl29TLygf/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-06-08+at+9.56.56+PM.png" height="243" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">This one's for a box step, I think.</span></div>
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These things go on <i>forever</i>, so prepare to jump in place or check your Instagram or start cooking dinner between segments.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSBN7KdiNlMHoSjYJmr_YcDqIH1bhjyHsO_xpEDn9ujATIm4vaUgqvE9vbIr9yiB_nKi9slePBFjEbN77YjIZUHbr6sYjYf8a2gfTvUn1lEjW7B7bg8wlYK3SlGBF0b8SvoJpL5pM4XHXx/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-06-08+at+10.02.09+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSBN7KdiNlMHoSjYJmr_YcDqIH1bhjyHsO_xpEDn9ujATIm4vaUgqvE9vbIr9yiB_nKi9slePBFjEbN77YjIZUHbr6sYjYf8a2gfTvUn1lEjW7B7bg8wlYK3SlGBF0b8SvoJpL5pM4XHXx/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-06-08+at+10.02.09+PM.png" height="244" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">So many arrows!</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7c3AOr2bE8fhGcA7MGutJGJ5mbOTLZJx1TIq5E9C8couZX7Esb3XJ6aiRNlOVE7zNyUeQ87rSQMuhE4qmFonyDqum3H38-219ysdOvETM5xGUIuEZtmmBfmsP4IWPuFAKS1w8zJmnYfNh/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-06-08+at+10.00.50+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7c3AOr2bE8fhGcA7MGutJGJ5mbOTLZJx1TIq5E9C8couZX7Esb3XJ6aiRNlOVE7zNyUeQ87rSQMuhE4qmFonyDqum3H38-219ysdOvETM5xGUIuEZtmmBfmsP4IWPuFAKS1w8zJmnYfNh/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-06-08+at+10.00.50+PM.png" height="246" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">I like this, because it makes clapping during exercise seem exalted.</span></div>
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Each segment is ridiculously simple: two to three moves max, repeated, and maybe with a variation thrown in. Before each one, the music counts off, "4-3-2-1 go," in an android voice, and I appreciate the automaton approach. Rather than your American-style cheerleader stuff, this feels more like strapping yourself into a mediocre theme-park ride, one indifferent to your ruminations on your belly fat. 4-3-2-1 go. Just go.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKnmzVq-ugH0SwepD0wDSNGdzG7CENUx65XOTDWnXREbfw2lH9WnKDsbXX-f9tKoKDpLpmBMb5Dtz7va3BtOVg1AdOgPwgruiOsoGL2fhDW-B3cvUPykcHB9beatuyNWSrIWVNhQSzWR2G/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-06-08+at+10.02.58+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKnmzVq-ugH0SwepD0wDSNGdzG7CENUx65XOTDWnXREbfw2lH9WnKDsbXX-f9tKoKDpLpmBMb5Dtz7va3BtOVg1AdOgPwgruiOsoGL2fhDW-B3cvUPykcHB9beatuyNWSrIWVNhQSzWR2G/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-06-08+at+10.02.58+PM.png" height="307" width="400" /></a></div>
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We're going! There is a ton of marching in place in this video, and these ladies will shame you with their aptitude in this department. Knees up, hair bouncing, scrunched socks in the air -- [insert dated "militaristic Germans" joke here]. Just go with it.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgT6ib7Jh0JMI4qRuqjdjQEJL_WFFLBSTkt2firq62y61oi78UJb_s6_u0Ev1jRrgXu1YBqrLWT3lj4eLVjbfZRQRy0LKR2nKXNUy0YVS5wo4v4rqHTd3bXzKqx3aPO9PlkRROREgI8CEzM/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-06-08+at+9.24.03+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgT6ib7Jh0JMI4qRuqjdjQEJL_WFFLBSTkt2firq62y61oi78UJb_s6_u0Ev1jRrgXu1YBqrLWT3lj4eLVjbfZRQRy0LKR2nKXNUy0YVS5wo4v4rqHTd3bXzKqx3aPO9PlkRROREgI8CEzM/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-06-08+at+9.24.03+PM.png" height="308" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">They love it!</span></div>
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So we get into some boxy box steps . . . </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRFbvuMbCa-yw-y8Wi3w5Faw4hO7184p0s-XDSnrB9RqK2DhkVJxtfX2daK6JfXuiCO4HRjvvCpXcf88hKvT4vVjrpII8ZT34btQX-DWCyn7jhtbjBu8Km5Qod-9Ycr-waGFnlxA1SZwUL/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-06-08+at+10.23.38+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRFbvuMbCa-yw-y8Wi3w5Faw4hO7184p0s-XDSnrB9RqK2DhkVJxtfX2daK6JfXuiCO4HRjvvCpXcf88hKvT4vVjrpII8ZT34btQX-DWCyn7jhtbjBu8Km5Qod-9Ycr-waGFnlxA1SZwUL/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-06-08+at+10.23.38+PM.png" height="305" width="400" /></a></div>
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. . . some crossing step touches . . . </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhw7d70l8xMhzFcKJ_zoo19CTK6TEE5rnNMVTOdDgR88ip15EjhbR0iXCB8R_jMlF7QQyeKIAkXI5EBnwDJIreVbyrnsCkKVEPJ-81EvGRkR9JiCFwuA0EL3Ah8cVkyjFlPTEc3T52gG7qu/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-06-08+at+10.03.59+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhw7d70l8xMhzFcKJ_zoo19CTK6TEE5rnNMVTOdDgR88ip15EjhbR0iXCB8R_jMlF7QQyeKIAkXI5EBnwDJIreVbyrnsCkKVEPJ-81EvGRkR9JiCFwuA0EL3Ah8cVkyjFlPTEc3T52gG7qu/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-06-08+at+10.03.59+PM.png" height="305" width="400" /></a></div>
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. . . pretty much the most basic aerobics moves you could ask for. For beginners, this is great, and for junkies like me, what elevates the proceedings is the music of Herr Bestereimer, which is corny but fabulous, much in the way of the tinselly synthpop of "<a href="http://worldofsass.blogspot.com/2012/04/people.html">Rhythmics</a>." If you want a preview, the whole soundtrack is available <a href="http://www.arcadiamusic.com/music/album/?title=Aerobic">here</a>. But maybe don't listen to it out of context. Actually, definitely don't listen to it out of context, because it only makes sense when you're doing this:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyIS4XMc_R7LgrtgzNYiBU9dnn8UJg-qIj7psCXW1tGEW2zuhOR22RdBlTapDGc5lPxfWjNksNZcxmpUP888P5w58RjjlAhTCjPAA5nzI71aR7zBsQySN957FRI8lA0GcB4tXZoym8mGcl/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-06-08+at+9.59.44+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyIS4XMc_R7LgrtgzNYiBU9dnn8UJg-qIj7psCXW1tGEW2zuhOR22RdBlTapDGc5lPxfWjNksNZcxmpUP888P5w58RjjlAhTCjPAA5nzI71aR7zBsQySN957FRI8lA0GcB4tXZoym8mGcl/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-06-08+at+9.59.44+PM.png" height="305" width="400" /></a></div>
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At the end, you'll be decently sweaty, and the android will say, "Feel good now." You will obey.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiM8JDyu5fmMXrTFbokGe1Rzwb3HnZNBEtGqOw75C8w-Bv-wH3v58kmsWb7T5T3sK_pOwKY0-Wdr7IU2UkHXlkfrRURHPaYTsfchXxMLsISAtlv-dSX1niUN11KS6B0fJkkKJYjSEiqs6RS/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-06-08+at+10.05.08+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiM8JDyu5fmMXrTFbokGe1Rzwb3HnZNBEtGqOw75C8w-Bv-wH3v58kmsWb7T5T3sK_pOwKY0-Wdr7IU2UkHXlkfrRURHPaYTsfchXxMLsISAtlv-dSX1niUN11KS6B0fJkkKJYjSEiqs6RS/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-06-08+at+10.05.08+PM.png" height="305" width="400" /></a></div>
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There are a bunch of these Viva Fit 'n Fun videos, all free streaming with Amazon Prime, with titles such as "Body Walk" and "Jazz Gym." Try 'em out when you're having a weird day. </div>
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Mollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01053139440945373757noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4988782118132608652.post-77409442109329270902015-01-21T11:12:00.003-08:002015-01-26T14:25:11.935-08:00Hippity hee-haw hoppin'<div style="text-align: center;">
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Yeah, so this was going to end up on here sometime. About a dozen different friends posted this on my Facebook page when it made the rounds of short attention spans everywhere a couple months ago. How gladdening it is to know that when my friends see White People Embarrassing Themselves in a Dated Workout Video, they think of me. #blessed</div>
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I didn't slap this up here earlier because a) I gravitate against posting things that have already gone viral -- I'm a hipster/contrarian like that, as detailed in my intrapersonal exploration of <a href="http://worldofsass.blogspot.com/2013/06/aqua-prancercise.html">Prancercize</a>; and b) it's just too easy. </div>
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The bowl cut . . . </div>
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The bicycle shorts . . . </div>
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The moves . . . </div>
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Although, to be fair, she was probably just trying (and failing) to capture the smoking-hot intensity of Janet Jackson in the "If" video, and haven't we all been there? </div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Don't be cavalier about Janet. You will get burned.</span></div>
