Jessica Smith's Plain Dealing

YouTuber Jessica Smith is the new fitness maven in my life. Her appeal is so straightforward yet sneaky I find myself constructing all sorts of tortured descriptors like "distinctively bland" or "normcore fabulosity" to explain her non-mystique. She has the blank, gentle directness of a good therapist, combined with a wellspring of interesting exercises that you won't find in other workouts. She's got the three Cs of effective presentation, a thing I just made up: competent, confident, and casual. Jessica doesn't go for fancy locations or kewl workout clothes or high-polish production—she's typically in her living room (like you, the viewer), filming on her laptop—but her workouts challenge you in perfect doses, and together with her no-pressure motivational style, it all adds up to an addictive home-workout experience. 

Working out with Jessica is like working out at a friend's place. Her dog, Peanut, is usually hanging out with a bone or napping; she wakes up near the end of the workout to lick her sweat. You wouldn't think it's adorable every time, but it absolutely is. Peanut is a chubby little nugget of dog delight, and I will watch her sniff the door or stare off into space any old time. 

Jessica shapes her workouts with real intention and delivers fully conceptualized, well-structured videos. Take, for example, the "Low Impact 'Quiet' Cardio 30-Minute Workout" above: it manages to be truly low-impact (no shoes needed) while making good on the promise of 30 minutes of cardio. She has us do "quiet" squat-jumps, by which she means focusing on a controlled jump all the way through the legs and feet on the way up and down. That kind of attention to detail is hard to find outside of a ballet class. I did "'Quiet' Cardio" on a low-energy day, and, like many of her videos, it gently sucked me in, pushed me to do well, and left me feeling like I'd gone on a nice long run. 

Her exercises: they're dank. (Yep, dank. It's 2002.) Jessica's choreographic vocabulary is truly impressive. Her moves are built on basics—squats, lunges, pliés, jumps, arm movements, yoga poses, floor exercises—but she always adds some sort of twist. She might have you do a curtsy lunge and then hinge at the waist while doing a tricep curl. Or she'll add wide arm circles to a leg-lift series, so that you're working upper and lower halves in new and different ways. If you're into body meridians and that kind of whole-body energy circuit–type thing, you'll love her.

In fact, Jessica's are the only workouts I've encountered that approximate "Rhythmics" levels of innovation and fluidity in the choreography. She and "Rhythmics" are about the only home workouts I do anymore, the latter for that vintage/femme/euro vibe and Jessica for no-frills, American-girl body maintenance.

And I mean "American girl" in the historical, New England sense (though she lives in Florida): Jessica is a walking-in-place embodiment of favorite Puritan girl's names—Verity, Prudence, Amity, Felicity, Tenacious. Industrious and a bit modest—no booty shorts or heaps o' cleavage; no close-ups except for in her Q&As, where she fights the good fight dispelling myths about diet pills and toxin cleanses—Jessica is refreshingly, admirably basic. She's the friend who's always fine to eat at whatever restaurant, even as you change your mind four times. She's the officemate who never talks shit about anyone and is pleasant to talk to at lunch but equally fine not talking. And, as my best friend put it, "More than any other workout-video person, it feels like she's in the room with you, watching you and knowing what to say and when."

She also has a huge line of walking-workout videos, but I haven't done any of those. I've skimmed through a couple, and they seem suited to both beginners and anyone who wants some cardio without having to go outside. I've enjoyed all of her ballet titles, her HIIT (high-intensity interval training) workouts, and some of the more conceptualized ones, like the aforementioned "'Quiet' Cardio" and this "Rise and Shine" morning workout:

So hip-hip-hooray for Jessica Smith. I could spill 500 more words about how she fits into the zeitgeist of DIY YouTube success, but I'm more interested in her message than her medium. What comes through most of all in Jessica's work, as well as in her judiciously served commentary, is the importance of feeling good rather than looking good. That sounds like a cliché, but it's hard to overstate how difficult it can be to internalize that message when society, the media, and your own demons are constantly telling you there's something wrong with the way you look. Jessica only wants you get to know your body, to appreciate it, and to maintain that contraption so that you feel good spending all your time on earth inside of it. 

What A Feeling! Freedanse and Flashdance

VIDEO: Freedanse, free on YouTube

STYLE: Dance aerobics and conditioning

INTENSITY: Light to moderate/high

STRUCTURE: Warm-up (8 min.), Pilates-style conditioning (17 min.), dance aerobics (20 min.), cooldown (6 min.)

