QT with BB

I had quite the festive weekend. There was playing. There was dancing. There was honest-to-god maypole-ing. And there was some impressively indulgent eating and drinking. We're talking gumbo, beer, grits casserole, jello shots, brownies, strawberry pie, apple pie, champagne, whiskey, biscuits and sausage gravy, and caprese salad and buttermilk fried chicken sandwiched between two waffles. Yes. Festival season in south Louisiana is beautiful, beautiful thing. 

At the end of such a weekend, when you have brownie-batter blood and the communication skills of an overtired four-year-old, you need a little QT with BB. "Tae Bo Cardio Circuit 2," available in full on YouTube (above), is a tidy 52 minutes with Billy Blanks, his puffy shorts, and his plainspoken can-do-it-ness. Let's prance a little to get started.

Tae Bo is always good for getting the ol' jalopy running. It's punches and jabs, roundhouse kicks and knee raises -- the usual. This particular video isn't too intense; he intros the moves slowly and for longer than in the advanced workouts. Still, it gets you going with lifted leg crunches like this. . .

. . . and makes you accidentally inhale sweat from laughing when Billy keeps shouting "ARMPIT!" to explain this move.

Yes, the incessant counting is ridiculous, but you learn to tune it out.

And even though Billy's wife gets WAY TOO EXCITED at the end of every exercise, the rest of the class has a nice, genuine enthusiasm and a welcome range of healthy body types.

Thank you, BB! Anytime I've had too much fun at the fair, I'll look to you and your magical red carpet to carry me to Monday.

Uncle Billy's here to show you the way

I'm really happy I found this clip, because Billy Blanks has put out a gazillion Tae Bo titles, but this is the one I started with many years ago and this is the one that finally kicked my easily-winded ass into gear. 

If I remembered the exact title I'd provide it, but I had to throw out my VHS copy a while back because I actually wore it out. Coming from a one-time Thin Mints hoarder and all-around physical activity dodger, that was absurd. I suppose it could have been a coincidental end result of VHS technology or something, but whatever the case, the dishevelment of that tape really did something for my self-esteem back then. It was as if Billy Blanks was telling me, "Hey, look at you! You can move your body around for whole stretches of time without collapsing! You...are ready...for the next level."

This video isn't as extreme as some of his others -- it's only 44 minutes long -- but at the time, that was a blessing. Blanks doesn't dilly-dally with your heart rate; he likes to get it up as soon as (safely) possible and keep it in that target zone you always hear about. If you're a fitness beginner, you will hate him and everyone in that video after 10 minutes -- especially the blonde chick (his (now ex-) wife, I recently found out!) with her practically mechanized abs. But because it's a no-apologies challenge, you'll feel results after just a couple tries and see them soon after. 

Cardioke-dokey!

There's enough hate in the world already, amiright? 

There are plenty of things to legitimately hate: Bigotry. Brutality. Religious extremism. Non-Knocked Up romantic comedies starring Katherine Heigl. These are real problems making the world a worse place.

Cardioke, laughable though it may be, is not one of those things. The Internet has a healthy enough crop of petty grievances and unchecked vitriol without me taking pot shots at a bunch of people singing Pussycat Dolls out loud while doing high-impact aerobics. 

Cardioke (cardio + karaoke, get it??) is the runty brainchild of Billy Blanks Jr., son and heir to Billy Blanks of Tae Bo renown. This is as pure a distillation of the American Dream as the "Jump to Conclusions" mat or the George Foreman Lean Mean Fat-Reducing Grilling Machine, and I'm not about to start casting stones. 

I was prepared to do so when I came across this clip. It's got so much going for it in the Internet-mockery department. But here's how I got on Cardioke's side:

0.24 seconds in -- We meet Desiree and Jackie, founding members of Cardioke and sassy middle-aged gals wearing bedazzled shirts from Stein Mart. Do your thing, ladies.

Desiree's had arthroscopic knee surgery. How bout that!