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Devoting serious blog snark to <i>Country Hip-Hop Dancing</i> would be like screaming at a grocery store manager about <a href="http://www.grapplefruits.com/">Grāpples</a>. It was a bad idea and nobody buys them anyway, so let's just have a quick laugh and politely pretend it never happened, k? Blah blah cultural appropriation blahdeeblah -- we don't even need to go there. It's written all over the video.</div>
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However, this guy. </div>
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I think we can all agree that he's chill and would probably drive you to the airport if you asked him.</div>
Mollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01053139440945373757noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4988782118132608652.post-58966988896717361972014-05-24T12:49:00.001-07:002015-01-26T14:26:11.576-08:00Jillian Michaels and the Art of Tough Love<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="text-align: left;">VIDEO: <i style="font-weight: normal;">Jillian Michaels 6 Week Six-Pack</i></span></span></h4>
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<span style="font-size: small;">STYLE:<span style="font-weight: normal;"> Abs-focused interval training</span></span></h4>
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<span style="font-size: small;">INTENSITY:<span style="font-weight: normal;"> Moderate to intense</span></span></h4>
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<span style="font-size: small;">STRUCTURE:<span style="font-weight: normal;"> Two 30-minute workouts with pairs of cardio and resistance intervals</span></span></h4>
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<span style="font-size: small;">GIST:<span style="font-weight: normal;"> Quality ab work, motivation, and pseudo-sexual harrassment in equal measure</span></span></h4>
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For anyone trying to lose weight in America, the system is against you. This is a system that yields entire menus of fast food cheaper than your average head of broccoli, where yogurt and granola get tarted up like Act III–<i>Grease </i>Sandy, rebranded and pumped full of industrial-grade sweeteners, exchanging any real virtue for black spandex and a trip in a flying convertible. We're told we deserve microwavable cake and cinnamon buns the size of a small child's head for merely getting through the day. Food giants want us to want them, ad infinitum, and they'll literally <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2013/02/24/magazine/the-extraordinary-science-of-junk-food.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0">walk out of the room</a> when faced with the results of their efforts. </div>
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Against the backdrop of this trans-fatty monolith stands Jillian Michaels. American-made in the obesity age, she is to exercise what Mark Bittman is to food: an approachable, back-to-basics authority who doesn't want to hear your bullshit. </div>
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I wasn't crazy about Jillian the <a href="http://worldofsass.blogspot.com/2012/05/jillian-is-not-here-to-make-friends.html">first go-round</a>, but her mixture of no-nonsense efficacy and genuine encouragement won me over. In <i>6 Week Six-Pack</i>, she offers two workouts built around abs-heavy cardio and strength intervals, and they're the most efficient use of 30 minutes you're likely to find in an fitness video. Jillian makes it clear from the beginning that when it comes to exercise, interval training is a Faustian deal: you can have your shorter time frame, but you'll have hell to pay.</div>
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So you've got burpees, planks, jackknives—and that's all in the first 10 minutes. I like the way she incorporates upper, middle and lower body into a move, such as this lateral lunge with a side crunch made harder by hand weights. </div>
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Or these leg lift–crunches: </div>
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Or this god-awful side plank that actually once made me cry:</div>
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There's a bit of the sadist about our Jillian, and you know? I'm into it. At times she makes her backup girls work extra hard, and she likes to watch them burn. She'll taunt them—"I love watching the Barbies suffer"—and coo at them while they do her bidding. </div>
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It's all kind of twisted and pervy, which is at least interesting. So often, it's like fitness presenters are made to take an oath of blandness before inking their contracts. And Jillian's clearly having fun, performing a role here. She takes all the old fitness cliches—<i>no pain, no gain</i>; <i>feel the burn</i>—and adds a little dose of camp. She acts like she's getting off on their pain because she wants <i>you </i>to get off on your pain—to feel charged and empowered by making your suffering your bitch. </div>
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So that's the psychosexual stuff going on. The basic instruction is solid: she explains things clearly and quickly, and she knows just the right moments to drop the theater and push you to keep going. There were definitely a couple times I was on the verge of calling it quits when she intervened, right on cue. </div>
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Bookending all this "Master and Servant" Masterpiece Theater is the gentle Jillian, the one who strokes your gross sweaty hair and tells you it's gonna be ok, because you're one step closer to that 21st-century holistic grail: total wellness, total control of your life. </div>
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This is what the people want, in addition to Doritos Locos tacos and mocha-caramel popcorn sundaes, which can make a person both crazy and corpulent. Jillian succeeds because she cuts through the crap and reminds you that 30 minutes of tending to your one and only body is painful, possible and absolutely necessary.</div>
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Mollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01053139440945373757noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4988782118132608652.post-25332741869504004662014-02-02T22:04:00.000-08:002015-01-26T14:26:33.563-08:00Prime TimeI just discovered that as an Amazon Prime member, I can stream a huge, steaming pile of sass for free or just a couple bucks. I am happier than Denise Austin after a heady grapevine combo.<br />
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Despite using Prime ($80 a year) all the time, for everything from buying paprika and booty shorts to watching all four seasons of the BBC's superbly saccharine <i>Lark Rise to Candleford</i>, it hadn't occurred to me to check for workout videos until the polar vortex kept me inside long enough to fully exhaust my existing library. Denise Austin was my first fling in Primetown, which I'll review sometime before another three months goes by, and I am ready for more. Look at all these goodies:</div>
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It's a new day; it's a new dawn; IT'S A NEW LI-YEEF FOR ME. Prime Time has begun!Mollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01053139440945373757noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4988782118132608652.post-75343961664383619092013-11-20T20:49:00.000-08:002013-11-20T20:49:59.705-08:00"Rhythmics" Mood Board<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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So, <a href="http://worldofsass.blogspot.com/2012/04/people.html">"Rhythmics"</a> continues to be the best thing ever in all the world of sass. I feel <a href="http://worldofsass.blogspot.com/2011/11/in-soviet-tv-land-disco-ball-refuge-for.html">cosmically</a> <a href="http://worldofsass.blogspot.com/2012/04/again-with-rhythmics-love.html">bonded</a> to it.<br />
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I still work out to it from time to time, even though some of the moves rely on such a crazy level of flexibility that I overshoot it and wind up with a knotty back or a janky leg. I don't care.<br />
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But "Rhythmics" is about so much more than the choreography. It is an experience for all senses—</div>
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sets filled with giant flowers, ribbon drapes, and luminescent bubbles . . . </div>
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interesting staging . . . </div>