GIST: Height of '80s aerobics earnestness, with an appealing Euro twist. Takes a minute to get going, but a quality sweat sesh overall. Beginner friendly, but those with choreography pickup and Pilates skills will have an easier time.

To quote YouTube user edd_I: "THERE IT IS. THAT ASS FROM FLASH DANCE. THATT ASSSS!"

Yes, nostalgia junkies of the internet, there it is: that ass belongs to Marine Jahan, the French dancer best known for bringing the flash to the famously overrated Flashdance (1983). Nobody cares about the lame love story that takes up the bulk of the movie; they remember, in reverse order, 1) Jennifer Beals in a welding mask and 2) the dance sequences—training SOHARD to "Maniac," the one with the water dumped on her, and wowing the snooty judges at the big audition. That was Marine! She crushed it, made the movie, yet never got a film credit for her work. (I found several other sources confirming this, my favorite being the Marine Jahan entry in this self-published reference guide, "The Jennifer Beals Handbook: Everything You Need to Know About Jennifer Beals.")

Freedanse (1984) was Marine's shot at marrying the film's success with the burgeoning aerobics craze to make a hit of her own. With her hairspray-encrusted Julie Andrews 'do and a game troupe donning the height of hi-cut activewear, Marine brings a loose ease and a hint of European sophistication to the proceedings. Note the French-style spelling of "danse" in the title—mais bien sur. 

Before we get started, though, Marine needs to take some slow-motion time in the spotlight, serving up at long last her byline, along with some danspiration, the theme song ("All your dreams will come true with Freedanse!"), and a good look at her leotard's crotch strip.

It goes on for a while. Then we get to the actual workout, and we're ready to go, like ready freddy doing the freddy ready—and she starts with head rolls. Which, ok, yeah I've been to dance classes that start straightaway with stretches, but lady, you're in the world of workout videos. That means cardio warm-up. In class, you get by on the threat of public shame; you don't stop just because your stiff head rolls are like a busted rake across your shoulders. At home, you need a smewwwth transition past the "I am but a tatty jumble of nerves and fat" stage. Don't make me wait for those step-touches, Marine.

So we're stretching . . . 

. . . reaching . . . 

. . . pulsing our pubes, together.

I like these downward-dog relevés; she does them neutral, turned in, and turned out. The calves appreciate the thoroughness. 

There's a decent amount of floor work, much of it in the Pilates vein. Lots of butt clenching. The music goes from generic keyboard groove to aggressively corny synth-harmonica. You have to either get on board with it or face sudden feelings of hostility and self-doubt. "Am I this music?" you'll ask yourself. "Do I look like how this sounds?" You probably do, but that's ok.

The cardio section begins pretty innocently, with simple step-touches and arm raises, but quickly gets you panting with a long, high-kneed pony section. And she's very precise, Marine. No grapevine or reaching palm is taken for granted. 

The harmonica funk returns, this time with lyrics about "going to the health spa, better than the corner bar," and you're doing this broken jumping jack spine roll thing, and if you stick with it you actually ascend to a higher level of human comedy, and that alone is an accomplishment.

It's usually by about this point in the video that I'm totally sold on it. All the conditioning exercises are just a long preamble to Marine's body beats dramatiques. The big finish is a series of step turns, which you're encouraged to jazz up into Freedansing ecstasy. Just look at this guy on the right:

Those are head rolls to make the angels sing. 

Once I finally did this video to completion, I looked forward to doing it again, and we enjoyed a fun week-long fling together. I haven't felt the desire to do it since, but it's totally decent and as authentic to '80s aerobics as you'll get outside of the Crystal Light National Aerobics Championships. Find yourself a dance belt, inhale hairspray in a brightly lit closet for a while, then give Freedanse a try. 

"Rhythmics" goes to Club Med

MOPE. Ha.

Alright, now that there's been some passably substantial posts around here, I can get back to what really matters: celebrating old Russian TV workouts! 

Yes, we are returning to "Rhythmics," light of my life and holy beacon of sass. 

Today, we're going to beach! 

The setting is a coastal Club Med-type spot, and we open in a discotheque with a DJ who is single-handedly keeping the international "Kung Fu Fighting" wave of the mid-'70s alive.

Watching him kick off the proceedings with great pomp up in his booth with his totally-ignored, probably-doing-all-the-work sidekick gets me every time.

Our presenter for this edition is saddled with an unfortunate hairdo and a scrolldown-fug romper, but what she lacks in sartorial grace she more than makes up for with attitude.

