Monday, September 12, 2011

Streaming Sass & "The Situation Workout"

I learned a few important things today.

1. Netflix has a modest but decent library of fitness videos available on instant streaming. This is marvelous news! They're culled mostly from the Crunch, 10 Minute Solutions and Dance Off the Inches series, with a few randos thrown in. Which leads me to...

2. Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino of "Jersey Shore" shadenfame has a workout video. Of course he does. It promises to give you "the recipe for your own Situation" and features two vaguely guidette-ish chicks, along with Mike's meathead bestie from the block, dubbed The Unit. (Why "The Unit"? Says he: "You don't choose the nickname; the nickname choose you.") As for the chicks' nicknames, they get to share the generic, maddening "sweetheart," along with douchey molestations from "the man, the myth, the legend" himself.

The Unit, at your service.

The only workout that includes special instruction in sexual harassment!

3. Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino has a fairly decent workout video. I would never do it for real because of reasons already stated and further elaborated below, but in terms of the actual workout, I can't find too much to hate on. It consists of five 10-minute circuit-training segments, each of them a combination of dumbbell exercises and "active rest" aerobics. The whole workout, about an hour long, amounts to P90X: "Jersey Shore" Edition.

For some, that's not only tolerable; it's a selling point. For me, not even an ironic fan of that Music Television programme, I'd rather suffer the private humiliation of the entire "Dance the Chakras Yoga Workout" than listen to Signore Situation opine on himself, his haters and women, (but mostly himself).

Consider this:

  • Mikey riffs freely on the cocktail-napkin script, mostly by making "uh," "OK" or "the Situation" (or "situated" or "sitch") every third word. As in: "Ok, we got our boxing shuffle right now. Situation. You ready? You got your own Situation. You're a Situation. Everybody's the Situation today. Alright, let's go."
  • Excerpt from the introduction: "Everybody knows I'm not a specialist when it comes to working out...but there's only one Situation in the world, right? Guess what -- that's me. I look good. Keep hatin'. Let's go. I'm eating haters for breakfast, lunch and dinner."
  • Hyper-aware that he's got two women commissioned to be in his company for a day, Sitchums freely lavishes his douchitude on them, particularly the one he calls "baby" rather than just "sweetheart." He slathers this woman with a fetid triple-cocktail of pervacious looks, stupid come-ons and inappropriate touching. So inspired by lust is he that he engages The Unit in a dramatic aside, wherein they discuss how best to get "a Situation" going with the little lady. 

I don't begrudge The Situation his right to do his thing, and this workout video is mostly definitely his thing. Like I said, it's a pretty good workout for what it is. If you love him or love to hate him, by all means, check it out. If you prefer your life un-Situated, you don't need me to tell you how you're likely to feel taking direction from this chode. 

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