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(seriously, look at these artful arrangements of bods; somebody loved this job) . . . </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhft18tF_K2_UMtiu4Po80IYsymY5EQtGFsh2maFWLC05TO_5_rvlxfo2FBFWpP7FAiiZ8RJ7b4zSKifciaCgHgKXimMutN2EG5H_RyiD7Pl3vyL1NjiMFyMA-wqi9b2jqcz0jclUZb1NG5/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-11-20+at+9.06.46+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="458" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhft18tF_K2_UMtiu4Po80IYsymY5EQtGFsh2maFWLC05TO_5_rvlxfo2FBFWpP7FAiiZ8RJ7b4zSKifciaCgHgKXimMutN2EG5H_RyiD7Pl3vyL1NjiMFyMA-wqi9b2jqcz0jclUZb1NG5/s640/Screen+Shot+2013-11-20+at+9.06.46+PM.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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mood ring lighting . . . </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_wr3NGnFHvwAFzn1f5YF7Be2JN4PZ2VOJNOHUsdDRijsTanYS-2bxSV3PCIS6Fj4AOI7eu1ctQSXyWOhnfZfpgmVwnj8h8WjW1L7FlidSk7bYEZwgJjTbIOjGC5hzqxJxTsigqWgzlFXR/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-11-20+at+9.15.22+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="448" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_wr3NGnFHvwAFzn1f5YF7Be2JN4PZ2VOJNOHUsdDRijsTanYS-2bxSV3PCIS6Fj4AOI7eu1ctQSXyWOhnfZfpgmVwnj8h8WjW1L7FlidSk7bYEZwgJjTbIOjGC5hzqxJxTsigqWgzlFXR/s640/Screen+Shot+2013-11-20+at+9.15.22+PM.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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and harmonica-kissed krautrock to butt exercises like this.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIPoaOqACp3ZWErmJmWkrt39B7KQ3pHDKeHkRzMvKvSV70ggH88zEwbh2s4GjmssbZNBygLQ8osb-sgbnEEY8yIdB6_1EXm-TXUn9f57es34jGp5Ztpbg9m-eGxD2F8hzBBy4VrQ_JCYCm/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-11-20+at+9.15.47+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="448" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIPoaOqACp3ZWErmJmWkrt39B7KQ3pHDKeHkRzMvKvSV70ggH88zEwbh2s4GjmssbZNBygLQ8osb-sgbnEEY8yIdB6_1EXm-TXUn9f57es34jGp5Ztpbg9m-eGxD2F8hzBBy4VrQ_JCYCm/s640/Screen+Shot+2013-11-20+at+9.15.47+PM.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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I return to this enchanted, golden temple when I need inspiration and understanding.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjt_ppunIImBK58Y5lLCFghuOTX2oftyf2IOrDht3PPK0rTH-sl51ZxgEy7aAAeHI5Ydls4bOr0C28UIRLi-yG_uN5AK9OaQePiAG_6r9Di97HbV7R6YPwrZNn3oSjPIRip3l1mKAS2QFRF/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-11-20+at+9.13.50+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="458" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjt_ppunIImBK58Y5lLCFghuOTX2oftyf2IOrDht3PPK0rTH-sl51ZxgEy7aAAeHI5Ydls4bOr0C28UIRLi-yG_uN5AK9OaQePiAG_6r9Di97HbV7R6YPwrZNn3oSjPIRip3l1mKAS2QFRF/s640/Screen+Shot+2013-11-20+at+9.13.50+PM.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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These fancy side plankers know what I'm talking about. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEix1W3ResJYIPTnzzXB0Sb4FII2Ppndhj0sq9MRE1W1X2oyG2e57RgvH87TcXdFJlyv9LeNB5Y7Za9Sl1Tu-reaigaKa1jVmj8t1_XBSUFd6D41f2i6hnSGci8UBBrXTYLcWfXr4Lp3HfaN/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-11-20+at+9.04.56+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="458" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEix1W3ResJYIPTnzzXB0Sb4FII2Ppndhj0sq9MRE1W1X2oyG2e57RgvH87TcXdFJlyv9LeNB5Y7Za9Sl1Tu-reaigaKa1jVmj8t1_XBSUFd6D41f2i6hnSGci8UBBrXTYLcWfXr4Lp3HfaN/s640/Screen+Shot+2013-11-20+at+9.04.56+PM.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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Gathering these pixelated jewels is like making a mood board . . .</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSlpNPaIYZJ72Z7seKzwHlJEquSOasivOIft7EHuikOsV04OexYj8EcF1e_9luyNL7IhxpRCwzVjDxydXJPgi3s7RiHKCE7ucL7FS12pMcmdv3qaPfNFHWP7CJmgnQipvWj40UXZEVfKdD/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-11-20+at+9.17.11+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="462" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSlpNPaIYZJ72Z7seKzwHlJEquSOasivOIft7EHuikOsV04OexYj8EcF1e_9luyNL7IhxpRCwzVjDxydXJPgi3s7RiHKCE7ucL7FS12pMcmdv3qaPfNFHWP7CJmgnQipvWj40UXZEVfKdD/s640/Screen+Shot+2013-11-20+at+9.17.11+PM.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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or collecting cool beetles.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjB-KTkE6Ayl8lZ5PP_M74OD2Qpj2rbGXeFufN7ne1cOCOpTZ5ucMWKmypnuLWnTm8F8n4DPjg2MMA0D2qtyL-CKxLpa6IBmSr01s6VoB_Ug4JmVeXDAkyBBQ0LtJmTQL0ywjJaxQ-mcvdU/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-11-20+at+9.14.59+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="448" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjB-KTkE6Ayl8lZ5PP_M74OD2Qpj2rbGXeFufN7ne1cOCOpTZ5ucMWKmypnuLWnTm8F8n4DPjg2MMA0D2qtyL-CKxLpa6IBmSr01s6VoB_Ug4JmVeXDAkyBBQ0LtJmTQL0ywjJaxQ-mcvdU/s640/Screen+Shot+2013-11-20+at+9.14.59+PM.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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It gives me a sense of order in the world . . . </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBhLCgNPRkzUd6nDTVkbBw_HSlEMH7kBDTJmg3ChXz6T4NqDfvm08xrJmvz62lKHFM3lkREAVKLeV_eSV3TdseK6_IdmC7sVaVeVUJNIL9dUweUAJ7_8IUi5JKHG_dpJRKgm-pH8Fcx2lX/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-11-20+at+9.10.18+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="464" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBhLCgNPRkzUd6nDTVkbBw_HSlEMH7kBDTJmg3ChXz6T4NqDfvm08xrJmvz62lKHFM3lkREAVKLeV_eSV3TdseK6_IdmC7sVaVeVUJNIL9dUweUAJ7_8IUi5JKHG_dpJRKgm-pH8Fcx2lX/s640/Screen+Shot+2013-11-20+at+9.10.18+PM.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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and renewed faith in mankind.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgEU8f8JC7xnwe8ZgpwuNI9928oACUj5_ORsOPjmbzSWYyXYINZlEeyHDpiDXAvgKSgxjuNsqxz8NE4uANmvxtc_B7AUfZwpe2pAGN3ht1FUfwt4Pg2XFfsgn4eoUruOK5Pr3hCXHfb2bt/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-11-20+at+9.13.15+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="460" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgEU8f8JC7xnwe8ZgpwuNI9928oACUj5_ORsOPjmbzSWYyXYINZlEeyHDpiDXAvgKSgxjuNsqxz8NE4uANmvxtc_B7AUfZwpe2pAGN3ht1FUfwt4Pg2XFfsgn4eoUruOK5Pr3hCXHfb2bt/s640/Screen+Shot+2013-11-20+at+9.13.15+PM.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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"Rhythmics" is my lucky star.</div>
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The end.</div>
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Mollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01053139440945373757noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4988782118132608652.post-49864558891229217322013-11-14T06:55:00.003-08:002013-11-14T08:05:42.105-08:00Richard Simmons, November SalveNovember is 30 days long, but it is a long slog. November is the month when everyone realizes, "Crap! Time is passing! The year is almost dead! WE ARE ALMOST DEAD! Come, let us do all the things there are to do before our branches are bare."<br />
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At least that's how it goes down in my head. November gets the festive-o-meter ratcheting up, but as much as the Christmas commercials come out earlier and earlier, no one starts easing back on deadlines or workloads due to holiday parties and travel plans until that last Wednesday-Thursday (and, if you're lucky, -Friday) in November. Until then, you betta <a href="http://%3Ciframe%20width%3D%22560%22%20height%3D%22315%22%20src%3D%22//www.youtube.com/embed/pt8VYOfr8To%22%20frameborder=%220%22%20allowfullscreen%3E%3C/iframe%3E">work, bitch</a>.<br />
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So yeah, I'm busy. Nobody cares, which is as it should be, but still. Deadlines on deadlines on deadlines. Actually, that video does a pretty good job of describing the situation, except instead of wearing trashy couture I've got my boring office shoes and battalion of blazers.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwTYlUUm_yUi0niA5dQOYUy3lDdDq7Ukic5dM6XoLGq5TkA0hTHHSqHOpLqh3mwzID3yEDo87tzJqH3rcHXxNevap020kDSYjaGD-2DTuvEc6XV-MxmFCobyqy05Ns8ABv29AEdU1KfUXv/s1600/wb-8.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwTYlUUm_yUi0niA5dQOYUy3lDdDq7Ukic5dM6XoLGq5TkA0hTHHSqHOpLqh3mwzID3yEDo87tzJqH3rcHXxNevap020kDSYjaGD-2DTuvEc6XV-MxmFCobyqy05Ns8ABv29AEdU1KfUXv/s400/wb-8.gif" width="400" /></a></div>
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Soooooo, this is all a roundabout crazy-lady way of saying thank god for <a href="http://worldofsass.blogspot.com/2013/07/richard-simmons-rebooted.html">Richard Simmons</a> being around to keep things weird. He's second to RuPaul in living out the mantra to not take life too seriously, and he <a href="http://bit.ly/17jhJns">visited New Orleans recently</a>, popping up in all sorts of places.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYDct46PgpxIlQhiNAID_P6JfjZJ3wlMRFknXxQ1zJqBNh3xn2cneTMrg0Z4lcR3nUpWDIIwQYWC_h_mD6N90t-GvuUjvperTl6ujDG83JC6DYcRqHyot6Yk9oin9MgSYj09L8YndmKQDw/s1600/IMG_5825.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYDct46PgpxIlQhiNAID_P6JfjZJ3wlMRFknXxQ1zJqBNh3xn2cneTMrg0Z4lcR3nUpWDIIwQYWC_h_mD6N90t-GvuUjvperTl6ujDG83JC6DYcRqHyot6Yk9oin9MgSYj09L8YndmKQDw/s320/IMG_5825.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">On stage with the Pinettes Brass Band, with orange hair!</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3Fc0e2MWyIL7_3iS0RkmWP2muhuVh_NWN1VRNMj7XkGjyHttSXvsSQm0D-mDXi1q1x2aP1tEobOsyrlfP356FrWEZvDZERk-K9jRmyophRww_ZPUN65H8dUoxx8PyrcBK3ymBLSNyuCNa/s1600/Screen-Shot-2013-11-11-at-10.08.09-AM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="235" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3Fc0e2MWyIL7_3iS0RkmWP2muhuVh_NWN1VRNMj7XkGjyHttSXvsSQm0D-mDXi1q1x2aP1tEobOsyrlfP356FrWEZvDZERk-K9jRmyophRww_ZPUN65H8dUoxx8PyrcBK3ymBLSNyuCNa/s320/Screen-Shot-2013-11-11-at-10.08.09-AM.png" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">On Bourbon Street, with purple hair!</span></div>
