Ah, if only this were real. It's a parody of Susan Powter's original workout video, made by Nagi Noda for Panasonic for the 2004 Summer Olympics in Athens. Why? Why ask why? Real or fake, the world is weirder with it around.
I tried to find a clip of the Powter workout, but she has either a busy legal team or a dearth of tech-savvy fans. I did, however, come upon this:
That's pretty much how I felt the first time I tried Billy Blanks' Tae Bo Advanced.
Speaking of Susan Powter, I never thought I'd have a use for this other than my own awed amusement, but I found her cookbook, "C'mon America, LET'S EAT!" in my parents' attic a while ago and oh my lord is it CRAY. Here's the start of the introduction, verbatim:
There's a big celebration going on, and I need your help. We're talking party. Big, big bang of a festival. This fire work-able splash isn't happening outside by the pool, next to the barbecue grill, or in any ballpark you've ever visited, and you won't find anybody there in formals or costumes. This celebration takes place right here in the pages of this book.
Do you wanna know what we're celebrating and what the heck any of it has to do with you, food, cooking, and me wearing a fifties waitress outfit on the cover??????
Not to worry, my friends. I have the answers for ya: AMERICA.
Celebrating America, that's what we're doing. Celebrating America by highlighting, featuring, starring American food. It's a damn good way to get you some great information that's gonna make your life a whole lot easier and your thighs a whole lot thinner. You get to come to a celebration within a celebration, my own little party.
Not making an ounce of sense? Don't worry, it will. Why am I celebrating? Sure, things have been going well over the last couple of years (a few problems here and there, but nothing to complain about), but that's not the reason for the party in a book.
Am I celebrating because I'm just in the mood to celebrate? NOOOOOOOOO. Here's a hint:
America is the star of this book . . . The national anthem keeps playing with every word typed . . . There's a courtroom involved. (My lawyers are rubbing their hands together now. Back down, boys and girls! This doesn't involve you.) . . . There's a small test involved of which AMERICAN history is the focus . . . A point behind the American motif . . . A connection between apple pie and me . . .
YOU GUESSED IT: I AM SHOOTING FOR CITIZENSHIP.
Come on, MY FELLOW AMERICANS, let me in. I'm trying to become one of you. I thought one of the best ways to do that was to write a tribute to American food, as an almost American citizen . . . because I really want to be one.It's kind of charming, isn't it? Golly gee, she really wants to be an American. Too bad her recipes turn bad-for-you American food like pizza and burgers into inedible, potentially toxic non-food by calling for fat-free cheese, which I don't think even exists anymore, and fat-free salad dressings, which are basically Satan's jiz. And on and on and on. The fat-free, chemically engineered ingredients are on every single page. Oh, '90s.
Happy weekend! Eat some fatty real food, then turn into a free-jazz fitness demon and work it all off.