Jessica Smith, "Ballet Burn" and How I Lost My Fear of YouTube Workouts

So maybe YouTube fitness vlogs aren't so incomprehensible? I'm way behind the times on seeking out these free online offerings -- too busy using YouTube to chase clips of existing DVDs and (the real treasure) VHS tapes. Case in point: when I was craving a ballet class the other day but wouldn't have been able to get to one in time, I started googling for a free barre soundtrack, which I think is a thing? I know they have these CDs for ballet classes but I guess you're supposed to have an actual teacher giving you the combinations. Anyway, instead I found something far more useful but comparably effective as a workout.

"Ballet Burn," available in full above, is one of many workout videos by YouTube fitness maven Jessica Smith. Clocking in at just under an hour, it's perfect for anyone who wants ballet-style conditioning. You're not going to get much in the way of traditional ballet instruction, but she gives clear, concise information for each exercise as well as overall basic technique.

I like this chick's style: no forced perkiness, no shouting or babbling, no hamming it up for the camera. She's competent and casual, like working out with your fitness-instructor friend who is also a gentle shut-in and can't share her gift in public because of crippling social anxiety from that terrible freak kettleball accident 10 years ago. Only with you and her French bulldog there can she leave those memories behind and find an outlet for the passion that not so much rages but burbles inside her.

The routine starts off with some balletic cardio and goes through a series of leg lift variations, arm/leg combos, plié variations, and stretches. She finds interesting and fun ways to incorporate tendus, dégagés, battements, arabesques, and ports de bras. Her ports de bras exercises in particular are fantastic, as she brings in 3-lb hand weights to condition the arms as they go through first, second and fifth positions. My biceps were so sore the next day, but adding the extra weight really helped me focus on keeping my core stable while giving my arms full range of motion.

Speaking of soreness, DAT ASS. If you're up on your PureBarre or Callanetics, you'll probably have an easier time than I did with the glute-heavy stuff. I can do squats and pliés all the livelong day, but bring in stuff that works the gluteus medius (lesser-known glute that sits on the top and side of each butt-check) and I'm cursing the world in short order. The first time I did this video, my butt basically gave out near the end. Was like "nope, no thank you, not gonna do it and you can't make me." 


But(t)! I'm glad I found my way to Jessica's neatly appointed living room. I'll definitely be trying some of her other videos, and who knows -- I may even venture further into the YouTube fitness frontier.

Richard Simmons, Rebooted

Watch out, world! Richard Simmons is comin for yer youngs. Not content to occupy a cozy, largely untouched but small niche in the pop culture landscape for decades, Richard Simmons is angling for a viral revival. He's got a youth-oriented branding consultant plugging him into the world of YouTube fitness vlogs -- a home-fitness genre I view with fascination and an odd sense of dread, as damp and impenetrable as the rainforest in Aguirre, Wrath of God. (Wow, that description jumped off the subtlety cliff quickly.)

Well good for him. The man is nothing if not enthusiastic and game for anything, even allowing his 65-year-old, short-shorted frame to be plunked down in what looks and sounds like a Ministry of Sound video. Based on the clip, it seems to involve him shouting with a mixture of encouragement and panic.

Anyway, I've got my eye on you, Workout Wednesdays. I've never done a full Richard Simmons video, which is highly negligible of me. I've reordered my Netflix queue to remedy that. In the meantime, here's this promo video Simmons did with the gentle-hearted ADD kids over at Buzzfeed. Who knew he had such a fierce bitch-face?

Turbo Jam Fat-Blasting Turbo Time

VIDEO: "Turbo Jam: Fat Blaster" (Beachbody, 2006)
STYLE: Cardio kickboxing with high-intensity intervals
INTENSITY: Low to high
STRUCTURE: Short warm-up and cool-down bookending ~25 mins of dance-inflected cardio kickboxing; four "turbo" intervals; 30 mins total
GIST: Fun, fast, and good for repeat viewing; perfect for days when you're short on time







It occurred to me that I should probably post more straightforward workout video reviews. It can't all be celebrity squat-thrusting and bizarre Slavic odes to Depeche Mode around here. Sometimes you just need a decent workout video to get you through another day of barely not being a lazy slob.

This is Chalene Johnson. She is more than the person jovially grimacing on the cover of this "Turbo Jam Fat Blaster" 30-minute, effective and fun video. She is a "fitness personality" at the helm of a whole little exercise/self-improvement empire that encompasses a gazillion Turbo Jam videos, a kickboxing-class franchise called Turbo Kick, an annual "you go, girl!" retreat called Camp Do More, and probably a bunch of other stuff I don't know about. She's really tan, works a ponytail like Toni Basil in full "Mickey" mode, and knows how to get some calorie burn out of a half hour. 

"Turbo Jam Fat Blaster" seems to be a shorter, more interval-heavy sampler from her longer workouts. It's all the "turbo" sections from her other titles, first done at low intensity and then in "turbo" mode. There's a lot of turboing going on in general, whether you're riding a pony . . .

. . . jumping up in the air like you just do care (about your physical fitness and desire to live a full, sexy, meaningful life) . . . 

. . . or ferociously stamping the ground with both feet, because WE ARE TURBO-TAXING OUR BODIES IN AN AWESOME, HIGH-INTENSITY WAY RIGHT NOW.