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He makes November better.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUJANwA5LxLf6w0WUAUqLjm2AUEC1tpmGJBo9iy8D1pfhp-LRW-dIbBNagf295LxSlJ10scae1GZ8k-fLiLMw2wFNX7Z4i_Vo6S2pnSsybfrChbrmJFZ41fPj1bREOwU54CN4lHovP1eNe/s1600/Sweatin2.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUJANwA5LxLf6w0WUAUqLjm2AUEC1tpmGJBo9iy8D1pfhp-LRW-dIbBNagf295LxSlJ10scae1GZ8k-fLiLMw2wFNX7Z4i_Vo6S2pnSsybfrChbrmJFZ41fPj1bREOwU54CN4lHovP1eNe/s400/Sweatin2.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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<br />Mollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01053139440945373757noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4988782118132608652.post-45977200596927426122013-10-31T09:16:00.001-07:002013-10-31T09:22:07.239-07:00Dance Aerobics: "The Craft" Edition<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
I was going to start off saying that Halloween is the least fitness-related of holidays, but compared with Thanksgiving, Christmas . . . pretty much all of them — they're all excuses to eat a lot, have parties and be distracted from the interminable drudgery of life ticking away.</div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Cutting-edge clip art because I am great at blogging.</span></div>
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Yeah! So the real news is that I've been teaching dance aerobics recently, living the dream, and back in September I put together a bitchin playlist for Halloween week. I mean, haven't you yearned to go to a group fitness class where the teacher kills the lights, has everyone smear fake blood on themselves and leads choreographed exercises to gothy synthpop? </div>
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Dance Aerobics: <i>The Craft</i> Edition was not meant to be IRL, as my studio suspended our normal schedule for the week, but the playlist came in handy for my dance team's Halloween parade gig. (In New Orleans, grown-ups can be on dance teams.) The parade being for neighborhood folks and families and all, I cut out the weirder / more abrasive stuff — yes to "Weird Science," no to Skinny Puppy.</div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Yes!</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">No!</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">(Sorry. They are pretty scary.)</span></div>
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You might not think sass and Nine Inch Nails are capable of agreeably cohabiting your senses, but they go together like pumpkin spice lattes and overworked moms. </div>
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Happy Halloween! Enjoy the tunes.</div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Warm-up w/ my favorite princes of darkness</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Getting warmer and weirder . . .</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Spooky squats and lunges</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Cardio time. She's a glamazon! Be afraid.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Kinda corny, but I couldn't resist.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Angsty aerobics. Why isn't this already a thing?</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Werking a sexual-tormentor vibe as the cardio builds to its apex . . .</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">And then, I dunno, running around like insane people.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Cool-down! </span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">(You</span><span style="font-size: x-small;"> might think you hate this song, but that's actually scientifically impossible.)</span></div>
Mollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01053139440945373757noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4988782118132608652.post-79338531856927170802013-10-09T10:37:00.001-07:002013-10-09T10:38:43.977-07:00Hemalayaa's Pooch Palace<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbq5pQhGP3jVaWW7TgGwkdRymgELMVQDGZIz32U0Ay3F0oZi9OkayHVn0f5EW-58DbCCORCe5T3e37bJwjJu7UAENzTs6D4Bpdlwr5KZQheQ3iVaLebTLC_71BDhgLtE7R-3P586nSEQcu/s1600/Belly+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="352" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbq5pQhGP3jVaWW7TgGwkdRymgELMVQDGZIz32U0Ay3F0oZi9OkayHVn0f5EW-58DbCCORCe5T3e37bJwjJu7UAENzTs6D4Bpdlwr5KZQheQ3iVaLebTLC_71BDhgLtE7R-3P586nSEQcu/s640/Belly+2.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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<b>VIDEO:</b> <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Hemalayaa-Beautiful-Belly/dp/B0013NAMM4">"Hemalayaa: Beautiful Belly"</a> (Acacia 2008)</div>
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<b>STYLE:</b> Dance-based cardio/toning</div>
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<b>INTENSITY:</b> Light to moderate</div>
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<b>STRUCTURE:</b> 5-minute warm-up + three 12-minute dance/toning segments</div>
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<b>GIST:</b> Great for a light cardio day; quality abs work via dance, Pilates and stretching</div>
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Good ol' Hemalayaa. She knows what girls like. What girls like: a colorful, beautifully appointed, lit-from-the-heavens temple-palace designated specifically for self-love -- which ostensibly involves prancing, shimmying, crunching, planking, sweating and stretching but clearly could also include journaling, daydreaming, singing to yourself in the style of Tori Amos and masturbating (all one in the same, really). Hemalayaa offers viewers the fantasy of supreme body confidence, a strong core and non-tacky throw pillows in a room of one's own. And when you're working on your midsection -- that evergreen villain, the subject of so many winces in the mirror and whinges to girlfriends -- you may as well indulge in some make-believe. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiULY_9GumUH9_9DIswflW69ajbmwyO6CwzUsTLQ4WXq-vwCkJvkHfrpWN6-97meNZTLyve8OEiufHwfoSc7uZe82n0hxqw_DmQB3mFQkkzMVXfaMBO-Z74LMp2yUxRXZUm_T7L6aJi1Rfe/s1600/belly+cover.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiULY_9GumUH9_9DIswflW69ajbmwyO6CwzUsTLQ4WXq-vwCkJvkHfrpWN6-97meNZTLyve8OEiufHwfoSc7uZe82n0hxqw_DmQB3mFQkkzMVXfaMBO-Z74LMp2yUxRXZUm_T7L6aJi1Rfe/s320/belly+cover.jpg" width="224" /></a></div>
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"Beautiful Belly" is one of my favorite <a href="http://worldofsass.blogspot.com/2011/09/hemalayaa-selling-you-sass-self-esteem.html">Hemalayaa</a> titles. Even at full run time, it's short (42 minutes); but while it's relaxing and light in the cardio department, it seriously targets the abs. Here's a little tour:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgv1X84PopCdOy4wJMGey2R-lOyDD3MDt7fPQz_SOr6bDG-CV44LHmcOfvc2rmNCWl-sU2vGnsYIfdS_1c9r45sCwfHkAmiWR_JbEGdjngfY1Tb-K7sZ1LoiA282bjq_CmvPWVw0CR6Knq/s1600/Belly+5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgv1X84PopCdOy4wJMGey2R-lOyDD3MDt7fPQz_SOr6bDG-CV44LHmcOfvc2rmNCWl-sU2vGnsYIfdS_1c9r45sCwfHkAmiWR_JbEGdjngfY1Tb-K7sZ1LoiA282bjq_CmvPWVw0CR6Knq/s320/Belly+5.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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The warm-up is hilarious and fun. The music, aforementioned set and Hemalayaa herself ply orientalist clichés of exoticism and sensuality, but I find them harmless because Hemalayaa's personality and conviction come through so strongly. The warm-up involves lots of wide arm circles (see image above), gentle lunges with overhead arm circles and fast high-stepping (below). It's effective, gets you in the mood to work out. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6SPLLNX7qUlZLs50GK1H_HUJUIKtXAV4WGTKEcBNWJ-kLv4iU-aW4DmaxurNzrrvS5ZcV0_SGP5O_HCPPeKH1Z4ImseWvA_bWshu7wslItuOU9AXTPk_4rmO4nh_ALltuwUMRAdCxeHkZ/s1600/Belly+4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="179" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6SPLLNX7qUlZLs50GK1H_HUJUIKtXAV4WGTKEcBNWJ-kLv4iU-aW4DmaxurNzrrvS5ZcV0_SGP5O_HCPPeKH1Z4ImseWvA_bWshu7wslItuOU9AXTPk_4rmO4nh_ALltuwUMRAdCxeHkZ/s320/Belly+4.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEis8_Pb8urePqt27HJOCQWfNrvelmT8uBL9U2917ZieDCvpbAMQARELibHk3Z2MDMp2w6SpiIqlqMftHoIfFQqe8oYorCx1HoAN2Rww76jM7vAJRyhk9uncUw81JuMsDDgiz65rVcFvEqYN/s1600/Belly+1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="175" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEis8_Pb8urePqt27HJOCQWfNrvelmT8uBL9U2917ZieDCvpbAMQARELibHk3Z2MDMp2w6SpiIqlqMftHoIfFQqe8oYorCx1HoAN2Rww76jM7vAJRyhk9uncUw81JuMsDDgiz65rVcFvEqYN/s320/Belly+1.