LELE 'UWEHEEEEE!

VIDEO: "Island Girl Dance Fitness Workout: Cardio Hula," (Goldhil, 2004)

STYLE: Hula dance for beginners
INTENSITY: Mild to moderate
STRUCTURE: 35 min. total; 5-min. warm-up and cool-down; 25 minutes cardio/toning through short combinations that introduce and build on basic steps.
GIST: Nice mommy-n-me workout; relaxing; cardio value is mild, but it's great for working on core strength. Major caveat: there's no real explanation of proper technique, which is crucial to getting any good out of this video.

Here's a nice little workout that probably won't change your life, but is perfect for doing with your mom on a weekend visit home, just after pedicure time and right before cocktail hour. 

My mom loves Hawaii -- who doesn't? -- but does not love exercise videos. She prefers clear and present motivation, like a dog to walk or a flesh-and-blood instructor to follow. So on my trip home for Easter, I was interested to see if this "Island Girl" hula workout would float her boat. 

At a compact 35 minutes and devoid of any music that encourages fist-pumping, it got mom on board, but it was grounded heavily enough in the lower abdominals to give me a clear focus and challenge. Nearly every movement is done in a half-squat, with knees bent and center of gravity lowered. Instructor Kili adds deeper pliés and lunges to get the thighs working, but even the simplest movements, such as a side-to-side step, remain in that half-chair pose.

And that's where my main criticism of the video resides: Kili is a nicely laidback instructor, but she does not communicate the importance of posture and technique in keeping that basic pose, which is the foundation for practically every movement in the video. She should have explained how to brace the pelvic floor and lower abs while keeping the chest lifted, rather than simply bending one's knees. My mom, who's not as familiar with core training, said she had mild shin splints by the end of the video, because she was transferring her weight toward the front onto her knees, rather than back and down, into her heels and pelvic floor. A thorough explanation of the proper technique at the beginning of the workout could have helped prevent that from happening.

With that said, though, this video is enjoyable and incredibly relaxing. It has a serene, gorgeous setting and gentle music that's neither intrusive nor boring. Add to that a refrain of core-powered hip swaying, which instructor Kili describes quite literally as "the motion of the ocean," and it's the closest you can come to napping in a hammock while working out.

The movements are all fairly simple, such as mildly stylized torso twists and tendus, but a couple were tricky enough to send me and my mom giggling at our efforts -- namely, lele 'uwehe, a combination of a tendu and a twerk that Kili seemed to relish cuing with a gleeful "Lele 'uweheeee!" (That's definitely not as fun to read or write than it is to say out loud, so you'll have to try it on your own.)

By the end of the video, I felt warm and glowy and firmed-up in the tummy. My mom felt worked-out and ready for a shower and a margarita. Did Island Girl change her opinion of workout videos? Not much, she said, but that's ok -- I'm interested enough for the both of us. 

Sass Wasteland

On this Good Friday/first night of Pesach, I wanted to keep it simple with something truly bad and pass over-able. Naturally, I turned to the fiery manic chasm that is Judi Sheppard Missett, founder and star of Jazzercize and its videos. If Judi Sheppard Missett were a drink, she'd be everclear and diet Red Bull, and if the above clip were a method of ingestion, it'd be those booze tampons the olds kept freaking out about a couple years ago. 

The maker of this clip is TV Carnage, the pop culture wasteland decoupage trolls responsible for keeping you slack-jawed and glued to your hip dive bar's TV at three in the morning. I checked out their website, and what do you know, they recently released their first volume dedicated to workout videos. 

STARS ALIGNING! Here's another preview:

"Ever hear of aerobics?" Smooth.

I'm almost afraid to order the whole volume. It contains multitudes. The Judi Sheppard Missett alone is enough to work you over like a Lars Von Trier film in miniature. I've only recently begun seriously scanning for odd workouts on VHS -- still working on the analog-to-digital transfer stuff; it's more than my poor laptop can handle -- but I always suspected there lurked in charity store bins across the nation untold expanses of workout video detritus. Glad this important anthropological work exists and is enriching the record of human existence.

PS - If you want to further understand the raw unyieldingness of Judi Sheppard Missett, Google image search her name. The eyes...

