Sass Wasteland

On this Good Friday/first night of Pesach, I wanted to keep it simple with something truly bad and pass over-able. Naturally, I turned to the fiery manic chasm that is Judi Sheppard Missett, founder and star of Jazzercize and its videos. If Judi Sheppard Missett were a drink, she'd be everclear and diet Red Bull, and if the above clip were a method of ingestion, it'd be those booze tampons the olds kept freaking out about a couple years ago. 

The maker of this clip is TV Carnage, the pop culture wasteland decoupage trolls responsible for keeping you slack-jawed and glued to your hip dive bar's TV at three in the morning. I checked out their website, and what do you know, they recently released their first volume dedicated to workout videos. 

STARS ALIGNING! Here's another preview:

"Ever hear of aerobics?" Smooth.

I'm almost afraid to order the whole volume. It contains multitudes. The Judi Sheppard Missett alone is enough to work you over like a Lars Von Trier film in miniature. I've only recently begun seriously scanning for odd workouts on VHS -- still working on the analog-to-digital transfer stuff; it's more than my poor laptop can handle -- but I always suspected there lurked in charity store bins across the nation untold expanses of workout video detritus. Glad this important anthropological work exists and is enriching the record of human existence.

PS - If you want to further understand the raw unyieldingness of Judi Sheppard Missett, Google image search her name. The eyes...

Hips don't lie. Except when they do.

Between a lingering cold and getting ready for my real-life dance team -- Star-Steppin' Cosmonaughties, hoody-hoooooooo! -- to take the world by storm this Saturday in our first-ever Mardi Gras parade, I have had zero time to do any workout videos. Which sucks, because this one, "The Brazilian Carnival Dance Workout," looks legit in all the right ways -- long, challenging and comprised of actual samba moves you'd likely see during Carnaval. 

Samba is friggin' ARDUOUS. I took a couple classes with a local samba troupe a couple years ago, and it's just a different vocabulary rhythmically, one for which the learning process is, I suspect, like riding a bike -- once you've got it, you've got it, and it's just a matter of going faster faster faster! To say that it works your hips, lower abs, butt and thighs is like saying Mardi Gras is better than a regular Tuesday.  

My own results in that class looked more like an adult pee-pee dance, a tangle of wiggles and jiggles that prompted the teacher to come over and recommend that I take the beginner class next time. Ah well. Check out this loca's outfit!

RIO REALNESS

I love that this chick is meaty and delicious. She is bodied, and I want her to get me bodied. That is all.

So, I got this in the mail today...

It is real, and it is called "Body Flex." I bought this video and its follow-up, "Body Flex II," because a) they cost a total of $8 on Amazon, and b) there seem to be people living in real-life modern times who swear by this series. Consider this review (from the Amazon link above):

You see results almost every week, guaranteed. (In 1998 I lost an inch or more off my upper abs, lowers abs, waist and hips every week. 4+ inches total every week is an awesome result. I went from a 29 inch waist to a 24 inch waist in just 4 weeks.) 

4+ inches every week doesn't seem like "an awesome result" -- it seems frighteningly unhealthy. What about this review:

After 2 pregnancies I got it out and gave it an honest try. I did it 2x per day for 12 weeks and lost a total of 45 inches. I went from a size 24 to a size 16. Unfortunatly [sic] I got pregnant again and had to stop. I gained almost 80 pounds during the last pregnancy, but only went back up to a size 20. I have started again, and I am on my second week and have lost 8 1/2 inches. I have tried everything else, including going to the gym for 2 hours a day, and this has been the only thing that has worked for me. 

There are rules associated with the routine -- has to be done first thing in the morning on an empty stomach -- that may have more to do with its efficacy than the exercises themselves. After all, any amount of mild exercise before breaking the fast will jump-start your metabolism and help you burn more calories throughout the day. But is this backcombed madwoman really on to something? I suppose I'll have to wake up to her crazy ass and grimace into the mirror every day for a while to find out. 

The things I do for you...