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Then we get into the main segments, titled Workout 1 (and 2 and 3). Don't fall for the pandering labels. These are not workouts on their own. If you want an actual workout, you need to do all three. Two minimum, if you're a fitness beginner. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjH_Ln6TBMIMfZ4xywJIIotOp3r2quUOJNRlG0r2SjCF4RUtJhMsFHe4LhsYyzVZ_f0R3b4xRLlrMCD7KPnrNALEf8jd0LIs5his28B9vcMJYWPGS1OfoxJV1aRmR_8_8l2r-15cOLAoz8q/s1600/Belly+3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="177" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjH_Ln6TBMIMfZ4xywJIIotOp3r2quUOJNRlG0r2SjCF4RUtJhMsFHe4LhsYyzVZ_f0R3b4xRLlrMCD7KPnrNALEf8jd0LIs5his28B9vcMJYWPGS1OfoxJV1aRmR_8_8l2r-15cOLAoz8q/s320/Belly+3.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Each segment is designed to be a circuit, with a cardio portion and a toning portion. The cardio includes funky knee raises (above) and variations, and the toning in Workout 1 features this totally fabulous move (below), wherein you get into a wide plank and then pump your pelvis up and down. Hawt.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBWBlcAebSvjoyvR9E7-oIXtWThG42bf7pSWS3kIVZWQ17jPy0LoYimEM-A6_vvY9_RQMNa5wjrH4XlLruGfougHO9qHY3y_-vRm_pPhk4oJqia97FNjfr7PRg79pbgsQg0RYm0gkkCiZK/s1600/Belly+6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="182" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBWBlcAebSvjoyvR9E7-oIXtWThG42bf7pSWS3kIVZWQ17jPy0LoYimEM-A6_vvY9_RQMNa5wjrH4XlLruGfougHO9qHY3y_-vRm_pPhk4oJqia97FNjfr7PRg79pbgsQg0RYm0gkkCiZK/s320/Belly+6.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzFuYyxn465BVj2KzRUBQwaXAh0Yk5FlFJrWBbUdQNS2nc2dLc9UZKVR4pgRLohkdnA6b536o5rPh9trWrAqQs1-msAc0S3Ge9SbjarZt9GJ-jeLLacHhnP14bPJ5wWHqKDQdzNasvB0se/s1600/Belly+7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzFuYyxn465BVj2KzRUBQwaXAh0Yk5FlFJrWBbUdQNS2nc2dLc9UZKVR4pgRLohkdnA6b536o5rPh9trWrAqQs1-msAc0S3Ge9SbjarZt9GJ-jeLLacHhnP14bPJ5wWHqKDQdzNasvB0se/s320/Belly+7.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Now we're in the second segment, which has you do this hair-flipping, booty-popping thing:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6GCjDB3Sem3A-GwkM_W5DEPFqm9xcOEvLq3AcgLfX0UXK7hTv7NBZajMg8ogFKrtCf4ghQILafYLQlLuvUCpXs3uYEiVDDewXh3SKHEaCi3FG8GfDai_XtFYXXIAuA3Jkhe8axjHP2UhU/s1600/Belly+8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="179" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6GCjDB3Sem3A-GwkM_W5DEPFqm9xcOEvLq3AcgLfX0UXK7hTv7NBZajMg8ogFKrtCf4ghQILafYLQlLuvUCpXs3uYEiVDDewXh3SKHEaCi3FG8GfDai_XtFYXXIAuA3Jkhe8axjHP2UhU/s320/Belly+8.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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And then you werk some Pilates stuff. This is what'll have you smarting the next day.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-DKLKos6DaJtB8fvDXkH4woK636qVMeKIRw4-8hncumaDUYKlJ_atXQ0dvMTFq_tF2S5mfwzsnTNKfsT0Isxv2t-TCPsK02qHSclEFVOaNLIS4mZqN2UUlFUQbN8ET3zcfeEnuXvqKuQX/s1600/Belly+9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="178" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-DKLKos6DaJtB8fvDXkH4woK636qVMeKIRw4-8hncumaDUYKlJ_atXQ0dvMTFq_tF2S5mfwzsnTNKfsT0Isxv2t-TCPsK02qHSclEFVOaNLIS4mZqN2UUlFUQbN8ET3zcfeEnuXvqKuQX/s320/Belly+9.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-euaGrDddRc_tQJ5j6U9RJ0d6FuAChN6FyxJAYaSAeeM_aoVRx7c-jx5vx2kZbX3bAxq44U7Nr1NorOsrZldejIBnl42cU2c-EkC78zp0cif2fwgAUDkTsY-t8pgNzPN2KdYn5GMSVdn7/s1600/Belly+10.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="182" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-euaGrDddRc_tQJ5j6U9RJ0d6FuAChN6FyxJAYaSAeeM_aoVRx7c-jx5vx2kZbX3bAxq44U7Nr1NorOsrZldejIBnl42cU2c-EkC78zp0cif2fwgAUDkTsY-t8pgNzPN2KdYn5GMSVdn7/s320/Belly+10.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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I love this series of core work and chest/shoulder openers. They're all done seated halfway on a pillow, giving your pelvic floor some extra support so that you can focus on straightening your spine and doing the movements efficiently. </div>
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Here's this bhangra kick. If you work on keeping your torso stable, it's harder than it looks. </div>
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Oh man. This plank series is tough but rewarding. </div>
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When I was <i>really</i> into this video, several years ago, I went on a business trip and was put up in a tiny room. I was set on doing this video at the end of a long day of sitting in meetings, bored-eating and watching myself bloat. So strong was the pull of Hemalayaa, I used an unoccupied corner of the motel lobby, garnering some strange looks from the couple staff members and patrons who spotted me. But I didn't care! I was in Hemalayaa's palace, where a pooch is precious. </div>
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Mollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01053139440945373757noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4988782118132608652.post-75460385967231774682013-08-06T11:59:00.002-07:002013-08-06T15:32:27.456-07:00Jessica Smith, "Ballet Burn" and How I Lost My Fear of YouTube Workouts<div style="text-align: center;">
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So maybe YouTube fitness vlogs aren't <a href="http://worldofsass.blogspot.com/2013/07/richard-simmons-rebooted.html">so incomprehensible</a>? I'm way behind the times on seeking out these free online offerings -- too busy using YouTube to chase clips of existing DVDs and (the real treasure) VHS tapes. Case in point: when I was craving a ballet class the other day but wouldn't have been able to get to one in time, I started googling for a free barre soundtrack, which I think is a thing? I know they have these <a href="http://www.roperrecords.com/ballet10.htm">CDs for ballet classes</a> but I guess you're supposed to have an actual teacher giving you the combinations. Anyway, instead I found something far more useful but comparably effective as a workout.<br />
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"Ballet Burn," available in full above, is one of many workout videos by YouTube fitness maven <a href="http://jessicasmithtv.com/">Jessica Smith</a>. Clocking in at just under an hour, it's perfect for anyone who wants ballet-style conditioning. You're not going to get much in the way of traditional ballet instruction, but she gives clear, concise information for each exercise as well as overall basic technique.<br />
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I like this chick's style: no forced perkiness, no shouting or babbling, no hamming it up for the camera. She's competent and casual, like working out with your fitness-instructor friend who is also a gentle shut-in and can't share her gift in public because of crippling social anxiety from that terrible freak kettleball accident 10 years ago. Only with you and her French bulldog there can she leave those memories behind and find an outlet for the passion that not so much rages but burbles inside her.</div>
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The routine starts off with some balletic cardio and goes through a series of leg lift variations, arm/leg combos, pli<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">é</span> variations, and stretches. She finds interesting and fun ways to incorporate tendus, d<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">é</span>gag<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">é</span>s, battements, arabesques, and ports de bras. Her ports de bras exercises in particular are fantastic, as she brings in 3-lb hand weights to condition the arms as they go through first, second and fifth positions. My biceps were so sore the next day, but adding the extra weight really helped me focus on keeping my core stable while giving my arms full range of motion.<br />
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Speaking of soreness, DAT ASS. If you're up on your PureBarre or <a href="http://worldofsass.blogspot.com/2012/02/turn-your-pear-into-sweet-tight-peach.html">Callanetics</a>, you'll probably have an easier time than I did with the glute-heavy stuff. I can do squats and pli<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">és all the livelong day, but bring in stuff that works the gluteus medius (lesser-known glute that sits on the top and side of each butt-check) and I'm cursing the world in short order. The first time I did this video, my butt basically gave out near the end. Was like "nope, no thank you, not gonna do it and you can't make me." </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">But(t)! I'm glad I found my way to Jessica's neatly appointed living room. I'll definitely be trying some of her other videos, and who knows -- I may even venture further into the YouTube fitness frontier.</span><br />
