Turbo Jam Fat-Blasting Turbo Time

VIDEO: "Turbo Jam: Fat Blaster" (Beachbody, 2006)
STYLE: Cardio kickboxing with high-intensity intervals
INTENSITY: Low to high
STRUCTURE: Short warm-up and cool-down bookending ~25 mins of dance-inflected cardio kickboxing; four "turbo" intervals; 30 mins total
GIST: Fun, fast, and good for repeat viewing; perfect for days when you're short on time







It occurred to me that I should probably post more straightforward workout video reviews. It can't all be celebrity squat-thrusting and bizarre Slavic odes to Depeche Mode around here. Sometimes you just need a decent workout video to get you through another day of barely not being a lazy slob.

This is Chalene Johnson. She is more than the person jovially grimacing on the cover of this "Turbo Jam Fat Blaster" 30-minute, effective and fun video. She is a "fitness personality" at the helm of a whole little exercise/self-improvement empire that encompasses a gazillion Turbo Jam videos, a kickboxing-class franchise called Turbo Kick, an annual "you go, girl!" retreat called Camp Do More, and probably a bunch of other stuff I don't know about. She's really tan, works a ponytail like Toni Basil in full "Mickey" mode, and knows how to get some calorie burn out of a half hour. 

"Turbo Jam Fat Blaster" seems to be a shorter, more interval-heavy sampler from her longer workouts. It's all the "turbo" sections from her other titles, first done at low intensity and then in "turbo" mode. There's a lot of turboing going on in general, whether you're riding a pony . . .

. . . jumping up in the air like you just do care (about your physical fitness and desire to live a full, sexy, meaningful life) . . . 

. . . or ferociously stamping the ground with both feet, because WE ARE TURBO-TAXING OUR BODIES IN AN AWESOME, HIGH-INTENSITY WAY RIGHT NOW.

This is the first Turbo Jam workout video I've gotten through -- not because they're difficult but because Chalene's turbocharged style -- as seen in a couple other titles I tried -- didn't really get me going. 

That said, I really enjoyed this workout: the choreography is fairly easy but not too easy to pick up and comes at you without any dilly-dally, making it good for repeat viewings. The moves are a fun blend of kickboxing and dancey flair. Chalene is high-energy, but that's the nature of her game, boo. Deal with it, and enjoy the quality sweat sesh.

Also, boobs. Damn near every woman in this video has big ol' fake titties. I guess that's what you do in L.A.

QT with BB

I had quite the festive weekend. There was playing. There was dancing. There was honest-to-god maypole-ing. And there was some impressively indulgent eating and drinking. We're talking gumbo, beer, grits casserole, jello shots, brownies, strawberry pie, apple pie, champagne, whiskey, biscuits and sausage gravy, and caprese salad and buttermilk fried chicken sandwiched between two waffles. Yes. Festival season in south Louisiana is beautiful, beautiful thing. 

At the end of such a weekend, when you have brownie-batter blood and the communication skills of an overtired four-year-old, you need a little QT with BB. "Tae Bo Cardio Circuit 2," available in full on YouTube (above), is a tidy 52 minutes with Billy Blanks, his puffy shorts, and his plainspoken can-do-it-ness. Let's prance a little to get started.

Tae Bo is always good for getting the ol' jalopy running. It's punches and jabs, roundhouse kicks and knee raises -- the usual. This particular video isn't too intense; he intros the moves slowly and for longer than in the advanced workouts. Still, it gets you going with lifted leg crunches like this. . .

. . . and makes you accidentally inhale sweat from laughing when Billy keeps shouting "ARMPIT!" to explain this move.

Yes, the incessant counting is ridiculous, but you learn to tune it out.

And even though Billy's wife gets WAY TOO EXCITED at the end of every exercise, the rest of the class has a nice, genuine enthusiasm and a welcome range of healthy body types.

Thank you, BB! Anytime I've had too much fun at the fair, I'll look to you and your magical red carpet to carry me to Monday.

