Hips don't lie. Except when they do.

Between a lingering cold and getting ready for my real-life dance team -- Star-Steppin' Cosmonaughties, hoody-hoooooooo! -- to take the world by storm this Saturday in our first-ever Mardi Gras parade, I have had zero time to do any workout videos. Which sucks, because this one, "The Brazilian Carnival Dance Workout," looks legit in all the right ways -- long, challenging and comprised of actual samba moves you'd likely see during Carnaval. 

Samba is friggin' ARDUOUS. I took a couple classes with a local samba troupe a couple years ago, and it's just a different vocabulary rhythmically, one for which the learning process is, I suspect, like riding a bike -- once you've got it, you've got it, and it's just a matter of going faster faster faster! To say that it works your hips, lower abs, butt and thighs is like saying Mardi Gras is better than a regular Tuesday.  

My own results in that class looked more like an adult pee-pee dance, a tangle of wiggles and jiggles that prompted the teacher to come over and recommend that I take the beginner class next time. Ah well. Check out this loca's outfit!

RIO REALNESS

I love that this chick is meaty and delicious. She is bodied, and I want her to get me bodied. That is all.

Minnie Mouse goes to Rio

VIDEO: "Dance and Be Fit: Carnaval," (Acacia, 2010)

STYLE: Dance aerobics

INTENSITY: Overall, moderate to somewhat heavy, but can be scaled up or down by the viewer

STRUCTURE: Warm-up, 5 minutes; three cardio segments, 12 minutes each; cool-down, 5 minutes

GIST: Very nearly derailed by awful cuing, but too much fun and too good a cardio workout to not try

So, as promised, I'm gearing up for Mardi Gras by checking out Carnival-themed workouts, and because it's available streaming on Hulu (score!), I started with this offering from the "Dance and Be Fit" series:

If it looks kinda corny, well, it is! Corny-cool. Presenter Kimberly Miguel Mullen is -- sorry, Kimberlys of the world -- very much a Kimberly. She's got an ever-present cheerleader smile and a high-pitched peppy voice that prompted my dad, who was within earshot as I did this video at my parents' house, to ask, "Are you working out with Minnie Mouse?"

But Kimberly brought the goods. I got loose. I laughed frequently. I got sweaty and pumped up, which inspired me to keep pushing and do everything full-out for maximum effect. And, with 36 minutes of continuous cardio (minus the short commercial breaks on the Hulu version), it was good enough for a Saturday's work. Silly + sweaty works for me, especially with moves like these:

Isolated hip circles and pelvic pops with arms outstretched. Great, effective warm-up.  

Running and blasting into a side-kick. "EXPLOOOODE!" Kimberly says. 

I felt these explosions in my butt the next morning.

Baby she will she be your motivation

So, Kelly Rowlands's ab workout looks serious. Like, ow ow ow omg motherf*****CHiagerrgh;[U832 WHEN WILL IT END serious. 

Which is great! It's called "Sexy Abs with Kelly Rowland," part of a "Hollywood Trainer" series that I'm just now realizing exists, and it seems like an Abs of Steel for the Ciara era. (Btw, could Ciara please make a workout video? Like, why has't she already?)

The video was released this past December, and judging from the reviews, it's kicking ass and taking names: 30 minutes, short warm-up and cool-down but otherwise all ab-sculpting agony. And eventually, with practice, ecstasy? 

In a perfect world I'd buy this immediately, add it 3x a week to my Carnival body prep master plan and emerge Mardi Gras Day like some ripped, unhinged lovechild of the Cheshire Cat and an Amazon. In real life...let's shoot for once a week and see what happens?

Here's some behind-the-scenes ish:

In preparation for Bloaty Gras

It's Carnival time! 

In most of the U.S., that means...funnel cake? Tilt-o-whirl? That HBO show?

In New Orleans, it means...

Carnival is the season of Mardi Gras, lasting from Twelfth Night/Epiphany/Three Kings' Day/January 6 until Fat Tuesday, (which is the day before Ash Wednesday, which is the kickoff to Lent, which is when you swear off vices 'til Easter, which is why you have to binge on them ahead of time -- behold, Mardi Gras in its entirety, expertly explained in a parenthetical run-on!). Carnival means king cake (above) and protracted mirth (above above) and drinking a lot, possibly out of someone's bag o' wine teats (above above above). It means Popeyes and so much dancing and naps in random people's houses and glitter all over your house. It means bloating and wearing revealing clothing anyway. 

In Brazil, it means YOU BETTA WORRRK, as this New York Times article illustrates. Because marathon samba dancing in teeny weeny outfits is the order of the day, some folks go through rigorous boot camp-style training in the weeks and months leading up to the five big days of Carnival (Friday through Fat Tuesday).