Hemalayaa's Pooch Palace

VIDEO: "Hemalayaa: Beautiful Belly" (Acacia 2008)

STYLE: Dance-based cardio/toning

INTENSITY: Light to moderate

STRUCTURE: 5-minute warm-up + three 12-minute dance/toning segments

GIST: Great for a light cardio day; quality abs work via dance, Pilates and stretching

Good ol' Hemalayaa. She knows what girls like. What girls like: a colorful, beautifully appointed, lit-from-the-heavens temple-palace designated specifically for self-love -- which ostensibly involves prancing, shimmying, crunching, planking, sweating and stretching but clearly could also include journaling, daydreaming, singing to yourself in the style of Tori Amos and masturbating (all one in the same, really). Hemalayaa offers viewers the fantasy of supreme body confidence, a strong core and non-tacky throw pillows in a room of one's own. And when you're working on your midsection -- that evergreen villain, the subject of so many winces in the mirror and whinges to girlfriends -- you may as well indulge in some make-believe. 

"Beautiful Belly" is one of my favorite Hemalayaa titles. Even at full run time, it's short (42 minutes); but while it's relaxing and light in the cardio department, it seriously targets the abs. Here's a little tour:

The warm-up is hilarious and fun. The music, aforementioned set and Hemalayaa herself ply orientalist clichés of exoticism and sensuality, but I find them harmless because Hemalayaa's personality and conviction come through so strongly. The warm-up involves lots of wide arm circles (see image above), gentle lunges with overhead arm circles and fast high-stepping (below). It's effective, gets you in the mood to work out. 

Then we get into the main segments, titled Workout 1 (and 2 and 3). Don't fall for the pandering labels. These are not workouts on their own. If you want an actual workout, you need to do all three. Two minimum, if you're a fitness beginner. 

Each segment is designed to be a circuit, with a cardio portion and a toning portion. The cardio includes funky knee raises (above) and variations, and the toning in Workout 1 features this totally fabulous move (below), wherein you get into a wide plank and then pump your pelvis up and down. Hawt.

Now we're in the second segment, which has you do this hair-flipping, booty-popping thing:

And then you werk some Pilates stuff. This is what'll have you smarting the next day.

I love this series of core work and chest/shoulder openers. They're all done seated halfway on a pillow, giving your pelvic floor some extra support so that you can focus on straightening your spine and doing the movements efficiently. 

Here's this bhangra kick. If you work on keeping your torso stable, it's harder than it looks. 

Oh man. This plank series is tough but rewarding. 

When I was really into this video, several years ago, I went on a business trip and was put up in a tiny room. I was set on doing this video at the end of a long day of sitting in meetings, bored-eating and watching myself bloat. So strong was the pull of Hemalayaa, I used an unoccupied corner of the motel lobby, garnering some strange looks from the couple staff members and patrons who spotted me. But I didn't care! I was in Hemalayaa's palace, where a pooch is precious. 

Paint the world with love tomorrow

Do you want some live, not-in-person face time with our favorite Bollywood-ish cornball bombshell Hemalayaa? (She was the star of the monumentally important, culturally paramount VERY FIRST World of Sass post, so...) Well I just learned from her Twitter that she'll be teaching an online class tomorrow for Learn It Live.

The class is a "fusion of Vinyasa flow yoga and Bollywood dance." Sounds interesting. If I was able to leave my cage desk during the work day, I'd give it whirl and feel all 21st century and shit. What a crazy world we live in, taking fusion fitness classes over the information superhighway!

 It's $6, starting at 12pm eastern. For more details or to register, go here.

Hemalayaa: selling you sass, self-esteem and sex

VIDEO: "Hemalayaa: Bollywood Booty" (Gaiam, 2008)

STYLE: Dance-based cardio and toning

INTENSITY: Mild to intermediate; low-impact

STRUCTURE: Three 5- to 12-minute mini-workouts, plus brief warmup and cool-down 

GIST: Best done with a girlfriend(s) and/or a sense of humor. It's fun, silly, sexy and full of harmless new agey self-affirmation. Resistance is futile. 

Hemalayaa. Hemalayaa is the cool older girl you were friends with for a hot minute over the summer who taught you how to flirt and French kiss, combined with your corny sleep-away camp counselor.

The Amazon-described "fitness czarina and yogini" works these two vibes -- sultry and silly -- to great effect in her series of Bollywood videos, and "Bollywood Booty" covers the widest part of that spectrum. It follows the same format as the others: a short warmup, the beginning of which has us touch the ground "to receive Mother Earth's blessing"; four mini-workout segments ranging from 5 to 12 minutes; and a short cool-down.

If you didn't check your ego upon receiving Mother Earth's blessing, you'll have to once Hemalayaa starts bringing out the "Butt Monster." She dedicates the entire first segment (the shortest, at 5.5 minutes) to these so-called moves -- a series of pliés, toe taps, leg lifts and leg curls, which she calls "butt kicks." The Butt Monster moves are monstrous only in the Muppets sense: they're mildly challenging, and perfect for a beginner, but they won't have you screaming for mercy. Which is fine! This is a video that both fitness beginners and sweat junkies can enjoy. Do it with a girlfriend, or your mom.

The second workout segment (8 minutes) gets into cardio, which remains light throughout the video but is fun enough to stave off boredom. Hip shakes, lunges, "Indian vogue arms," hops and pliés get the heart rate going, but it's the third segment (12 minutes) where more advanced participants may finally start to sweat. Hemalayaa draws from belly dance strongly for this bit, which starts off with a figure-eight hip swivel that she calls the Swan. If you've never worked on hip isolations or rolls, this will be a little frustrating, but it's a good place to start. If you have a dance background, especially belly dance, this will be like workout comfort food, nourishing and warm in the tummy. Hemalayaa adds variations on the Swan with arms, and then introduces piece de resistance of the video, the Elk -- so named because it mimics the mating ritual of that animal. Yes. Having seen a Siberian elk mating ritual in the "Planet Earth" series, I'm pretty much an expert in this area, and I must say the move is passably accurate. Try it on your boyfriend or even random people; their genitals just might become engorged. This is what Hemalayaa wants!