"Rhythmics" goes to Club Med

MOPE. Ha.

Alright, now that there's been some passably substantial posts around here, I can get back to what really matters: celebrating old Russian TV workouts! 

Yes, we are returning to "Rhythmics," light of my life and holy beacon of sass. 

Today, we're going to beach! 

The setting is a coastal Club Med-type spot, and we open in a discotheque with a DJ who is single-handedly keeping the international "Kung Fu Fighting" wave of the mid-'70s alive.

Watching him kick off the proceedings with great pomp up in his booth with his totally-ignored, probably-doing-all-the-work sidekick gets me every time.

Our presenter for this edition is saddled with an unfortunate hairdo and a scrolldown-fug romper, but what she lacks in sartorial grace she more than makes up for with attitude.

Watch her stop in the name of love with this hip-shaking warm-up move:

I hadn't done this one in a while -- I blame you, unflattering romper bottom -- but I pulled it up this morning, feeling very creaky from what turns out to have been a cold. By the time I got to this Marcia Brady move, though, I was all in:

After the disco warm-up it's time for some light jogging around the resort. The outfit situation improves immediately, and DJ Ninja gets to sing his big aerobic anthem. 

I love this part so. much. There are jump cuts to gnarly water sports, underwater chaise lounging, triumphant DJ fist pumping, and so much more.

They're playing chess (srsly).

Best possible non-emergency use of an exterior staircase

Even this total rando eating lunch gets a few seconds of screen time!

Then we settle in by the sea for some more dynamic stretching and beach-blanket ab work. It's good stuff! Just DON'T push yourself beyond your flexibility; these ladies are on another plane of mobility. If I'm shaky on a combination, I slow it down to a more reasonable pace.

 Yeah at this point I'm basically perving on these gals but I CAN'T STOP.

The floor exercises are very Malibu Barbie, like so . . . 

. . . but they're actually quality ab work! Plus, you get to revert to your nine-old-self pretending to be a mermaid splashing on a rock with waves crashing around you. 

Check out the girl on the sailboat, like la la laaaaa, kickin' it on this dude's boat...

 Once mermaid time is over, we get our lovely moments of zen, down by the seaside.

 Just some light synchro swimming

They really enjoy their back bends in this one. Prepare to feel very not-bendy.

And I'm out! "Rhythmics," you never disappoint.

"Rhythmics" Mood Board

So, "Rhythmics" continues to be the best thing ever in all the world of sass. I feel cosmically bonded to it.

I still work out to it from time to time, even though some of the moves rely on such a crazy level of flexibility that I overshoot it and wind up with a knotty back or a janky leg. I don't care.

But "Rhythmics" is about so much more than the choreography. It is an experience for all senses—

sets filled with giant flowers, ribbon drapes, and luminescent bubbles . . . 

interesting staging . . . 

(seriously, look at these artful arrangements of bods; somebody loved this job) . . . 

mood ring lighting . . . 

 and harmonica-kissed krautrock to butt exercises like this.

I return to this enchanted, golden temple when I need inspiration and understanding.

These fancy side plankers know what I'm talking about. 

Gathering these pixelated jewels is like making a mood board . . .

or collecting cool beetles.

It gives me a sense of order in the world . . . 

and renewed faith in mankind.

"Rhythmics" is my lucky star.

 The end.

Strangelove

Not a workout video, but definitely some of the strangest sass I have seen this year. 

So I'm really into Depeche Mode right now. Like full-on. Reading the magazine profiles; combing through the back catalog; having to stop myself from posting Depeche Mode-related status updates on Facebook; buying tickets to their concert that is five hours away and on a Wednesday, meaning I'll be taking off work and building a small vacation around going to see them. It's kind of nice and throwback-ish to be this into a band again?

There's a whole world of YouTube choreography videos out there, and I figured there'd be tons and tons of Depeche Mode choreo for me to feast upon. I was wrong. Aside from a few contemporary combinations set to "Enjoy the Silence" or "Personal Jesus," there are mostly odds and ends -- which is where this Russian or Ukrainian student performance, set to a medley of DM songs, comes in.

There's a lot to take in here, but mostly I need to discuss the outfits. I do not understand the costuming choices here at all. I guess I understand the desire to shake up the standard Depeche Mode style wheelhouse of black, leather, mesh, more black, and a bloody crucifix thrown in for flavor. But Medieval tights and tunics + Hanna Barbera-esque headwear . . . I'm not getting it.

Here's a look drawn from Bourbon Street gift shops:

Here's a little giantess who is also an executioner:

And this girl is werking the hell out of her purple headdress (I just learned that it's called an escoffion. Neato!):

Sorry/not sorry for the digression. Eastern European sassy dance weirdness is catnip to me. I get a little taste and then I'm squirming around on the floor for an hour. 

Again with the "Rhythmics" love?

YES, dear readers. I can't stop. I've been doing "Ритмика" (still trying to figure out how to pronounce it -- any Russian speakers out there?) every day this week. It's freaking fantastic. I've explained why before, here and here, but mostly it just came out like WEWWHWE;H;NACNAC OMG OMG OMGOMG LOVE!!!!!!


Instead of trying again (and inevitably failing) to capture its essence, today I'll focus on the majestical art direction on this show. However chintzy some of the episodes end up looking, the people behind this show knew how to take a couple lean bodies, put them in nature or against a weird conceptual set, and produce some HUMAN BODY HIGH DRAMA. Behold:

Isn't that last one beautiful? Way to turn an ugly-carpeted studio into a perfect picture of post-workout serenity. It doesn't hurt that the dancers are flawless specimens who probably spent their adolescence hyperextending their limbs in rhythmic gymnastics training camps. But they went through all that just so we could feel behooved to work out. How 'bout that!


Oh, and the GIFs. THE GIFs, PEOPLE. They're ripe for the picking. I'll have a fresh basket of 'em next time we take a ramble through "Ритмика." I know you can't wait.

World of Ритмика

What is there to say about this other than noises I'm insufficient in expressing onomatopoetically? 

"Rhymics," or "Ритмика," the Soviet Russian half-hour TV fitness program I first examined here, has become a part of me. Since Friday, I have spent several hours with this show, maybe 40% actually doing it and the rest just watching in awe. Of THINGS LIKE THIS:

I almost can't handle it, you guys. So much going on here that's cranking my gears: krautrocky electropop, lithe n' limber ballerina bodies with perfect carriage and insanely innate-looking epaulement, cry-worthy workoutfits, every kind of set known to man, ballet-meets-b-boy (or meets Russian folk dance, or meets military training) choreography, collector-geek cred, delightful weirdness and, dare I say, sex appeal. I mean --