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Mollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01053139440945373757noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4988782118132608652.post-3196211572895481792013-07-29T07:37:00.000-07:002013-07-29T07:37:54.545-07:00Richard Simmons, Rebooted<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Watch out, world! Richard Simmons is comin for yer youngs. Not content to occupy a cozy, largely untouched but small niche in the pop culture landscape for decades, Richard Simmons is angling for a viral revival. He's got a youth-oriented branding consultant plugging him into the world of YouTube fitness vlogs -- a home-fitness genre I view with fascination and an odd sense of dread, as damp and impenetrable as the rainforest in <i>Aguirre, Wrath of God</i>.<i> </i>(Wow, that description jumped off the subtlety cliff quickly.)<br />
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Well good for him. The man is nothing if not enthusiastic and game for anything, even allowing his 65-year-old, short-shorted frame to be plunked down in what looks and sounds like a <a href="http://worldofsass.blogspot.com/2011/09/welcome-to-clubland-criteria-for.html">Ministry of Sound</a> video. Based on the clip, it seems to involve him shouting with a mixture of encouragement and panic.<br />
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Anyway, I've got my eye on you, Workout Wednesdays. I've never done a full Richard Simmons video, which is highly negligible of me. I've reordered my Netflix queue to remedy that. In the meantime, here's this promo video Simmons did with the gentle-hearted ADD kids over at Buzzfeed. Who knew he had such a fierce bitch-face?<br />
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Mollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01053139440945373757noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4988782118132608652.post-70726524311290820762013-07-25T19:36:00.002-07:002015-01-22T07:51:38.569-08:00Turbo Jam Fat-Blasting Turbo Time<div style="text-align: center;">
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<b>VIDEO: </b>"<a href="http://www.amazon.com/movies-tv/dp/B000JZ2VB2">Turbo Jam: Fat Blaster</a>" (Beachbody, 2006)<br />
<b>STYLE:</b> Cardio kickboxing with high-intensity intervals<br />
<b>INTENSITY:</b> Low to high<br />
<b>STRUCTURE:</b> Short warm-up and cool-down bookending ~25 mins of dance-inflected cardio kickboxing; four "turbo" intervals; 30 mins total<br />
<b>GIST:</b> Fun, fast, and good for repeat viewing; perfect for days when you're short on time<br />
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It occurred to me that I should probably post more straightforward workout video reviews. It can't all be celebrity squat-thrusting and bizarre Slavic odes to Depeche Mode around here. Sometimes you just need a decent workout video to get you through another day of barely not being a lazy slob.<br />
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This is Chalene Johnson. She is more than the person jovially grimacing on the cover of this "Turbo Jam Fat Blaster" 30-minute, effective and fun video. She is a "fitness personality" at the helm of a whole little <a href="http://www.chalenejohnson.com/#">exercise/self-improvement empire</a> that encompasses a gazillion Turbo Jam videos, a kickboxing-class franchise called Turbo Kick, an annual "you go, girl!" retreat called Camp Do More, and probably a bunch of other stuff I don't know about. She's really tan, works a ponytail like Toni Basil in full "Mickey" mode, and knows how to get some calorie burn out of a half hour. </div>
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"Turbo Jam Fat Blaster" seems to be a shorter, more interval-heavy sampler from her longer workouts. It's all the "turbo" sections from her other titles, first done at low intensity and then in "turbo" mode. There's a lot of turboing going on in general, whether you're riding a pony . . .</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiTCJPNUjUVv9P8J20AeUWx86fIlQwpYIy7_SxyhnO8Ng0zp2YAshNo0Wlq8ipEQyoTewakLw8PfEyZhWU6CaBQrTVyUzj-TrKn6aqa5aprI6tG1aCQvHDduqXt5vNrUAuuTVgRfgaglqD/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-07-25+at+5.43.35+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiTCJPNUjUVv9P8J20AeUWx86fIlQwpYIy7_SxyhnO8Ng0zp2YAshNo0Wlq8ipEQyoTewakLw8PfEyZhWU6CaBQrTVyUzj-TrKn6aqa5aprI6tG1aCQvHDduqXt5vNrUAuuTVgRfgaglqD/s400/Screen+Shot+2013-07-25+at+5.43.35+PM.png" height="301" width="400" /></a></div>
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. . . jumping up in the air like you just do care (about your physical fitness and desire to live a full, sexy, meaningful life) . . . </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNY0-akcZkXODWcLN8lLtMzBgzXeU0RV6YybmJwORG7SdFmEz5hoGjwfuAljbEf6Mcj3xXtwGxcnixfRBdwjliqILDz4HEyaxabsiQDrynkmwdwFCTohsJZQ_a8sXdgJlpWyKa_FrZ3uSL/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-07-25+at+5.46.23+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNY0-akcZkXODWcLN8lLtMzBgzXeU0RV6YybmJwORG7SdFmEz5hoGjwfuAljbEf6Mcj3xXtwGxcnixfRBdwjliqILDz4HEyaxabsiQDrynkmwdwFCTohsJZQ_a8sXdgJlpWyKa_FrZ3uSL/s400/Screen+Shot+2013-07-25+at+5.46.23+PM.png" height="301" width="400" /></a></div>
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. . . or ferociously stamping the ground with both feet, because WE ARE TURBO-TAXING OUR BODIES IN AN AWESOME, HIGH-INTENSITY WAY RIGHT NOW.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkf7dlA9-UxYz_5FPnFloGyQ-9nRLXNm_72CkYV7nNTKSrcpqIwSkwyhACfnIkF9XglBsbwNMRFeliWzzCBTrZorsdBuSMjysOt91D91gGwR94qdoTgT1SQnfSOlfOcmAxo-71ny-v6uSY/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-07-25+at+6.52.23+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkf7dlA9-UxYz_5FPnFloGyQ-9nRLXNm_72CkYV7nNTKSrcpqIwSkwyhACfnIkF9XglBsbwNMRFeliWzzCBTrZorsdBuSMjysOt91D91gGwR94qdoTgT1SQnfSOlfOcmAxo-71ny-v6uSY/s400/Screen+Shot+2013-07-25+at+6.52.23+PM.png" height="292" width="400" /></a></div>
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This is the first Turbo Jam workout video I've gotten through -- not because they're difficult but because Chalene's turbocharged style -- as seen in a couple other titles I tried -- didn't really get me going. </div>
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That said, I really enjoyed this workout: the choreography is fairly easy but not too easy to pick up and comes at you without any dilly-dally, making it good for repeat viewings. The moves are a fun blend of kickboxing and dancey flair. Chalene is high-energy, but that's the nature of her game, boo. Deal with it, and enjoy the quality sweat sesh.</div>
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Also, boobs. Damn near every woman in this video has big ol' fake titties. I guess that's what you do in L.A.</div>
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<br />Mollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01053139440945373757noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4988782118132608652.post-9280139849824154142013-07-11T12:12:00.001-07:002013-07-11T12:17:28.389-07:00Estelle Getty: "a peanut who's determined not to get any smaller."<div style="text-align: center;">
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This really needs no introduction or explanation, except to say that it's almost my recently departed grandma's birthday. She made nearly 92 years and stayed young at heart for all of them. I miss her.<br />
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PS - Be sure to hold out for the part where she brings in her trainer, a "full-time French hunk," and they exchange mutual affection thusly:<br />
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"Estelle, you're my inspiration."<br />
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"Oh please, I could live inside one your thighs."</div>
Mollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01053139440945373757noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4988782118132608652.post-814314534177422262013-07-06T16:09:00.001-07:002013-07-06T16:09:47.624-07:00The United States of Aerobica<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
America! 4th of July! Summertime! </div>
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You know what I'm getting at: the Crystal Light National Aerobic Championship, of course!</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVrB6pOrQlg4cz1IjQLzr6bowuBA6N44fucTv6uhzFCMIC2MJ7l-VmenNifCKOnVLMnJXPbyUWMqaJUWfKNNVLCi9C1OCq7u0kiI8PRTMK7u69oh0gD-gVYvothH-K81I4kM88oZkJX898/s1600/crystal+light.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVrB6pOrQlg4cz1IjQLzr6bowuBA6N44fucTv6uhzFCMIC2MJ7l-VmenNifCKOnVLMnJXPbyUWMqaJUWfKNNVLCi9C1OCq7u0kiI8PRTMK7u69oh0gD-gVYvothH-K81I4kM88oZkJX898/s320/crystal+light.jpg" width="178" /></a></div>