Watch her stop in the name of love with this hip-shaking warm-up move:

I hadn't done this one in a while -- I blame you, unflattering romper bottom -- but I pulled it up this morning, feeling very creaky from what turns out to have been a cold. By the time I got to this Marcia Brady move, though, I was all in:

After the disco warm-up it's time for some light jogging around the resort. The outfit situation improves immediately, and DJ Ninja gets to sing his big aerobic anthem. 

I love this part so. much. There are jump cuts to gnarly water sports, underwater chaise lounging, triumphant DJ fist pumping, and so much more.

They're playing chess (srsly).

Best possible non-emergency use of an exterior staircase

Even this total rando eating lunch gets a few seconds of screen time!

Then we settle in by the sea for some more dynamic stretching and beach-blanket ab work. It's good stuff! Just DON'T push yourself beyond your flexibility; these ladies are on another plane of mobility. If I'm shaky on a combination, I slow it down to a more reasonable pace.

 Yeah at this point I'm basically perving on these gals but I CAN'T STOP.

The floor exercises are very Malibu Barbie, like so . . . 

. . . but they're actually quality ab work! Plus, you get to revert to your nine-old-self pretending to be a mermaid splashing on a rock with waves crashing around you. 

Check out the girl on the sailboat, like la la laaaaa, kickin' it on this dude's boat...

 Once mermaid time is over, we get our lovely moments of zen, down by the seaside.

 Just some light synchro swimming

They really enjoy their back bends in this one. Prepare to feel very not-bendy.

And I'm out! "Rhythmics," you never disappoint.

4-3-2-1 Go

Viva Fit 'n Fun: Aerobic! This one's an oddity from across time and space, and it recently washed up on the shores of Amazon Instant Video. I haven't totally figured it out, but it's definitely of German origin and late '80s / early '90s vintage. The distributor is TravelVideoStore.com, a purveyor of -- you guessed it -- travel videos, and my best guess is that they acquired this content with some European production company's back catalog and, realizing that irony is a thing these days, decided to revive it on multiple platforms. Because who wouldn't be tempted to see what this is all about?

What it's all about is a half hour of some of the easiest, most throwbacky aerobics I have ever experienced while still enjoying myself. There is sass here, ladies and gentlemen. And it all rides on the attitude and abilities of two people:

Our presenter, whose healthy build, game attitude, and hair that seems between rolls in the sheets all amount to a formidable but welcoming presence . . . 

She is a down chick. 

. . . and this guy. 

I took this from his website.

Meet Alexander Bestereimer, the man responsible for tipping this video from dated-and-for-good-reason to dated-but-kinda-magical.

As Mr. Bestereimer himself quoths (himself) on his homepage: "For me, it's important that by means of my music, I am able to send out positive energy so that people get lucky moments."

That is just darling, and it's pretty much how I felt doing this video. 

The whole thing is instrumental only -- no verbal instruction -- which is refreshing, but unfortunately they swapped the budget line item for copy writer with "graphic designer on drugs." And so before each segment, which ranges from 2.5-4 minutes, we get these proto-GIFs that do very little to help us understand the next move. 

"Descend into hell."

This one's for a box step, I think.

These things go on forever, so prepare to jump in place or check your Instagram or start cooking dinner between segments.

So many arrows!

I like this, because it makes clapping during exercise seem exalted.

Each segment is ridiculously simple: two to three moves max, repeated, and maybe with a variation thrown in. Before each one, the music counts off, "4-3-2-1 go," in an android voice, and I appreciate the automaton approach. Rather than your American-style cheerleader stuff, this feels more like strapping yourself into a mediocre theme-park ride, one indifferent to your ruminations on your belly fat. 4-3-2-1 go. Just go.

We're going! There is a ton of marching in place in this video, and these ladies will shame you with their aptitude in this department. Knees up, hair bouncing, scrunched socks in the air -- [insert dated "militaristic Germans" joke here]. Just go with it.

 They love it!

So we get into some boxy box steps . . . 

. . . some crossing step touches . . . 

. . . pretty much the most basic aerobics moves you could ask for. For beginners, this is great, and for junkies like me, what elevates the proceedings is the music of Herr Bestereimer, which is corny but fabulous, much in the way of the tinselly synthpop of "Rhythmics." If you want a preview, the whole soundtrack is available here. But maybe don't listen to it out of context. Actually, definitely don't listen to it out of context, because it only makes sense when you're doing this:

At the end, you'll be decently sweaty, and the android will say, "Feel good now." You will obey.

There are a bunch of these Viva Fit 'n Fun videos, all free streaming with Amazon Prime, with titles such as "Body Walk" and "Jazz Gym." Try 'em out when you're having a weird day. 

