Hippity hee-haw hoppin'

Yeah, so this was going to end up on here sometime. About a dozen different friends posted this on my Facebook page when it made the rounds of short attention spans everywhere a couple months ago. How gladdening it is to know that when my friends see White People Embarrassing Themselves in a Dated Workout Video, they think of me. #blessed

I didn't slap this up here earlier because a) I gravitate against posting things that have already gone viral -- I'm a hipster/contrarian like that, as detailed in my intrapersonal exploration of Prancercize; and b) it's just too easy. 

The bowl cut . . . 

The bicycle shorts . . . 

The moves . . . 

Although, to be fair, she was probably just trying (and failing) to capture the smoking-hot intensity of Janet Jackson in the "If" video, and haven't we all been there? 

Don't be cavalier about Janet. You will get burned.

Devoting serious blog snark to Country Hip-Hop Dancing would be like screaming at a grocery store manager about Grāpples. It was a bad idea and nobody buys them anyway, so let's just have a quick laugh and politely pretend it never happened, k? Blah blah cultural appropriation blahdeeblah -- we don't even need to go there. It's written all over the video.

However, this guy. 

I think we can all agree that he's chill and would probably drive you to the airport if you asked him.

The DIY '90s dance workout

So when I said that Paula Abdul's "Get Up and Dance!" video is the best primer of '90s dance moves you're likely to find outside of period music videos, I was onto something. Because for all the stompy footwork in that offering, it really can't touch the wellspring of workout-able moves found on your friendly neighborhood '90s YouTube playlist.

My dance team in real life (Star-Steppin' Cosmonaughties, what!) has been working on a routine to Technotronic's "Move This," so I turned to Paula for support. I picked up a few potential moves from her workout video -- and delighted in watching her shout "JUST SIT ON IT!" with a chair-position-y move -- but I quickly realized I should be tapping her music video choreography output. It started with Janet's "What Have You Done For Me Lately?" and snowballed from there.

May I present a rough template for a DIY/YouTube '90s dance workout. The possibilities are endless. All these videos resist embedding in blog platforms, so just click to watch in YouTube. Take it away, Janet!

THE VIDEO: "What Have You Done For Me Lately?"

Pre-"Idol" Paula Abdul: an homage

It's hard to remember, but there was a time when Paula Abdul was a singing, dancing, cartoon cat-romancing dynamo. Not an incoherent but empathetic, sympathetic, pharmie-laden judge on a TV singing competition.

Yes, kids, at one time, Paula Abdul was up there with Miss Jackson in the badass babe department, except OH WAIT Paula was actually schooling Janet in sassy dance moves! "Control"? "Nasty Boys"? "What Have You Done For Me Lately"? All that iconic fierceness? All choreographed by Paula. (And executed with the necessary Janet-ness, no disrespect.) Brava! Here's some fun footage of these two grande dames at work in their prime:

Other remarkable items from Ms. Abdul's resume: 

• After becoming choreographer for the LA Laker Girls, she was tapped by The Jacksons to choreograph a video for their grasping-at-shadows-of-Michael single "Torture." Girlfriend was barely drinking age! And telling The Jacksons how to dance?! Sass.
• You know that giant keyboard scene in "Big," like the only part of "Big" that anyone ever remembers? Tom Hanks and Robert Loggia didn't just get those melodious twinkletoes all by theyselves. Paula was the mastermind.
• Ok, this is weird, but remember this part in "American Beauty"? (I didn't until I found the clip; crazy that it's been 12 years since that movie came out.) Anyway, yes -- Paula, going back to her cheerleader roots.

After conquering the music video landscape of the '80s and early '90s, Paula released her first and very entertaining workout video, "Paula Abdul's Get Up and Dance!" In it, she and several entire "Rent" casts' worth of 20-something urbanite dancers get down in a big ol' warehouse. Though not long enough to be a solid workout, (technically 45 minutes, but there's some padding), it is probably the best primer on '90s dance moves you're likely to find without skimming C+C Music Factory and Technotronic videos -- which I have also done and heartily endorse.