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The Crystal Light National Aerobic Championship is, first and foremost, a blogging bounty of gifts sent directly to me from YouTube heaven. Second, it's an 80s prime time TV happening that capitalized on the height of the aerobics trend by showcasing the nation's sproingiest, most patriotic and attractive fitness freaks. I've covered it before <a href="http://worldofsass.blogspot.com/2012/03/taking-put-spring-in-your-step-to-max.html">here</a>, and I'm kind of amazed I haven't posted more, because there's just so much of <i>this</i>:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzeMon1PsOnU9yZZsVioNv-3SbWK-OrLr3caFzSFaYOJa67_30T7xDPFmUgXkWTdVAszcwf75_axaLI9IVqAAToDioI4HmLKRnhax2pHsUFNCriJouAMbPYc4HFLy4kKOJXb8osvek0K_l/s1600/2avat.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzeMon1PsOnU9yZZsVioNv-3SbWK-OrLr3caFzSFaYOJa67_30T7xDPFmUgXkWTdVAszcwf75_axaLI9IVqAAToDioI4HmLKRnhax2pHsUFNCriJouAMbPYc4HFLy4kKOJXb8osvek0K_l/s1600/2avat.gif" /></a></div>
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And I'm far from the only one to notice. Splitsider has this <a href="http://splitsider.com/2012/04/a-look-back-at-the-1987-crystal-light-national-aerobic-championship-with-host-alan-thicke/">fun interview</a> with Alan Thicke, who got roped into hosting the program. Since the last time I cruised the hallways of the Crystal Light cathedral, the clips seem to have become fodder for lazy-kitschy music videos.</div>
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I'm fully on board with this aerobicized fan video for Eddie Murphy's "Party All the Time."</div>
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Oh, Crystal Light National Aerobics Championship. You're like that whale carcass from <i>Planet Earth</i>, chilling on the deep sea floor and supporting an entire little ecosystem of bloggy, briny creatures. We'll pick off your detritus of spandexed 1980s television, scavenging it for the nourishment of a Kickstarter page or an art-school video collage, turning the bites into bytes until you've been completely subsumed by the big blue. </div>
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Mollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01053139440945373757noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4988782118132608652.post-84809933858085341972013-07-02T07:49:00.000-07:002013-07-02T07:53:19.107-07:00Lookin' full, gentlemen.In honor of <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2013/06/27/us/politics/supreme-court-gay-marriage.html?_r=0">DOMA's timely demise</a> last week, here's some raw man meat sourced from the strip-mall GNCs of America.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-sknS10KRRl37zp9vJ_l6K_k-J8WbkxNizyKdzUC3PLBHh1wRu9oa05GBjYu0VcHIvHraKWmDL309tWcO_nqa55Zxx5Malsj6mPlrM5LhofES3v5vornyrQJqIQ6Izj65bZQhREfFLPhr/s500/aag+cover.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-sknS10KRRl37zp9vJ_l6K_k-J8WbkxNizyKdzUC3PLBHh1wRu9oa05GBjYu0VcHIvHraKWmDL309tWcO_nqa55Zxx5Malsj6mPlrM5LhofES3v5vornyrQJqIQ6Izj65bZQhREfFLPhr/s320/aag+cover.jpg" width="222" /></a></div>
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This video was one of the only fitness selections at my local public library branch. The "AllAmericanGuys.com" byline on the cover was clue #1 that it maybe didn't need to be shelved under under Health & Fitness. The back cover copy said nothing about the workout but featured short bios of the meatheads: Kyle was the face of American Eagle Outfitters' summer 2007 campaign -- as if anyone could forget it!</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhl13-7pUfCdOcb0ywZ7YThMTmjHDbk1FLVK-aXrlCVMOW5g2xbkZwe-5lx5HOpWFEDZAchfN2dDIsXwfLPSSf5bEt9jMott9shPab3DXYDAb_g0e4vNXnYJIW_EG8zbLIaJy51vvAOvBad/s637/aag1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhl13-7pUfCdOcb0ywZ7YThMTmjHDbk1FLVK-aXrlCVMOW5g2xbkZwe-5lx5HOpWFEDZAchfN2dDIsXwfLPSSf5bEt9jMott9shPab3DXYDAb_g0e4vNXnYJIW_EG8zbLIaJy51vvAOvBad/s320/aag1.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Steve has been featured in <i>Men's Health</i>, <i>Details</i>, and <i><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Anm44OEkFFk">Neither Dick Nor Ass Weekly</a></i>. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMiHqGed_RXxGWkgyNY6yoXQ5GhJU1Z-j_eMS3TeR6jAnlRy9lFf3cZYxMRWIbzuuUMJbcrE1hgTwsfYQDiPAQeCbBvC8UxLPyBpliZ_xqETr3u8HFbeuqOoWWfEJK3cEjU3oFZjB40fdK/s633/aag2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMiHqGed_RXxGWkgyNY6yoXQ5GhJU1Z-j_eMS3TeR6jAnlRy9lFf3cZYxMRWIbzuuUMJbcrE1hgTwsfYQDiPAQeCbBvC8UxLPyBpliZ_xqETr3u8HFbeuqOoWWfEJK3cEjU3oFZjB40fdK/s320/aag2.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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This title seems to occupy a weird space between workout videos and pornography, one that I knew existed from all the YouTube videos of super-skinny, big-boobied, barely dressed women performing rigorous exercise (a post for another day). This is the male version, and it's one step up from getting your rocks off by flipping through a Hollister catalog. </div>
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There's no nudity -- not even some harmless horsing around, until you get to the DVD bonus feature that shows them play-wrestling. It's just three cut-up dudes with empty thought bubbles floating above them, doing weights. There's barely even instruction. It solves the timeless problem of how to ogle guys at the gym without having to actually work out. It looks like it was made on a camera phone.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYa1KJl59d9j9FEoXfRJumhLToDYfJcANPNKW88pzNIYQt-ApeYxBlm-v6ZXVkwRdv6GNuFAHZB2H863lm5Q-UMCpjLWD6SFVfVbXAIV6T9iVhzcu9-sSmdrM-wpMuMjZ3uiP2ZZxWIkwg/s630/aaf3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="235" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYa1KJl59d9j9FEoXfRJumhLToDYfJcANPNKW88pzNIYQt-ApeYxBlm-v6ZXVkwRdv6GNuFAHZB2H863lm5Q-UMCpjLWD6SFVfVbXAIV6T9iVhzcu9-sSmdrM-wpMuMjZ3uiP2ZZxWIkwg/s320/aaf3.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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After telling his brosephs what they'll be doing in the gym today (spoiler alert: weights), Kyle leads the group in a self-conscious shedding of shirts. It's all very "no big deal; just another day looking this good." And then, I kid you not, Kyle gives his comrades the merest glance in each direction, nods his head and says, "Lookin' full, gentlemen. Loo-king <i>full</i>."<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigt1B-QQ2qcsD-rDAp6YVP1MsYPvL3EvkODb4D9Kp8nVfAHW4xocRxdCwNmeJATXzyomWEsR4U-0mqxvEK8ragtWK6GaynOYZOOB7Hswt5F3fuxesWTDk0mG_9HIc9IlYAQhq6KAxJxwyv/s633/aaf5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigt1B-QQ2qcsD-rDAp6YVP1MsYPvL3EvkODb4D9Kp8nVfAHW4xocRxdCwNmeJATXzyomWEsR4U-0mqxvEK8ragtWK6GaynOYZOOB7Hswt5F3fuxesWTDk0mG_9HIc9IlYAQhq6KAxJxwyv/s320/aaf5.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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It's low-grade erotica or "body inspiration," depending on where you are vis-a-vis the closet. And if the flexing and huffing and puffing in gym shorts isn't enough of either for you, Amazon recommends graduating to the full monty: </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEieLFlUFOP8ga08iHBWWuG0PWxgoICqleYABRb7SJfuSvF08C15J34hyphenhyphen72KNwADKsVVfaMBOh6RGxuahh3lUW6yYpVZBWdg3tQS8iD89o6dv7Th8djbyB2CKsa3yQr5L_v3baeoAc5QaDAc/s500/da+vinci.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEieLFlUFOP8ga08iHBWWuG0PWxgoICqleYABRb7SJfuSvF08C15J34hyphenhyphen72KNwADKsVVfaMBOh6RGxuahh3lUW6yYpVZBWdg3tQS8iD89o6dv7Th8djbyB2CKsa3yQr5L_v3baeoAc5QaDAc/s400/da+vinci.jpg" width="275" /></a></div>
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Happy Pride!</div>
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Mollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01053139440945373757noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4988782118132608652.post-39853910215397355332013-06-28T12:27:00.000-07:002013-06-28T12:27:25.736-07:00Strangelove<div style="text-align: center;">
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Not a workout video, but definitely some of the strangest sass I have seen this year. </div>
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So I'm really into Depeche Mode right now. Like full-on. Reading the magazine profiles; combing through the back catalog; having to stop myself from posting Depeche Mode-related status updates on Facebook; buying tickets to their concert that is five hours away and on a Wednesday, meaning I'll be taking off work and building a small vacation around going to see them. It's kind of nice and throwback-ish to be this into a band again?<br />
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There's a <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T0zrv_nndVo">whole</a> <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HJrTXlaRV8I">world </a>of YouTube choreography videos out there, and I figured there'd be tons and tons of Depeche Mode choreo for me to feast upon. I was wrong. Aside from a few contemporary combinations set to "Enjoy the Silence" or "Personal Jesus," there are mostly odds and ends -- which is where this Russian or Ukrainian student performance, set to a medley of DM songs, comes in.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixvFFdelXMGcTr_rmqaaLhzxLCeWUpeZ0DgbiTYw1ZmzmpfN2GkEUjYKZvAy06VnyQx038yFbJqAwoFNvi3QmJEeAyD8qdfPvlLScCXVqU4nDPhUe-qXTwsAQJ6gni0gxxBJ6LXNNhZcPs/s512/depeche+choreo+2.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixvFFdelXMGcTr_rmqaaLhzxLCeWUpeZ0DgbiTYw1ZmzmpfN2GkEUjYKZvAy06VnyQx038yFbJqAwoFNvi3QmJEeAyD8qdfPvlLScCXVqU4nDPhUe-qXTwsAQJ6gni0gxxBJ6LXNNhZcPs/s320/depeche+choreo+2.gif" width="320" /></a></div>
