Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Lookin' full, gentlemen.

In honor of DOMA's timely demise last week, here's some raw man meat sourced from the strip-mall GNCs of America.

This video was one of the only fitness selections at my local public library branch. The "" byline on the cover was clue #1 that it maybe didn't need to be shelved under under Health & Fitness. The back cover copy said nothing about the workout but featured short bios of the meatheads: Kyle was the face of American Eagle Outfitters' summer 2007 campaign -- as if anyone could forget it!

Steve has been featured in Men's Health, Details, and Neither Dick Nor Ass Weekly

And so forth.

This title seems to occupy a weird space between workout videos and pornography, one that I knew existed from all the YouTube videos of super-skinny, big-boobied, barely dressed women performing rigorous exercise (a post for another day). This is the male version, and it's one step up from getting your rocks off by flipping through a Hollister catalog. 

There's no nudity -- not even some harmless horsing around, until you get to the DVD bonus feature that shows them play-wrestling. It's just three cut-up dudes with empty thought bubbles floating above them, doing weights. There's barely even instruction. It solves the timeless problem of how to ogle guys at the gym without having to actually work out. It looks like it was made on a camera phone.

After telling his brosephs what they'll be doing in the gym today (spoiler alert: weights), Kyle leads the group in a self-conscious shedding of shirts. It's all very "no big deal; just another day looking this good." And then, I kid you not, Kyle gives his comrades the merest glance in each direction, nods his head and says, "Lookin' full, gentlemen. Loo-king full."

It's low-grade erotica or "body inspiration," depending on where you are vis-a-vis the closet. And if the flexing and huffing and puffing in gym shorts isn't enough of either for you, Amazon recommends graduating to the full monty: 

Happy Pride!

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