  

The United States of Aerobica

America! 4th of July! Summertime! 

You know what I'm getting at: the Crystal Light National Aerobic Championship, of course!

The Crystal Light National Aerobic Championship is, first and foremost, a blogging bounty of gifts sent  directly to me from YouTube heaven. Second, it's an 80s prime time TV happening that capitalized on the height of the aerobics trend by showcasing the nation's sproingiest, most patriotic and attractive fitness freaks. I've covered it before here, and I'm kind of amazed I haven't posted more, because there's just so much of this:

And I'm far from the only one to notice. Splitsider has this fun interview with Alan Thicke, who got roped into hosting the program. Since the last time I cruised the hallways of the Crystal Light cathedral, the clips seem to have become fodder for lazy-kitschy music videos.

I'm fully on board with this aerobicized fan video for Eddie Murphy's "Party All the Time."

Oh, Crystal Light National Aerobics Championship. You're like that whale carcass from Planet Earth, chilling on the deep sea floor and supporting an entire little ecosystem of bloggy, briny creatures. We'll pick off your detritus of spandexed 1980s television, scavenging it for the nourishment of a Kickstarter page or an art-school video collage, turning the bites into bytes until you've been completely subsumed by the big blue. 

Jane Fonda, Part 1

We've checked out a bunch of celebrity workout videos here at World of Sass, but Jane Fonda is the real deal. She's the urtext. She blazed the trail, showing scores of poor, ignored C-listers that one day, they too might be able to aerobicize their way back to top (of the B-list, at least). There was Barbarella and Nine to Five; there was that whole "Hanoi Jane" thing, which, oof; but for most of humanity, Jane Fonda = workout lady. Her debut offering, Jane Fonda's Workout (1981) exploded its sass all over pop culture, turning home fitness from a burgeoning trend into a "Let's Get Physical" frenzy and becoming the top-grossing home video of its time. She is the prototypical '80s big-hair leotarded sweatmongerer. Her total catalog includes 26 workout videos, and her most recent one was released in 2012. Lady is 75 years old.

Today we're doing part one of a gifsploration of Jane Fonda's NEW Workout (1985). Once I got started making gifs, I quickly went overboard, because the looks and moves in this video are . . . stupendous. Giving me LIFE. I mean, come on:

Turning that visor OUT.

And that's not even the whole outfit. Behold:

Serving hi-cut LSU realness.

Anyway, the video has beginner and advanced levels, and all these are from the beginner's. It's a 35-minute workout with about 10 minutes (not enough) of light-to-moderate cardio and some serious toning work. We start with some light stretches to wake the body up. . . 

love this guy.

He's a big strong man!

I'm afraid I didn't pay much (any) attention to Jane in my gif-making because she's kinda boring for the first half of the video. She's a dece instructor -- though her cuing is always a little behind -- and of course she looks fabulous, but she's pretty blah until the floor exercises start, and then watch out. Suggestive pelvic curls on a mat are for movie stars, it seems. Working up a sweat with some jumping-jack variations? That's yeoman's work, so Jane shifts the focus to adorable Kelly Kapowksi doppelganger Leslie, who breaks into lip-synced song with the rousing "Do It."

Leslie, she's perky. Even though Fonda tries to fool the audience into believing she's actually singing --she tells viewers, "If you can sing along, you know you're breathing correctly!" -- Leslie puts on her button-nosed game face, adjusts the hot-pink ribbon around her softly teased bangs, and sells the shit out of that "Eye of the Tiger" redux. 

There's so much! More! To you than meets the eye. There's so much! More! To you, you're gonna try, she mouths. And once your giggles start to subside, you start thinking, "She's right. There is so much li-ving, li-ving, li-ving, li-ving, living to dooooooooooo!"

I could watch her do this all day.

Then, after making sweet, tiny-waisted Leslie "sing" her song, Fonda has her lead the cardio section -- and I'll be damned if it ain't just good ol' BPM-raising fun. It cycles through pretty much all the basic aerobic moves. . . 

So many leg warmers!

. . . and then brings in some totally silly hoedown stuff that, if you commit to it, will give you the benefits of both aerobic activity and laughing yoga. 

High fives for everyoooooone!

Also, Leslie's hot-pink bottoms have this weird vulva-like thing in the front that flaps around. Somehow I felt this was worth mentioning.

After the aerobic peak, Leslie takes the tempo down and sings "Do It" again. From there on out, it's Fonda's time to shine, which I'll cover in the next chapter of this immensely important anthropological study.