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There's a lot to take in here, but mostly I need to discuss the outfits. I do not understand the costuming choices here <i>at all</i>. I guess I understand the desire to shake up the standard Depeche Mode style wheelhouse of black, leather, mesh, more black, and a bloody crucifix thrown in for flavor. But Medieval tights and tunics + <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFB_539r4W75C25amm1c9SxNpVa08NT-WV0xVhbkWH-1-PI0XN1wY0zjFv5aJYrAz_LpZ5aDkKH3RTON56xqIr56OzQhB1RU32Bjk2_jarGCo2f_tQqB3wvgk_sXENij63lNBsqxokI-cg/s400/HB+TV+STARS+COLOR+14x17.jpg">Hanna Barbera</a>-esque headwear . . . I'm not getting it.<br />
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Here's a look drawn from Bourbon Street gift shops:<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUkmX1PlzRoaZGpFJAjmzzn2vQqyAWW3hBrLqppT1an_fqyQNwwmF2ZSrs9Tp2SS0nsgTcHoIAbkntRGqzAD3xlaF_36ctw2OxpQfFvdMIg-YYDrwUnIQ7aAJwnZGu1AHhKNh3BBMPxCl7/s512/depeche+choreo+1.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUkmX1PlzRoaZGpFJAjmzzn2vQqyAWW3hBrLqppT1an_fqyQNwwmF2ZSrs9Tp2SS0nsgTcHoIAbkntRGqzAD3xlaF_36ctw2OxpQfFvdMIg-YYDrwUnIQ7aAJwnZGu1AHhKNh3BBMPxCl7/s320/depeche+choreo+1.gif" width="320" /></a></div>
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Here's a little giantess who is also an executioner:<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_c5t5O3_uXZMj9xrS6wczaC4nDs_KIsBPcfRRFE2cisY-QWZV8ONbzlbx65QhFlKsskaS1uNV5kmD9NkhbqgrvZwAQUASKxYwrUcS_CiNWYaXFUD1MR71VDukvGJGbpV_ealtMi1wrTka/s512/depeche+choreo+3.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_c5t5O3_uXZMj9xrS6wczaC4nDs_KIsBPcfRRFE2cisY-QWZV8ONbzlbx65QhFlKsskaS1uNV5kmD9NkhbqgrvZwAQUASKxYwrUcS_CiNWYaXFUD1MR71VDukvGJGbpV_ealtMi1wrTka/s320/depeche+choreo+3.gif" width="320" /></a></div>
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And this girl is werking the hell out of her purple headdress (I just learned that it's called an <a href="https://www.google.com/search?q=escoffion&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ei=ZcDNUf6FO4e49gT-l4CAAQ&ved=0CC8QsAQ&biw=1920&bih=979">escoffion</a>. Neato!):</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQzTP5icAOFVpmSaOIOfSsuEmpPJXXj301fSzVVzLcid-7-YSbIBbT1vCOi4e7FL2YSZd_CReMeEdlyuC38W-QHoOrAI46K1RCKjnqiPbkzDqrWHnTJfySu0tgpGG_HCIKG1wR6FoeJeU7/s512/depeche+choreo+5.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQzTP5icAOFVpmSaOIOfSsuEmpPJXXj301fSzVVzLcid-7-YSbIBbT1vCOi4e7FL2YSZd_CReMeEdlyuC38W-QHoOrAI46K1RCKjnqiPbkzDqrWHnTJfySu0tgpGG_HCIKG1wR6FoeJeU7/s320/depeche+choreo+5.gif" width="320" /></a></div>
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Sorry/not sorry for the digression. Eastern European <a href="http://worldofsass.blogspot.com/2011/11/in-soviet-tv-land-disco-ball-refuge-for.html">sassy</a> <a href="http://worldofsass.blogspot.com/2012/04/again-with-rhythmics-love.html">dance</a> <a href="http://worldofsass.blogspot.com/2012/04/people.html">weirdness</a> is catnip to me. I get a little taste and then I'm squirming around on the floor for an hour. </div>
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Mollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01053139440945373757noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4988782118132608652.post-11630473567940536852013-06-24T12:38:00.003-07:002013-06-24T12:40:39.887-07:00Aqua Prancercise<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEix1_Z5DLF-ffjJY5ATVkFVwx-sB1cWOPuFOG9-1YbwUQBPncPEE1sMt_yWbUVdHUbC6NN-jyOAz6mk_N0HLrWA_C3N_fVOuMesj1KVm7586a0tZUpPKSJlSpFxdb9CCwRtnfs1dy3uTFNX/s1600/water-horse-rebecca-robinson.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="499" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEix1_Z5DLF-ffjJY5ATVkFVwx-sB1cWOPuFOG9-1YbwUQBPncPEE1sMt_yWbUVdHUbC6NN-jyOAz6mk_N0HLrWA_C3N_fVOuMesj1KVm7586a0tZUpPKSJlSpFxdb9CCwRtnfs1dy3uTFNX/s640/water-horse-rebecca-robinson.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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If you're wondering about the radio silence over here, I could blame moving, three different short vacations, and a bunch of deadlines at work in the past month. But really, I blame Prancercise. </div>
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You see, <i>I</i> am supposed to be the one to break hard-hitting stories about the premier at-home workout fads of our day. Once upon I time I was an actual journalist at an actual newspaper, and even though I got off that sinking ship in the nick of time, I'm still a Ding-Dong-crumb-encrusted, coffee-guzzling, barely-making-deadline reporter at heart. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjv2HnpGzXozmzDaJiIAF-DN6FZisuYG9i-fHSV0BTP0z9623WemJMdA25V3hE0j1U8QzHxSzzMaC7J_E0O3bbX8OH-RzYt6fRoHkFu0x7uorGQkj6-34ikKH9dg4G2sz5o5DVoJYtlpKps/s1600/water+horse+profile.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjv2HnpGzXozmzDaJiIAF-DN6FZisuYG9i-fHSV0BTP0z9623WemJMdA25V3hE0j1U8QzHxSzzMaC7J_E0O3bbX8OH-RzYt6fRoHkFu0x7uorGQkj6-34ikKH9dg4G2sz5o5DVoJYtlpKps/s320/water+horse+profile.jpg" width="208" /></a></div>
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So to be SCOOPED . . . by the INTERNET . . . on something as <i>monumentally amazing </i>as Prancercise? To discover it only after it had gone viral? Well, it kind of broke my world (of sass) for a minute.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjDT55tIc3dvHnZA1AczoetM8bJ2uRgtRT02I8iPVteLxCGwJcVYllF-VA2PotGcZD1y1zJI7Hn3wrMvVYPOULcbVomSyBgH82X4Cqik_uIYl2PXcIPzn0ORMDP7ZjSiGBbRyAB0xR0pSo/s1600/Water+Horse+iPad+Wallpaper+HD.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjDT55tIc3dvHnZA1AczoetM8bJ2uRgtRT02I8iPVteLxCGwJcVYllF-VA2PotGcZD1y1zJI7Hn3wrMvVYPOULcbVomSyBgH82X4Cqik_uIYl2PXcIPzn0ORMDP7ZjSiGBbRyAB0xR0pSo/s320/Water+Horse+iPad+Wallpaper+HD.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Ridiculous? Of course. Instead of being like, "THANK YOU, Internet, for giving me this wonderful blog fodder that I will immediately write about in a new and unique way!" I got all bent out of shape because the faceless forces of viral video had plastered Prancercise all over the place, saturating the digital landscape with horse chips. By the time I saw it, it had already been <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WbmNodcez_4">parodied</a> (not my wheelhouse), <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kFREH2bvVew">covered by the Today Show</a>, and <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6CLVszRuMHw">given the hipster treatment</a>. (The Hairpin's simple, straightforward <a href="http://thehairpin.com/2013/06/interview-with-joanna-rohrback-the-prancercise-guru">interview with Prancercise founder Joanna Rohrback</a> was tops.) Almost instantaneously, the whole thing was too meme-ified, in my mind, to touch. Because once you have Prancercise, what else is there?</div>
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The answer, it turned out, was aqua Prancercise. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiF9FdKhYmkZwikq6iHgOETqZRY6u0KL_lA2qes2PQJ0G4HDT_igjTIEjXZiOjo4KuCqynQtx4tfbHak7Hx6NSjt67e1r2ekjzW-8keRRx66F40RYTMw6EV9prfF8BfS1GUbg4ck3YghCod/s1600/water_horse_by_grau23-d54263o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiF9FdKhYmkZwikq6iHgOETqZRY6u0KL_lA2qes2PQJ0G4HDT_igjTIEjXZiOjo4KuCqynQtx4tfbHak7Hx6NSjt67e1r2ekjzW-8keRRx66F40RYTMw6EV9prfF8BfS1GUbg4ck3YghCod/s640/water_horse_by_grau23-d54263o.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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This idea occurred to me about three drinks into a trip to my neighborhood pool/bar/short-term nudist's colony. Kinda hard to stay inhibited when half the people around you are casually nude in sweltering daylight and high on the scent of each other's pheromones. My two companions and I went through the patented Prancercise moves -- the prance, the trot, and the gallop -- at first subtly, then with abandon. It made for quite a bit of splashing, which inspired even more splashing. Same thing with neighing, though to an even greater degree. BE CAREFUL about the neighing . . . it can get weird quickly. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-1lWGcDCWhrNq_DL1aOPH0n1dhmHVR7pBi-D_eYmOHRZO4j-Jrq7FJ3aUZtrSNdUeEM_UhARSEGfOHv0gbGnMv5fgT5CEWRI_MEZRmScpxTF1-uWQVWQyzwABl73O7FwzicXzqpemA3Th/s1600/water+merhorse.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-1lWGcDCWhrNq_DL1aOPH0n1dhmHVR7pBi-D_eYmOHRZO4j-Jrq7FJ3aUZtrSNdUeEM_UhARSEGfOHv0gbGnMv5fgT5CEWRI_MEZRmScpxTF1-uWQVWQyzwABl73O7FwzicXzqpemA3Th/s320/water+merhorse.jpg" width="216" /></a></div>
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We probably burned some calories. If we'd had ankle weights we would have been in serious business. It was delightful and meditative. More important, I sublimated my reporter's rage at Prancercise ubiquity with a refreshing dose of Prancercise liquidity. Mollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01053139440945373757noreply@blogger.com0