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Friday, January 13, 2012

Get your nails done, put on a onesie, stroke your belly, take a nap.


When I heard from a tipster that Marie Osmond has a workout video, my snarkal cortex started humming: Republican primaries! Mitt Romney! Mormons! Timeliness! But then I saw a clip of it -- "Marie Osmond: Exercises for Mothers-To-Be" -- and it was four minutes of magic.


I love this video so. much. It says, "I'm pregnant and I'm floating on a cloud of contentedness and motherly love, but I also want a pastel-rainbow room with my name in giant cursive letters where I can wear onesies and talk to my fetus and take naps." I'm sure there are plenty chicks out there for whom that's like "omg BARF" and that is a-ok (choice trumps!), but srsly -- a "ME N MAH BOO" room?  Judging by the recent trend in feministy gals coming out of the closet about their love of Mormon mommy blogs (guilty), I don't think I'm the alone here in feeling, deep down, "gimme."

Moving on. There is so much to cover. Ok, so the music is amazing, most especially at :40 when the camera zooms out to reveal her mustard-colored maternity jumpsuit and the music swells as if to say YOU GUYS THIS LADY IS CREATING ANOTHER HUMAN BEING AS WE SPEAK AND CAN WE JUST MARVEL AS SHE WALKS DOWN THOSE STEPS?? 

"Hi, I'm Marie Osmond and I'm basically Mother Earth incarnate right now. You might be in the same 
way too, which so very exciting! Yay us. Like my sassy blazer? Well it's not actually a blazer..."


"Ta-da!" 

The video inspired "Marie's Mother and Baby Exercise Book," which was actually written by Elizabeth Noble, a respected physiotherapist who specializes in holistic prenatal care. Noble's exercises inform Marie's video, which has nothing to do with baby weight or stretch marks and more in the vein of good old touchy-feely "being in harmony with your body." Which is great! I've never been pregnant, but I know it must feel bonkers and terrifying at times, what with a living creature taking your food, scrambling your hormones and doing god knows what else. So! Sometimes, Marie says, you just need to put on some comfy clothes and have a sit-down with young'un. 

But get your nails done first, so that they'll look fabulous when you do this first exercise, which Marie says relaxes the eye muscles and eases sinus congestion: 


Then you sit like a tailor and stroke your belly, imagining "your baby floating...floating inside you. Imagine seeing it as a boy...or as a girl. What do you think that your baby's feeling right now? Tune into your baby's mood."

Notice the dream-like haze around the frame. Is this really happening to me? Yes. Yes it is.

Then it's nap time. You're basically meditating on how grand gestation really is, which, when it comes down to it, is a pretty unimpeachable sentiment.

3 comments:

  1. Ok, 3 things:

    1. Those nails are amazing and terrifying all at once!
    2. That floor looks like its a tempur-pedic bed, I wonder how much it would cost to furnish my apartment with this floor!
    3. Her hair holds its shape amazingly, even when napping, hairspray has really gone downhill these past few decades.

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  2. Thanks @neimanmarxist! Lizzard, THE NAILS. You can't look at them too long or you enter a trance state.

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