Sass N Ass Down Under

You ready for some meta-sass realness? I wasn't. But here it is. 

I was looking for a clip, any clip, of this other Ministry of Sound video I want to review, and I came across this totally endearing video of four girls, 2 tween + 2 passing-for-18, doing the Deanne Berry classic "Pump It Up: Ultimate Dance Workout." They sound Australian, so let's just say they're Australian. And what they have created is something of a rarity, even for the Internet: a video of people working out to a workout video. Boom. (There are lots of videos of people doing the P90X series, but I consider those separate from this, because P90X actively encourages user imitation videos. It's all part of their bag, plus it gives them a trove of content to mine for infomercials. Shrewd move, P90X.)

This, though, is pure. These girls are just OWNING this whole "girls' night" (and/or babysitting?) workout party in a way that makes me want to melt with them. I, too, understand the need for a bit of theatricality and lady-friend compatriots. My friends and I had weekly "Sass N Ass" workout-video sessions for a hot minute, and I've been saved many times from the clutches of end-of-the-workday entropy by a friend down for buddy-buddy fit time. 

And the costumes! Sometimes, in order to move one's ponderous ass around at high bpm, you need that extra boost that only a fierce workoutfit can bring. The two younger girls on the right look age-appropriate in their little pleated skirts and awkward stances, while the Fast Times hot girls on the left are turning out the exact look Deanne and her dancers sport in the real video. That, my friends, is what's up. 

And they filmed it all and stuck it up on the internet! With an adorable DIY title card for each segment, even! 

Women are programmed to be hypercritical of their bodies, and women's gyms often market male-free or even mirror-free environments (::cough cough:: Curves) to create a safe space free of judgment -- ostensibly from others, but really from one's self. These Aussie lasses don't. give. a. what. They probably finished their workout, got cleaned up, ordered a pizza, watched their shits-n-giggles video and were like, omg we're such dorks but we're also awesome? so why the hell not, let's show it to the WORLD! 

And now I'm blogging about it. Once they find this and we get in touch and become pen pals and make a collaborative bi-hemispheral meta-sass video together, the circle will be complete and another internet angel will get its wings. 

World of Ритмика

What is there to say about this other than noises I'm insufficient in expressing onomatopoetically? 

"Rhymics," or "Ритмика," the Soviet Russian half-hour TV fitness program I first examined here, has become a part of me. Since Friday, I have spent several hours with this show, maybe 40% actually doing it and the rest just watching in awe. Of THINGS LIKE THIS:

I almost can't handle it, you guys. So much going on here that's cranking my gears: krautrocky electropop, lithe n' limber ballerina bodies with perfect carriage and insanely innate-looking epaulement, cry-worthy workoutfits, every kind of set known to man, ballet-meets-b-boy (or meets Russian folk dance, or meets military training) choreography, collector-geek cred, delightful weirdness and, dare I say, sex appeal. I mean --

Come on, everybody, LET'S MOUSERCIZE!!!

I had com-plete-ly forgotten about this show until a friend sent me a reminder, via this delectable Retronaut roundup of early '80s fitness LPs. (Thank you, Darren!) I remember seeing the odd occasional promo for the half-hour kids' fitness show on the Disney Channel, but it only aired at an hour that was ungodly for me even at age 7, like 6 a.m. or something. Maybe Disney execs figured the most hyper kids would be awake then? Beats me.

Anyway, I don't think I ever caught more than the last 5 minutes of "Mousercize," but it intrigued me even then. Working out with Mickey Mouse? Would the exercises be mouse-like in any real way? Would they be based on scenes from Disney films? Perhaps some housecleaning-type action like Snow White during "Whistle While You Work"? Or maybe some waltzing like Sleeping Beauty during "Once Upon a Dream"? Or some light parkour a la the opening number in Aladdin? These were the secrets The Disney Channel kept for the 6 a.m. hour, it seemed.

Before we move on, can we just get an Amen for this hostess lady's workoutfit? Because seriously.

WORRRRRK

So apparently Mickey and Minnie make an appearance during the earliest part of the warm-up, figurehead-like, and then check out when the real work starts. Whatever, they're old. 