Uncle Billy's here to show you the way

I'm really happy I found this clip, because Billy Blanks has put out a gazillion Tae Bo titles, but this is the one I started with many years ago and this is the one that finally kicked my easily-winded ass into gear. 

If I remembered the exact title I'd provide it, but I had to throw out my VHS copy a while back because I actually wore it out. Coming from a one-time Thin Mints hoarder and all-around physical activity dodger, that was absurd. I suppose it could have been a coincidental end result of VHS technology or something, but whatever the case, the dishevelment of that tape really did something for my self-esteem back then. It was as if Billy Blanks was telling me, "Hey, look at you! You can move your body around for whole stretches of time without collapsing! You...are ready...for the next level."

This video isn't as extreme as some of his others -- it's only 44 minutes long -- but at the time, that was a blessing. Blanks doesn't dilly-dally with your heart rate; he likes to get it up as soon as (safely) possible and keep it in that target zone you always hear about. If you're a fitness beginner, you will hate him and everyone in that video after 10 minutes -- especially the blonde chick (his (now ex-) wife, I recently found out!) with her practically mechanized abs. But because it's a no-apologies challenge, you'll feel results after just a couple tries and see them soon after. 

It's the most wonderful time of the year

So I'm maybe the only person in the United States who's excited about this, but THE NEW 'PUMP IT UP' IS ALMOST OUT! Check out the preview above.

It's glaringly (and probably creepily) obvious to anyone who's read this blog that I am a Big Fan of Ministry of Sound's "Pump It Up" series. I explained why, in detail, in this post. But to summarize:

- They're long (70-90 minutes), thorough and challenging. No half-assey "20-Minute Solutions!"

- They're entertaining and varied, drawing from dance, aerobics, kickboxing and pilates. To quote myself, again from that post I linked to above: "The workouts are basically structured, aerobicized sassy-dancing in a fantasyland of bright lights and hot bodies wearing impossible outfits."

- They use real music, which is like omgthankyouwhycan'tmorevideosdothis. Even if you don't like LMFAO's "Party rockin in the house tonight" song (I don't, but I can tolerate it) or club music in general, I maintain it's still better than 90% of the crappy muzak used in other videos.

- They are built for a lengthy shelf life. They better be, since they only release one of these suckers a year. Instead of spending gobs of time explaining each move and, in effect, pandering to the audience, the videos keep a swift, fluid pace. It's assumed that you may need to press pause a couple time on your first or second go-round to get the hang of some of the dancier steps, but then once you get it, you don't have to slow down again!

The 2012 installment features the debut of a new instructor, neither Deanne nor Gareth nor that annoying girl from the older ones! (I think I'll have to write about Gareth for my next post; he's too good to keep away from you any longer.) Two of this year's dancers were in prior videos and.... now I'm really starting to sound psychotic. Ok, stopping here! Here's a longer behind-the-scenes preview:

The curious, shiny case of Deanne Berry

VIDEO: "Clubland Work It Out," (2008, Universal Pictures UK)
STYLE: Dance aerobics, dance, kickboxing and toning
INTENSITY: Moderate to difficult
STRUCTURE: 10-minute warm-up; 15 minutes of aerobics; 15-minute dance routine; 15 minutes of kickboxing; 15 minutes of floor exercises; 12-minute cool-down. About 80 minutes total.
GIST: I LOVE THIS WORKOUT. That's it. But it's not available for purchase in the U.S. Wah wah.*

See this creature? Is she the second coming of Xanadu-vintage Olivia Newton-John? A Barbie brought to life?

This, friends, is Deanne Berry, the queen of Clubland. She's a supernova of the sassosphere who burned bright for several thrilling years in the mid- to late-aughts and, after some TV spots and an ill-fated attempt at a recording career, all but disappeared. Where she now roams nobody knows. Intrigue!

Today we're going to be talking about "Clubland Work It Out," which is, in my opinion, Deanne's most solid effort. Like all the Clubland videos, it's not available for purchase in the U.S. *If you buy it off Amazon.co.uk, it won't work on most American DVD players or computers, because it's coded with a different "region." There are ways around this, but they're long and maddening. I don't think I can legally tell you to download it from a file sharing site, but if you don't know how to download it from a file sharing site, you can find most of the workout in the links I provide below.

Ready? Ok!

Like Aphrodite rising from the foam of severed testes cast into the sea, she burst onto the scene a fully-formed workout goddess -- or at least she played one convincingly in the shamelessly lubed-up video for Eric Prydz's "Call On Me."

The video was a crazy gigantic hit across the pond -- one interviewer in a TV spot says she "captured the imagination of the country" -- and even though Berry was just a dancer, not an aerobics instructor, the UK music label Ministry of Sound invited her to host the next in their series of "Pump It Up!" workout videos. THIS IS WHAT DREAMS ARE MADE OF, FOLKS.

So she rustled up some fitness certifications and did just that, bringing her Aussie looks (slammin tanned bod, toothy smile) and dancer's nuance (so much sassy hair-flipping!) to the workout video world. After another title with "Ministry of Sound," she jumped ship and moved over to Clubland, yet another UK house music label with a stake in the fitness video market. (WHY DON'T WE DO THIS IN AMERICA???)

That brings us to "Clubland Work It Out," a dizzyingly ludicrous display of quality dance aerobics, music video fantasizing and a whole lotta ass-cheek. Exhibit A (har har):

"I'm not too good with this one."

VIDEO: "The Jordan Workout," (2 Entertain Video, 2005). Note: This video is only available for purchase in the UK, but the entire thing is on YouTube in six segments. See the video embedded below to get started.)
STYLE: Light cardio kickboxing and standing/floor exercises
INTENSITY: Light
STRUCTURE: Warmup; 15-minute cardio kickboxing segment; 15-minute standing exercise segment; 15-minute floor exercise segment; cool-down
GIST: This isn't a fully realized workout, so don't do it except for a laugh, (total fitness beginners who are also fans of Katie Price excluded).

I was going to cover "The Jordan Workout" as a fun little trifle, then got sucked into hostess/workout slacker Katie Price's whole orbit, then did the entire workout and took notes in order to review it for real, then realized how crappy the workout is and am now writing about it a fun little trifle, but for real. This is the Holly Golightly of workout videos: She's phony; she's real; she's a real phony.

Let me explain. Have you never heard of Katie Price? No? Then you probably don't live in the UK. If you did, you'd know all about this girl's start as a topless model, time as a reality star and political candidate, series of best-selling novels and autobiographies, string of relationships with soccer stars, impregnation by some soccer star, marriage to musician Peter Andre, divorce from Peter Andre, series of children's books called "My Perfect Ponies," marriage to some other dude, divorce from some other dude, and all-around tabloid chumness. (I don't live in the UK. I got all of the above from Wikipedia and my Scottish roommate.)

So why's it called "The Jordan Workout"? Well, Ms. Price went by the single-name Jordan during her early glamour girl days, and still keeps the name around in a Sasha Fierce kind of way. (Both Katie and Jordan, however, seem pretty lame compared to her given name: Katrina Amy Alexandria Alexis Infield. Dayum, that's like an entire litter of Bratz dolls.)

So, the workout: Katie is the first to admit that she's just there for decoration and moral support -- not, like, peppy encouragement, but rather cheerfully whiny empathy. As Katie explains, in her blasé I-just-popped-a-Xanny delivery, she'd "never ever exercised or dieted in her whole life." But after giving birth and getting ready to get married -- "the two major events in a girl's life" -- she called in the big guns to help her "get back in my G-string in record time."

Enter Richard, who seems game and as surprised as anyone to be doing the heavy lifting for Katie in her Barbie Dream House workout world. (The set, a compact cesspool of pink, goes over the top -- I'm looking at you, high heel chair -- yet makes perfect sense.) Richard introduces himself as "the best fitness trainer in the world, apparently." 

Richard is the kind but tough instructor; Katie is the charmingly bratty pupil, a proxy for her target audience at home. Together, they have a disarming screwball chemistry that makes the decent parts of the workout better.