This is the first Turbo Jam workout video I've gotten through -- not because they're difficult but because Chalene's turbocharged style -- as seen in a couple other titles I tried -- didn't really get me going. 

That said, I really enjoyed this workout: the choreography is fairly easy but not too easy to pick up and comes at you without any dilly-dally, making it good for repeat viewings. The moves are a fun blend of kickboxing and dancey flair. Chalene is high-energy, but that's the nature of her game, boo. Deal with it, and enjoy the quality sweat sesh.

Also, boobs. Damn near every woman in this video has big ol' fake titties. I guess that's what you do in L.A.

Estelle Getty: "a peanut who's determined not to get any smaller."

This really needs no introduction or explanation, except to say that it's almost my recently departed grandma's birthday. She made nearly 92 years and stayed young at heart for all of them. I miss her.

PS - Be sure to hold out for the part where she brings in her trainer, a "full-time French hunk," and they exchange mutual affection thusly:

     "Estelle, you're my inspiration."

     "Oh please, I could live inside one your thighs."

The United States of Aerobica

America! 4th of July! Summertime! 

You know what I'm getting at: the Crystal Light National Aerobic Championship, of course!

The Crystal Light National Aerobic Championship is, first and foremost, a blogging bounty of gifts sent  directly to me from YouTube heaven. Second, it's an 80s prime time TV happening that capitalized on the height of the aerobics trend by showcasing the nation's sproingiest, most patriotic and attractive fitness freaks. I've covered it before here, and I'm kind of amazed I haven't posted more, because there's just so much of this:

And I'm far from the only one to notice. Splitsider has this fun interview with Alan Thicke, who got roped into hosting the program. Since the last time I cruised the hallways of the Crystal Light cathedral, the clips seem to have become fodder for lazy-kitschy music videos.

I'm fully on board with this aerobicized fan video for Eddie Murphy's "Party All the Time."

Oh, Crystal Light National Aerobics Championship. You're like that whale carcass from Planet Earth, chilling on the deep sea floor and supporting an entire little ecosystem of bloggy, briny creatures. We'll pick off your detritus of spandexed 1980s television, scavenging it for the nourishment of a Kickstarter page or an art-school video collage, turning the bites into bytes until you've been completely subsumed by the big blue. 

Lookin' full, gentlemen.

In honor of DOMA's timely demise last week, here's some raw man meat sourced from the strip-mall GNCs of America.

This video was one of the only fitness selections at my local public library branch. The "AllAmericanGuys.com" byline on the cover was clue #1 that it maybe didn't need to be shelved under under Health & Fitness. The back cover copy said nothing about the workout but featured short bios of the meatheads: Kyle was the face of American Eagle Outfitters' summer 2007 campaign -- as if anyone could forget it!

Steve has been featured in Men's Health, Details, and Neither Dick Nor Ass Weekly. 

And so forth.

This title seems to occupy a weird space between workout videos and pornography, one that I knew existed from all the YouTube videos of super-skinny, big-boobied, barely dressed women performing rigorous exercise (a post for another day). This is the male version, and it's one step up from getting your rocks off by flipping through a Hollister catalog. 

There's no nudity -- not even some harmless horsing around, until you get to the DVD bonus feature that shows them play-wrestling. It's just three cut-up dudes with empty thought bubbles floating above them, doing weights. There's barely even instruction. It solves the timeless problem of how to ogle guys at the gym without having to actually work out. It looks like it was made on a camera phone.

After telling his brosephs what they'll be doing in the gym today (spoiler alert: weights), Kyle leads the group in a self-conscious shedding of shirts. It's all very "no big deal; just another day looking this good." And then, I kid you not, Kyle gives his comrades the merest glance in each direction, nods his head and says, "Lookin' full, gentlemen. Loo-king full."

It's low-grade erotica or "body inspiration," depending on where you are vis-a-vis the closet. And if the flexing and huffing and puffing in gym shorts isn't enough of either for you, Amazon recommends graduating to the full monty: 

Happy Pride!

Strangelove

Not a workout video, but definitely some of the strangest sass I have seen this year. 

So I'm really into Depeche Mode right now. Like full-on. Reading the magazine profiles; combing through the back catalog; having to stop myself from posting Depeche Mode-related status updates on Facebook; buying tickets to their concert that is five hours away and on a Wednesday, meaning I'll be taking off work and building a small vacation around going to see them. It's kind of nice and throwback-ish to be this into a band again?

There's a whole world of YouTube choreography videos out there, and I figured there'd be tons and tons of Depeche Mode choreo for me to feast upon. I was wrong. Aside from a few contemporary combinations set to "Enjoy the Silence" or "Personal Jesus," there are mostly odds and ends -- which is where this Russian or Ukrainian student performance, set to a medley of DM songs, comes in.

There's a lot to take in here, but mostly I need to discuss the outfits. I do not understand the costuming choices here at all. I guess I understand the desire to shake up the standard Depeche Mode style wheelhouse of black, leather, mesh, more black, and a bloody crucifix thrown in for flavor. But Medieval tights and tunics + Hanna Barbera-esque headwear . . . I'm not getting it.

Here's a look drawn from Bourbon Street gift shops:

Here's a little giantess who is also an executioner:

And this girl is werking the hell out of her purple headdress (I just learned that it's called an escoffion. Neato!):

Sorry/not sorry for the digression. Eastern European sassy dance weirdness is catnip to me. I get a little taste and then I'm squirming around on the floor for an hour.