The warm-up includes mousey activities like "looking for cheese" and "finding some cheese" and "nibbling on the cheese." The presenter lady (I just Wiki'd her name: It's Kellyn Plasschaert) has a tendency to shout, but maybe some kids like that? I don't think this girl appreciated it:

After the warm-up come the JAMS, the first of which starts off like a rip-off of Toni Basil's "Mickey," which would have been appropriate enough, but I guess early Disney Channel couldn't spring for the rights, so they rehashed it into a Mousercize song. Kellyn takes the kids through moves like the Pony, the Twist and whatever it's called when you act like you're swimming while holding your nose -- all stuff any wee sugar addict would love early in the morning. 

Then, Donald Duck stops by to show all the young ones that, as the song says, "Ducks Dance Too." And how! It's pretty freaking amazing. Apparently, ducks dance something very similar to The Freddie from Troop Beverly Hills. The Freddie! Forgot about that, too.

It all gets sillier and more frantic, almost frighteningly so when Donald lays down a legit quack attack at the height of his number. But hey, no one said getting kids' willies out was easy or soothing.

I do object to this lady tryna get kids to do crunches. Kids do plenty of crunches all by theyselves without realizing it. Try to get them to think about it, and they'll do just like the poor girl in the purple leotard who jerks her neck up with her hands in a most unsafe manner. Don't project your core-strengthening issues onto innocent children, Kellyn!

At the end, we get to see a little skit where Goofy attempts, as he always does, to go swimming. Poor Goofy. Always getting bottom billing and bad jokes. (Towel boy to Goofy: "Goofy, I'm throwin' in the towel.")

I'm so happy to finally get to see an entire episode of "Mousercize." Maybe I'll go totally full circle, don my most '80s-looking leotard and some pigtails and actually, sincerely Mousercize. You can be damn sure I'ma do the Freddie. 

Insert Burning Man joke here.

Aren't trance states weird and creepy and awesome? I think so. But that doesn't mean I'm totally sold on this video, "Yoga Trance Dance." I'm not about to tell anyone to not get all free n shit in their dance exercise, but there's something odd about a video that asks you to watch people dance like nobody's watching while you yourself dance like nobody's watching, amirite? Perhaps that's why the audiobook version seems to be a bigger seller. Anyway, blah blah hippies blah blah acid trip blah. Here's a GIF of some fun-loving folks just trying to get their spiritual groove on:

They're lovin it! And the music's not, like, offensive, unless you categorically hate worldbeat fusion stuff. Hell, I hate that I just typed "worldbeat fusion stuff," but I also purchased and loved and eventually lost and still sometimes think about this Afro Celt Sound System album. When it works, it works.

So yeah, if this particular tribe doesn't make you wanna be part of their world, that's understandable. But as the exquisite and often terrifying choreographer Pina Bausch illustrated through her entire career, it's that life is a kind of trance state in and of itself, so you may as well tune into your body unfettered by the burden of self-consciousness once in a while. You may be surprised by what comes out. 

(Also, go see the new film about Bausch, called "Pina." It's in 3D, it's astounding, and it'll make you dance with your eyes closed.) Happy weekend!

"When in doubt, strut it out."

Time to practice more GIFs! And what better way to do so than with my favorite over-the-top gay fairy godmother, Gareth Walker of Ministry of Sound fame.

Let me tell you a bit about Gareth. He appears in only a couple Ministry of Sound* titles, but he's been the choreographer for all or almost all of them. He is a fag hag's dream, or at least that's the persona he smartly adopts for his MOS workouts, which are largely targeted toward the 18-35 club girl set. His early titles, like "Pump It Up Dancemix," are totally ridiculous in their non-functional short skirt insistence on SEXINESS AT ALL TIMES!!! and a lot of the choreography is just a jumble of hair flips, chest pumps and hip wiggles. Sometimes I don't feel interested in playing his game at all, but sometimes it makes me feel fun and free in a delusionoid-pyscho-girl way. Here's a gif (GIF? does it have to be capitalized? i wanna look correct.) to illustrate my feelings on this subject:

"When in doubt, strut it out." This applies to MOS workouts as well as life. Gareth speaks the language of the nubile, glitter-lotioned party girl, and all his choreography is presented through the lens of her holy temple, The Club. Dance moves are based around club rituals, which Gareth illustrates with instructions like these: